This week's "homework" involves the Socratic method of examining the beliefs that are the real underlying reason for why we do things, or why we feel the way we do about the things we do. It can be a tedious process, of course, but the work to trace the path of choices back to the source can yield some very interesting and helpful insights.
I'm still processing yesterday's insight about the metaphor of "the door" and the fear that I have about finding out what's on the other side. Some insights are merely interesting, while others are life changing. . . .and the insight about the door is definitely falling into the latter category. Knowing this truth about myself has motivated me to confront the fear and anxiety in so many different ways already.
Last night I asked the hard question of a friend that has been gnawing in my gut for several weeks, and I'm so glad that I asked, because the assumptions that I had been making were so far from the mark it makes me laugh at myself (and not necessarily in a good way :) The misunderstanding was my lack of clarification and nothing that she did, but the positive news is that the anxiety about it is gone. Such a simple fix. . . . just ask. . . .but when you are a person who avoids conflict in your personal relationships, asking the hard questions generally isn't the first choice on your list of options. . . .lol.
As I continue to process the asking of the hard questions, what I realize is that more often than not, the question isn't an overt question that simply needs to be asked, but rather an implied question. What I mean by this is that I don't always speak my truth (either in words or actions) in my personal relationshps because I am afraid of the answer to the following question, "If I say or do what I need to say or do for me, will you still like or love me enough to stay in relationship with me?" And my fear of knowing what's on the other side of this question then invites me to say or do something that I really don't want to say or do at all, but I do it anyway. . . .because I am secretly and invisibly afraid of the person walking out of my life.
Yeah, powerful stuff this examination of a life.
It's not always easy to see these invisible questions lurking behind the choices that I make in my personal relationships, but I know that there will be a hell of a lot less anxiety once I examine the things I do and say that I don't really want to do or say. And maybe finding out what's on the other side of these questions won't always be warm and fuzzy, but at least I will know. . . .and will no longer need to live with anxiety about the not knowing. . . .or do things I don't really want to do.
Socrates can be a big pain in the ass sometimes. . . .but so worth the pain :)