The photo with this blog is Michael Kennedy, one of the Boston firefighters who died this week in a 9 alarm fire that took more than one firefighter's life. This man, and every single firefighter fighting alongside of him is a hero...no questions asked.
Why is it easier to identify the hero in others, than it is to identify when we, our selves, are the hero for another person?
I have been grappling with the "H" word for weeks, because one of my friends has made it clear that the use of this word applied to her is not supportive. And this vexes me greatly, because I'm trying to understand how a person who is clearly a hero from everyone else's perspective can so vehemently reject the "H" word as it applies to her.
And that's when I started to think that perhaps this "H" word may not be the only "H" word that she's rejecting.
A hero is someone who puts their life on the line in the service and protection if others. Agreed? Yes.
Does a person have to die in order to be a hero? No, they don't. Firefighters, Police Officers, Soldiers are heroes every day, whether they live or die in their service to our nation.
OK. Well, then, what about compensation. Is a person any more or less of a hero based on compensation? Absolutely not. Firefighters, Police Officers, and Military Personnel are ALL paid for the JOB they do...but that doesn't make them any less of a hero. And for those who never receive a penny, that doesn't nake them any more OR less of a hero, either.
Does the motivation make a difference? Is the soldier who joins the Army for college money any less of a hero than the soldier motivated by generations old patriotism? Or the young inner city youth with no other viable options for life success? Or the person drafted against their will serving only out of a moral sense of national duty and obligation? Are these "lesser" motivations cause for diminishment of hero status? Of course not.
So, what is it, then? What creates the difference? What is this other "H" word that I see as relevant to this process? That word, this other "H" word is Humanity...this is what I think is making the difference.
I think what causes us humans to reject the truth that we are a hero to and for another person (within the quiet sidelines of our personal relationships) is simply a matter of the degree to which we accept or reject our own humanity.
Humanity is the real "H" word.
We humans are such wonderfully complex forms of life...so aware of our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Which means that we may also resent much about our lives, or (especially) what is thrust upon us by chance or circumstance.
As for me, the process of sorting through the deeper relevance of the forbidden "H" word has helped me to find compassion for my own resentment about having to care for my limited mom as I grew up, rather than having a mom who nurtured my growth as a developing child.
And I do not claim to know directly what my friend is actually feeling and experiencing, but I have a life-long relationship with her, and have followed her blogs as she has walked this path, so I have been witness to what she has shared about her struggle with her own limitations to deal with everything perhaps as she might like to.
When it comes to labels of Hero and Human, there is a very long list of qualifiers that follow. A Hero should.... Or, a Human being should.... We have these qualifiers for every single label, as well (e.g., husband, wife, friend, daughter, son, God, etc.) And whatever experience gets filled in the blank that follows the "should" thus becomes the standard to which we compare our own experience. And how we "measure up" to these internalized expectations determines what we accept and reject from ourselves, as well as those around us (especially those who see us differently than how we see ourselves).
This is true regardless of the "positive" or "negative" connotations of our self-beliefs.
I want desperately for my friend to change the way that she interprets her humanity through the lens of experience as her mother's caregiver. But that remains my limitation as a human being, a flaw in my own humanity that rejects the truth of my friend's experience simply because it is so different from how I experience her.
And my rejection of her truth isn't supportive...it's condescending and unacceptable.
So, rather than seek to change the way friend accepts or rejects her humanity, I will seek to change my own limitations of humanity...because I absolutely want to support my lovely friend in a way that helps her to feel supported by me... because even if I don't always understand the experience of her journey, it remains her journey alone to experience, not mine.
Michael Kennedy is a hero who died this week...a very human hero with flaws and failings just like the rest of the human race. I didn't know Michael Kennedy (or the other firefighter hero who died alongside of him this week), but I do know my friend...and to me she is every bit the hero as Michael Kennedy...
...even if her personal humanity is also just as flawed and filled with with human failings as every single other hero who has walked the hero halls before her...yes, even then...especially then.
