There is something fundamentally simple that I am missing...some basic truth about the universe (or possibly myself) that I either didn't learn (or my brain has misplaced), because all I have done is started to chase a different carrot. I have spent my entire life chasing carrots..and I don't want to do it anymore.
Carrots and obstacles to overcome...this has become my life story.
On one level it seems like I am making progress, but my life is still in hold. Only now the obstacle that needs to be mastered (before I can finally start living my life) is this never-ending sorting and the purging project. So I've begun to seriously question why it is that no matter WHAT I'm doing, there is ALWAYS be a "when...then" statement that stands between me and the life I want to be living...and why it is that I so consistently don't want the life that I am actually living.
Here's the bitter pill of my life: the when rarely happens...so, the then never really has a chance to exist.
Sitting here in this moment, I am both at peace and feeling completely overwhelmed at the same time, so I can't help but wonder about the relationship between chaos and calm in my world. Do I need chaos in order to create the "calm" that I have been mistakenly been calling peace?
There is a wall that stands between me and the traveling dream life I crave, and it appears to be this pile of crap that I need to downsize before I can leave...but I am honestly beginning to think that this feeling isn't about the pile of crap, at all. Because I can see very clearly that even when I clear away this obstacle, there will just be another one to replace it...because my process appears to require some kind of insurmountable obstacle to conquer....and (always) as expeditiously as possible.
When did I start creating so many unrealistic expectations for myself?
This truth hurts to look at, because on the flip side of the unrealistic expectation coin is the exhaustion that "forces" the just as expeditious exit...the "I'm outta here!" when my stress level has reached its limit that eventually brings about the messy end to some part of my life (something that I overcame a great many obstacles to achieve, I might add).
And, I'm doing it again...I've already set a target date for departure that is driving the self-inflicted whip to get this phase completed "on time." And I've also just partnered up with the highest grade pipe band in Arizona to "motivate" me to piping greatness...yet, will take me years before I could even begin to make any piping contribution.
Yes, absolutely, I am doing it again...but how do I make it stop?
