Mom, I love you. . . .even with your flaws and imperfections. But when you died, there was still so much conflict going on between us, and after 25 years there is still this great big hole in my heart and in my life from your absence. I don't know what to do with this gaping black hole. What do I do with all of the guilt for feeling so angry with you? Not anger for leaving, but anger for being so sick and perpetually absent in my life.
I have needed you every day since you left. My bearings are still off, like my compass can't find its true north, can't find its home. . . .because you were my home. . . .you were the hub that grounded me no matter where I was in the world. . . .even when I was angry and indifferent. . . .and now I just feel bereft with no place to find safe haven any more. I'm still lost, even after 25 years, lost without your unconditional love for me.
I don't even remember. . . .mother's day 25 years ago. . . .did I even send a card home? I was half way around the world trying to deal with my own craxy mixed up life. . . .did I tell you that I love you? I can't recall. . . .I can't remember. . . .would it have made a difference had I told you? I had only a few short weeks left with you, but I was half way around the world with no clue about what was about to happen. . . .would I have made different choices had I known? I was so indulgent then. . . .indulgent because I thought I had a lifetime of happy mother's days ahead of me. . . .my selfish ignorance made me indulgent and carefree. And now I must live with how utterly alone that indulgence has left me.
I'm sorry that our relationship growing up was so complex and difficult. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more supportive when you were sick and I was so angry with how sick you were. But mostly I'm sorry that we didn't have enough time to work through the long distance still between us when you passed on from this world. I feel "stuck" in that moment, like a part of me remains blacked out in the shock of the finality of your loss. And so I don't know what to do with this black hole that remains. . . .
. . . .except to tell you that I love you. . . .I'm glad that you were my mother, even with your flaws and imperfections. . . .I appreciate how you loved and believed in me so completely unconditionally. . . .how you gave me the strength of confidence to believe in myself no matter what anyone else thought, especially when it was "you and me against the world". . . .and I miss you more than you could possibly imagine.
So, Happy Mother's Day to the woman who chose me to be her first born and only daughter. My life is possible only because of you. . . .may our relationship one day find the peace we both need and deserve.