There is a dark side to everything, both good and bad. There is no judgment in this fact, only truth that no matter which coin is flipped, there is always an opposite side that both balances and betrays.
My journey is about to become unbearably difficult.
The trouble with growing up feeling inherently unloveable and unwanted is that the desire to be loved and wanted doesn't ever go away. Hence, a corollary development is the process of invisibly figuring out what to do in order to be accepted and belong within the family, group, organization, team, squad, relationship we desire to feel a part of.
We've all done it. . . .changed ourselves in some way so that the cool guy will like us. . . .kept quiet about something happening so that we don't rock to boat and upset our place in it. . . .hidden some dark truth about our selves so that other people will like us and accept us a part of their own. But the problem is that when this is the invisible way that a person moves through their entire life, they wake up fifty years later to find that they are living a lie of the worst kind. . . .the lie that they have become. . . . and they realize that they have been walking around their whole life with an empty love bucket, selling off pieces of their soul in hope that someone else might fill it.
I feel as if I am sitting in the middle of a storm that has instantly fallen silent and windless, but the debris still floats wildly around me.
I am not honest with people, or myself. I dance around my self and the things that need to be said so that I am not cast out into the cold of the winter's night. What do you want to eat? It doesn't matter. . . .whatever you want is fine. (Except that it's not, because I really want Thai.) What movie do you want to see? It doesn't matter. (Except that it does, because I really want to see the latest chick flick.) I weave a version of deception around me to the point that I no longer even know who I am. . . .except that I do. We don't ever really escape the truth of who we are, do we? No, we don't. . . .as I know every lie and every deception I have ever woven, and could very easily sit down right here, right now, and make a list specific to each and every person or circumstance across my entire life of how I have twisted and contorted the beautiful truth of who I am in exchange for being like, or loved, and wanted.
No more.
This is what Jesus meant when he talked about leaving our mother and our father, our brothers and our sisters, in order to live a life aligned and congruent with God. I understand this now. If who I am is so loathsome to another person that they can neither like nor want me, then that is their right to do so. . . .but to twist and contort the truth of who I am just so that I can feel included? Just to feel liked and accepted and feel like I belong? I can't do that any more. And if that means that the only way that I can walk with integrity of who God made me to be is to walk alone in this life time, then that is going to have to be my fate, because I am no longer going to weave this internal deception as attempt to "soften" the truth of my beautiful spirit. . . .not for anyone.
There are many lies that can be told. . . .but the greatest lie truly is the lie that we become. No, we don't live in a perfect world. And yes, we have all been wounded by the flaws and imperfections of this world. But the task of the Warrior is to live within a harmful environment without becoming like it. . . . .to live in the world, but not of the world. . . .no matter how badly the Exiles and Orphans may want to feel like they belong.
I may not ever understand why God created me the way that I am, but my journey is about to get very difficult, indeed. . . .
And in this moment I finally understand: The real problem is not that I am inherently unloveable or unwanted because of who I am. . . .the real problem is that because of who I am inherently, I do not love or want to be a part of this crazy messed up world. And this is the truth that changes everything. . . .