I'm sure I will look back upon where I am now from a future vantage point that offers a fresh perspective and feel grateful for the journey, but there is no gratitude in my heart on this day. This day is just filled by a cold, dark void, and I can't imagine ever feeling the warmth of joy.
I have never felt more alone, ever in my life. There are no hopeful horizons offering false senses of a better tomorrow, only this heavy resignation to the fact that this is my life, whether I like it or chose it, this difficult walk alone has become my life.
It's a choice, of course, because there are ways of walking with others, but the only path where I find integrity with my personal values is to walk alone. Yet even as I write this, I am aware that it's not really a walking alone...but, rather a walking my path with God...and that truth is the only comfort in the dark void.
I don't know why God created me so utterly clear on what a life of integrity with God means...but this is who I am, and not even I can change that truth. And, so I walk alone in this world...yet, at one within myself...finding gratitude that I walk with God...even if there isn't a single other person who understands the journey that is me...