Does purpose mean the same thing as goal?
A part of my anxiety is that I remain focused on a specific goal. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. . . .that kind of fixation on an end point is what kept me on the path of education through a lot of chaos that could have very easily detoured me, but it didn't. . . .because I remained focused on the goal. But was obtaining an associate's degree, a bachelor's degree, and a master's degree my life purpose? God, I hope not.
Purpose is about that reason why you get up everyday, and while I I may not ever "know" why I was put on this earth, I do know that what makes me get up on most days is that I want to be the best person I can be. So I get up and suit up because I am constantly in a process of personal growth and evolution, which is why I actually enjoy the process of therapy and self-reflection, and why I do things like choosing the hardest professors in college because I know that I will learn the most from them.
I had one math instructor whose tests were so hard I used to joke that I looked like Albert Einstein after taking a test because I felt like my hair was literally standing up on end when I left the room from all of the stress wiping. His tests were desiged to not just test the pieces of knowledge the book had presented, but also how you could then take that knowledge and apply it to situations we hadn't yet encountered. People who failed every test could still get an A in his classes, because his tests were about achieving a higher level of understanding, and not just regurgitating what had been learned. I hated that man, but I took math classes from him every chance I could. . . .and I was the better person for having done so.
Life is hard right now because I haven't (yet) learned how to navigate the obstacles before me. . . .that's all.
Yesterday's homework dug up an important insight about the difference between purpose and goals. A great deal of my anxiety right now is enmeshed in the focus on a specific outcome with respect to something I have been battling at the canyon, a fight about a quality of life based on certain and specific pieces. But last night I realized that my purpose isn't successfully fighting for these certain and specific goals. . . .my purpose is successflly learning how to speak up and advocate for my self.
I am not in control of the outcome of my battle at the canyon, but one thing is definitely certain: I will fail to fulfil my purpose if I continue to believe that I don't matter, or that my needs don't matter. So the fulfilment of my purpose requires that I grow strong enough in the belief that I matter enough to advocate for my own needs to be met. Which means that the obstacles that are making their way into my journey provide me with exactly the right circumstances in order for me to develop that strength.
Just for today I can feel grateful for the obstacles, because they give me exactly what I need in order to grow strong enough to fulfil my purpose.
Yes, it's hard. Yes, I feel defeated some days. Yes, I feel like the stress of this "test" has caused my hair to stand on end. . .lol. But my needs do matter enough to fight for them. . . .that's why I'm here in Prescott. . . .that's why I've taken this leave of absence to participate in the VA's treatment group. . . .and that's why I continue to fight for my right to have a quality of life that best meets my needs in an environment that is making that extremely dificult.
So there are some days when I feel like my ass just got kicked, but that's because I still choose the hardest teacher available, because that's still how I learn the most. . . .