I started occupational therapy last week (a recommendation from my trauma therapist). It's a very interesting perspective, because it's based on the theory of Positive Psychology, which is rooted in happiness and one's well-being (rather than the medical model of disease and treatment). . .which sort of creates a little bit of a problem for me, because I'm not very familiar with happiness.
I don't say that to be funny (or sarcastically jaded). . .I am actually very serious. I think happy people live in a delusional world based in denial of the harsh realities of life...lol. So there isn't a lot of wiggle room for happiness in this paradigm. That's not to say that I don't experience or appreciate happy moments, but I don't chase happiness the way it seems to me that some people do.
Happiness is not something I seek in life...if it finds me, great...but I don't go looking for it. So, should I be surprised to find that happiness doesn't really find me very often? I think, not.
I just started the OT last week, so I've been working on the first simple project which involves taking an online strengths questionnaire/survey, and the results have shed some very interesting light on some surprising tendencies.
First of all, there was nothing surprising about the identified strengths. But, looking at the top 5 (out of 24 possible), what IS surprising is that I do not view them as positive strengths. The reason why I don't see them as positive strengths is because they tend to be the things that get me into trouble...lol. So while they may be my "strengths," they have not generally yielded positive results. In fact, I actually have a love/hate relationship with them, and THAT will need to be one of ther FIRST things to change.
My #1 strength is Creativity & Ingenuity. I absolutely agree. But, when I work in restrictive environments, this strength is not valued. . .typically because the agencies all have established protocols and regulations that then dictate procedures and process, so creative thinking is not highly prized in these environments! Hence, my #1 strength has not been valued in the places where I've worked. In fact, it has been openly rejected and viewed as an area that "needs improvement" if I am to fit in with the employer's culture and work climate.
My #2 strength is Bravery & Valor, which is all about speaking up for what I believe in, especially in the face of great adversity! Need I say more?
OK, so the bottom line with the process of this positive psychology is to focus on our first 5 strengths and incorporate them more fully into our daily life. But how can I do that when I am at war with them within my own self? How can I embrace my strengths when I reject them? How can I view them as "positive" when I have experienced so many "negative" outcomes because of them? And how can I use these strengths to enhance my happiness, when I'm not even sure that I believe in happiness as something of value in my life?
Heavy sigh. . .
Clearly I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I think this work is critical for helping my brain to heal. . .because I want to live a joy-filled life, and I suspect that there is a connection between joy and happiness...lol. (OK, that was a sarcastic attempt at jaded humor...lol.)
All joking aside, I can see very clearly that my beliefs about "happiness" as an experience are absolutely shaping the way my brain processes joy and pleasure in my daily life, and I want that to be different. So I am going to have to start challenging these negative beliefs I hold onto very tightly about happiness as it applies to me and my own life.
I will add that one of my strengths. . .Curiosity. . .is one of the positive psychology virtues that help to foster happiness. . .so I am going to use that puppy for all it's worth...lol.
The bottom lines for me personally is that I absolutely need to deconstruct the negative thoughts I have about how I view my dominant strengths . .which is not going to be easy. . .but, I can see very clearly that I will never experience happiness if I am openly rejecting what is clearly the strengths that make me who I am.
