What I am finding in my life is that compatibility is not enough. I can enjoy the same activity as another person, but that doesn't mean that we can enjoy it together. I don't mean personalities, etc. I mean that just because two people enjoy the same activity, that doesn't mean that they enjoy doing it in the same way. . . .or at the same pace.
I wish I would have understood this better when I was married, because I actually DID enjoy the off-road four wheel activities of the jeep club, but I did NOT enjoy the thrill seeking pace my (then) husband enjoyed. This difference in pacing, rather than a difference in compatibility, was a significant source of ongoing arguments between us. So perhaps we could have found a better way to address it than to let my fear speak for me, or for him to say, "You think THAT's bad, watch THIS!" as he kicked the jeep into low gear and jolted up the rocky mountain with me scrambling to get the heck out of that jeep. . . lol.
Yes, an incompatibility in pacing was definitely a problem.
More recently, however, I am finding the incompatibility of differing pacing (more than compatibility itself) to be creating an unwillingness on my part to even want to do social-related events. When I hiked down to Phantom Ranch last November, I was actually doing fine until that couple took me on as their "help a solo hiker out of the canyon" project. Yes, it was snowing. And yes, my calves were clenching up. But I am now certain that had I been left on my own, I would have been able to hike out of that canyon just fine. Had I been able to hike out at my own pace I would have been able to nurse the clenched up calves, and I wouldn't have had the "near death" feeling of experience. . . .lol. Their pace was just too fast for me, and that's what created the problem, not my hiking ability. Just like the slow pace of the hiker I recently backpacked with. . . .it was our difference in pacing that created the stress for me.
I find that it's much easier to find people with whom I am compatible, than to find people compatible with my pacing, and this awarenes changes everything for me.
I am moving into a new place, a place within myself where I'm just not willing to adjust my pace to the world around me anymore. I enjoy life at a slow pace. I enjoy the solitude afforded by a slow pace in silence so that I can listen to what is being said within me, a voice that is more difficult to hear when I am surrounded by the words of the people whirling around me.
Am I destined to journey solo forever?
I'm not really sure what this means for me, but I feel the nature of my friendships changing here already. Some of the changes ARE about basic compatibility, as I no longer find a willingness to be immersed in certain conditions anymore. But it's deeper than just this, and I feel it brewing, even if I can't quite understand or comprehend the changes that I know are still in the process of emerging.
I read recently something about the way to find God is to search the silence, but will I be able to fully embrace the silence of a solo journey?
I guess what I'm really saying is that I want my pace to be compatible with God's pace, and not the people around me. The truth of this stings my eyes, and releases my breath from a deep place within. I am remembering the words of Jesus when he tells the people essentially that if they want to find the Kingdom of God they must forsake all others, even if that means their brothers and sister, or even their mother and father.
Perhaps the journey to God is essentially a solo journey. I don't know. But what I do know is that for now I am moving into a place of deep silence and separation from the world around me.
And I don't normally change my blogs once I have posted them, but this beautiful thing occurred while I was processing through this blog. My friend Nancy read a quote made by Albert Einstein, thought of me, and posted to my profile, which I found upon posting this blog: