I am about to place my faith on the side of time.
Living with cancer challenges the notion of time. . . . .challenges the great lie of youth that we are invincible and live forever. . . .challenges the statistics of actuarial charts that outline life expectancies and potentialities for the "average" population. But there is nothing "average" about living with cancer, so it's been a long time since I put my faith in time, which is why I've been living from lease to lease, placing my faith into tiny pockets of "controllable" time, rather than the unbounded and out of control part of time that ultimately belongs to God alone.
So, perhaps I am placing my faith on the side of God's time, rather than needing to psychologically control time. . . .either way, my life is about to change.
I have been applying for jobs down in Prescott for nearly a year, with not even a single call for an interview. I have a place to live for next to nothing. The VA is right down the street from where I would be living. The community college where they have the paralegal studies program I want is also just around the corner. And there is a wonderfully rich support community that I began to create when I was on my leave of absence just waiting for me to make the move. . . .but I hesitate. . . .in limbo. . . .until I have the job piece in place before I make the choice to move.
And then there's the secret fear that I might only have a short time left on this earth, so why would I waste that gift on going back to school?
But the truth is that no one knows how much time we have left on earth. So August 15th is my last day of work. . . .and I'm moving down to Prescott into this wonderful gift of a living situation that has been offered to me. . . .and I'm diving head first and full-time into this Paralegal Studies program that is going to be such an amazing fit with who I really am. . . .and I'm going to live my life as if I am invincible and will live forever. . . .or at least to where I am statistically averaged and expected to live. . . .lol.
I'm going to go about the joy of living my life with cancer. . . . .even if it kills me :)
It's so funny. . . .the things we say without really thinking about the ramifications of what it means. How many times have we said that. . . I'm going to do this or that, even if it kills me. Well, sometimes it does, but that reality generally doesn't stop us from doing it. . . because we secretly believe that we really are invincible. . . . and because it's something that we really want to do. . . .something that will bring us great joy and excitement. . . . or something that would make a profoundly negative difference in who we are as human beings if we didn't do it.
Invincibility is the key to making choices that scare the crap out of us.
So I made a down payment on my life today. . . . I took a huge leap of faith and quit my job and made the decision to move to Prescott so that I can dive head first into this paralegal studies program. . . . even without having the job all lined up first. . . . even without "knowing" for certain that I will have all of the time I need to see this thing through to the end. . . .and yes, most importantly. . . .even if it kills me :)