The Land of Is

Today is a hard day. I feel like my whole life is on hold while I await the results of the biopsies, and not just on hold, but like it's about to get pulled out from underneath me. I'm irritable. . . .snapping at people for no good reason (not that there's ever really a "good" reason to snap at anyone). . . .and I'm trying to find my happy place in spite of all the waiting.

Living in the now is so much easier on paper than in reality.

I got into a scruff with the trauma therapist this morning during a discussion about how my life has been shaped by the fear of the panic attacks. I said, "This is not who I am!" to which she replied, "Yes, it is!" I clarified again that this is definitely NOT who I am, to which she emphatically clarifed that it definitely IS who I am. This "conversation" went back and forth a few more times until we ended up sitting in silence. Like I said. . . .I got into a scruff with the trauma therapist this morning.

But she's right.

It's not an easy thing. . . .to accept the truth of "what is," especially when it's such an unacceptable truth. This may not be who I started out to be, but it is who I have evolved into. . . . and I'm not sure what to do with this fact right now. I've been living in the land of eternal optimism and hope that if I just do the right "something" I'll be able to "fix" or "master" the panic attacks. But living in The Land of Is means that I have to accept the truth of "what is" (rather than what I wish it could be or hope that it might one day become). . . .which also means that where I am may actually be as good as it's going to get. . . .ever.

What do I do with a truth that is incomprehensibly unacceptable. . . .with no end in sight?