I want my life to flow the way she flows.
I am preparing to leave the canyon for a few days, preparing for a procedure that leaves me feeling anxious and nervous about what's on the other side. And there aren't a lot of moments when I am so aware that I am dancing solo, but these procedures. . . .when the outcome is so uncertain. . . .these are the moments when I am all too keenly aware of just how solo I dance my life.
The trauma therapist and I have had a few scruffs about the issue of relationship. She thinks I isolate myself and avoid relationships, which she's sees as a symptom of the trauma. I just don't see it that way. She feels compelled to remind me that the goal is for me to be whole and healthy. I feel just as compelled to remind her that I don't need a man in my life to actually be whole and healthy. I also still remember sitting in that restaurant shortly after my divorce watching that family eat dinner, the husband and wife talking only to the kids, with the silence between them so loud that I swore in that moment that I would rather be alone forever than ever be in that kind of relationship again.
I guess I didn't realize that forever can be such a long time.
I know that my solo life is a choice that I make, but I wonder if I will ever find the right man for me. It's been more than fifteen years since the divorce. . . .so I can't help but wonder if I hold myself back, like a silent observer to my life. Is she right. . . .do I isolate myself and avoid relationships?
Big questions, of course, with no easy answers. . . .just this vague empty feeling as I make my way alone through the uncertaintly of the next few days. . . .