There is something wonderful that happens when we talk about what's gnawing at us beneath the surface (and, no, I'm not talking about fleas or gnats or bedbugs...lol). I'm talking about that vague feeling that something's off kilter in our psyche, but it's not yet clear what that something is. And the simple act of talking can bring that vague invisible feeling right up to the surface to look at in the full light of day.
A conversation with a friend last night has caused some deep retrospection about pieces of my life that are incongruent with one another. My friend suggested that I make a list of "pros and cons," but this tool is really most valuable when there is a clear and specific issue at hand...and that is not the case with my situation, as there are many different issues that weave through each other. So, instead of "Pro v. Con," I made a list that compares "The life that I have" versus "The life that I want."
Two important insights emerged. The life that I have is (for the most part) already the life that I want, so I have already made the major life changes. The biggest glitch in the plan, however, is this pervasive fear of "what if something happens and I can't get help?" But there is also another important insight that emerged.
My current life plan isn't a viable plan...and the plan needs to be changed.
But one part of the plan that isn't going to change any time soon is the central piece around which everything else in my life is ordered. We all have it...the single most important part of our life around which every other decision is made. For many, this is family. For others, it's work. For some, it's their personal passion. For me, it's been about doing what I want with my free and unencumbered life...but this focus is changing to what best supports my brain's healing.
For nearly 30 years I have been forcing my brain to deal with every other decision that I made, regardless of how much the stress of these decisions was hurting and harming my PTSD brain. I didn't know that I had PTSD...I was told by well-intended doctors that I had an anxiety disorder, and needed to learn how to relax and think positive thoughts. But, the changes that I've made since my brain's struggle has been correctly diagnosed have absolutely helped my brain to heal...especially the decisions that I've made this past six months. So, maybe every single piece of my life isn't exactly where or what I might like it to be, the progress I've made is well worth the crap I have let go of along the way...which includes plans that no longer work.
What I'm doing right now is working to support my brain's healing. And I'm not going to force my brain to process a bunch of arbitrary stress just because it's "the plan." Not any more, because in the exact same way that a diabetic needs to change an entire lifetime's habits in lifestyle once the diagnosis of diabetes is made, so, too, does the person whose brain is correctly diagnosed with PTSD.
Stress is to PTSD, as glucose is to diabetes.
I can look at the diabetic in my life and be angry with him for eating brownies for breakfast or defiantly guzzling a HUGE glass of orange juice...but I am doing the same thing every single time I make a decision that forces my brain to process more stress and anxiety than it can handle. Stress & anxiety for my PTSD brain is exactly like sugars for the diabetic. Wow...powerful truth.
Well, I have a lot of work ahead of me, but right now that work entails a revisioning of "The Plan." And, accepting the reality of what my brain can and can't process right now is the central core factor around which the plan will ned to be developed. The hope is that my brain will heal well enough to be able to process stress more efficirntly, because life IS stressful...lol...even under the best of circumstances. But forcing my brain to process what it's just not able to process is no different than the diabetic who eats whatever he wants, then forces his body to process the overload of sugars with more and more insulin.
I refuse to use psychological Iinsulin to force my brain to process the stress created by lifestyle choices that I make.
So, I have a choice...I can order my life plan around doing what I want, no matter how stressed my brain might get....OR, I can order my life plan around what will best support my brain's health and healing, even if that means putting some things on hold that I want to do.
Reality can be a real pain in the ass sometimes...lol...and PTSD is definitely a reality that bites pretty hard, indeed. But this truth finally clarifies the Pro v. Con list that I need to make...the pros and cons of a life plan that best supports my brain's healing.
Yup...that's the list, indeed!
