But I can't have what I want. . . .and therein lies the problem.
So for someone who doesn't have them, I guess they just can't understand what a panic attack is (or understand why that kind of question would be such a slap in my face). Because I can tell you with great certainty that the panic attacks and insomnia aren't behavioral choices that I make. And while I may be able to change the way that I relate to them in my every day life, the panic attacks have hijacked my life. . . .and I certainly can't force myself to sleep. So please don't invalidate the truth of my life by posing a magical fantasy question that I would never be able to bring about. Grrrrr....
However, having said that, something wonderful has happened on the other side of her question.
I have been thinking about my life in terms of what I want, and what I don't want. The cancer I don't want. The panic attacks I don't want. The nightmares I don't want. The insomnia I don't want. But since these parts of my life are not choices that I make in the first place, all that's left is for me to either fight them (or not). . . to accept them (or not). . . .and to do what I can to improve my quality of life in spite of them (or not). I have no control over these pieces. Period.
If I can't control it, I can't change it.
Powerful words. Especially when I look at how every single part of my life that I don't want boils down to these two categories: (1) the parts of my life that I don't want but do NOT have no power to control or change, and (2) the parts of my life that I don't want and i DO have the power to control and change. And it is this second list that has now sparked my keen interest and motivation, because there is actually a lot of things in my life that I don't want, but I absolutely do have have control over, which also gives me the power to make the choices that will bring about the desired change.
If I can control the choice, then I have the power to change what I don't want into what I do want.
So this is where I am with my very challenging life: it IS a challenging life. Which now means that anything I can do that will help to make my life more enjoyable, to bring about a higher quality of life, then I'm going to do just that. If this is really going to just be what my life is, then I'm not going to make compromises in any other part of my life where I have the ability to change what I don't want into what I DO want.
Which is why I am moving to New England as soon as I have completed this program.
I don't really want to live in Prescott Valley. I chose to move here because it's close to the VA resources that I need, it's close to the community college where I'll be completing this academic program, and it's where this amazingly affordable housing is located. Beyond that there is a very long list of things about this part of the world that I do not want, but I have compromised and have tried to learn to live with them because of the other positives this area offers for me. However. . .the only part of these factors that necessitates that I stay here (temporarily) is the community college piece.
So once I am finished with this program, I will relocate to some place where I want to live, because I'm just no longer willing to compromise on what I really want, especially when there are so many challenging pieces that I do not want, but have to learn how to accept them. Maybe if I had fewer difficult pieces it might be easier to settle for less than I want and compromise, but no more.
No more compromise!
So this is the year where I start transferring as much of my energy away from fighting against what I don't want, and chanelling it into what I do want. Oh, my. . . .it's going to be a very busy year!