I am beginning to see a pattern emerge in my life. It's not a huge epiphany, by any means, but I am surprised by how prevalent it is. The pattern has to do with my anxiety levels when I am by myself, versus when I am with others.
When I am feeling relatively "safe and secure," I prefer to be and do things just with myself...and I tend to feel irritable and "stressed" to be around other people. This is my strongly solitude oriented introvert nature, and this has always been my preference.There have been some wonderdully rare exceptions to this natural tendency, like when I was part of "The Herd" at the Grand Canyon. But, I am an introvert by nature...always have been.
However...the greater the real or perceived threat (or risk of threat) that my brain experiences, the more stressed and anxious I feel when I am alone...and the mere presence of another person (whether I know them, or not) can usually calm down the anxiety to a more manageable level.
When I am anxious, I tend to seek the presence of another person...and, usually in a very panicked frame of mind.
However, as a piper, this paradox is playing out in all kinds of new ways. With piping, I have found great enjoyment to be and play with other pipers, which is just so contrary to my introverted nature. But, I still feel irritable and stressed to be around people, so I have to work out the dissonance that my brain is experiencing.
The other interesting stressor is the invisible (self-imposed) pressure that I feel to play well enough and fast enough to be able to play with other pipers. Meaning, the enjoyment that I experience when I am playing with other pipers is so much greater than the irritability that I feel like a teenager who absolutely can't wait to get my driver's license, or turn 18, or turn 21.
I have never in my life felt so compelled to be with other people.
And the most interesting fact about all of this is how when faced with the very real possibility that my brain may not ever let me play with other pipers, I may be relegated to solo piping only, and I'm not sure that I experience enough joy as a solo piper to warrant how much time and effort learning this beast of an instrument actually takes!
Playing with other pipers is more motivating than playing on my own?
In some ways, I don't quite recognize this new person who is emerging. But when I step back and look at the pattern (with this new information added by my piping experience), I may have tendencies to prefer the solitude of introvertism...but I also have a strong need for social interaction. Yet, my brain has some needs and requirements for a safe environment in order for it to let me relax and enjoy the social interaction that I crave...so it's a balancing act, indeed!
I have some absolutely lovely and wonderdul friendships that I value and cherish, women who accept me as I am, quirks and all. But I am also very much looking forward to having more positive social exchanges with people in general...which is something that I never, ever thought I would say.
Piping has changed my life in more ways than one, and I am honestly very grateful that I feel so compelled to seek out a group of pipers that I can play with, because I don't want to end up as crazy cat lady hermit...lol.
Ah, life is a journey, and what an amazing journey it is!
