Why can't I accept myself as I am?
The answer to this question floods my mind with endless self-hatred. I hate my life. I hate what the panic attacks have done to me and my life. I hate that I can't control them. And I feel stuck in a nightmare from which I can't force myself to wake.
Well...that may be true, but I am going to sort through these books, one by one until I have purged my library and my life of any program intended to change who I am. If I haven't fixed what's wrong by now, it's either not broken, or it's unrepairable. And I don't want to waste any more of my life trying to fix what other people have broken. . . .it's like the trees that have grown around something that was never intented to be a part of the tree, but is now embedded from years of growth around it. . . .and there's no real way to remove the object without killing the tree (or doing serious damage to it).
So acceptance is the answer. . . .even if it's acceptance of a crappy set of life circumstances.