I don't know why I am affected as I am, to read about this tragic end to the lifebof Philip Seymour Hoffman. When I first read the news, I felt like something struck me in the gut...and I've been feeling deep and heavy all day.
How does someone like Philip Seymour Hoffman lose his way?
There are "typical" Hollywood actors who naturally seem to belong in Hollywood, but Philip Seymour Hoffman didn't fit this stereotype, which is what I loved about him. He played roles that other actors couldn't (or wouldn't) take on. But more than this, he just seemed to see Hollywood for what it is, and not get sucked up by its ephemeral chemira-like nature.
I guess I was wrong.
Happiness is so elusive...we think the jewels of fame and fortune will be enough to make us happy, but clearly that is not the case. If he didn't feel "enough" without the drugs, he was never going to feel enough while on them.
I have never been entranced by the lure of drugs, but I am feeling scared, because I am letting go of nearly everything that has any tangible meaning for me personally, paring down my life to the core essence of what I believe will create the freedom for me to experience some kind of release from the parts of my journey that weigh me down...in search of the same essential life happiness that apparently eluded him, as well.
But am I deluding myself the same way Philip Seymour Hoffman deluded himself?
I feel like I am preparing for my death with all of this letting go...and I am symbolically...but what will I do when I reach the end of this journey still feeling cold and empty, jaded and cynical, depressed and disappointed, like something essential is still missing from my world?
As I said, I don't know why the death of a man I have never met would affect me this way...but I sincerely hope that I am able to find the joy that is noticeably missing from my own life...because I don't want my story to end as tragically as the one that ended today.
