The bottom line is that I have nothing to be ashamed of. . . .and my silence only serves to reinforce that I'm damaged and broken, so I'm going to share this part of my journey. . . . because it's simply the truth of who I am.
I'm on an extended leave of absence so that I can address what I have come to understand as the PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) that has plagued my adult life, only I didn't know that I had PTSD. Even with all of my grad school education and mental health training, I never made the connection that the panic attacks and the insomnia and the nightmares and the anxiety were all related and actually created a disorder as a collective whole (until a work environment so severely triggered them all at the same time that I was finally able to get diagnosed correctly).
I've been feeling like I'm holding myself together with twigs for so long that I'm not sure I can actually trust this process yet. . . .
The counselor I've been working with has been most intrigued by the fact that I work so hard during sessions to try to convince her that the chronic sleep deprivation was a problem. Week after week she would ask me, "Why are you trying to convince me that the sleep is a problem for you? I believe you, I do!" Two weeks ago it finally dawned on me that it wasn't her that I was trying to convince. . . . it was me. I've spent so much of my life minimizing my own "stuff" that I find myself almost 50 and I'm having to convince myself that nearly 30 years of panic attacks and insomnia is really a problem? Good grief!
The awareness that I was working so hard to convince myself changed everything. . . .well that, and the fact that a second counselor told me that she was concerned about the "compromised way" I live my life, a lifestyle of "avoidance and isolation." Yeah, that's enough to wake up anyone. . . .lol. She reinforced the need for sleep medication (which I now have). And she said something else that the part of me that needed to hear it heard it. She told me that I needed to be in an "environment that supported my needs." And she is right. So I have reordered my entire life around this extended leave of absence to deal with the PTSD.
The treatment group is actually very interesting, because the modality used doesn't focus on the specifics of the trauma at all. The underlying core of the treatment involves identifying the "stuck points" (what I call belief structures) that keep us "stuck" in one place or another. The idea is that there are certain beliefs that get formulated about a trauma event, and once these beliefs are formed, they create identity structures around which "manufactured emotions" are then generated (such as shame or guilt). So when a person's identity is formed around a faulty belief (such as "It was my fault"), the behaviors that result tend to be "escape" and "avoidance" behaviors, which only reinforce the faulty belief structures.
It's all pretty simple, really. . . .identify the belief structures created around the trauma, and the anxiety releases itself. Simple, yes. . . . .but some of the most difficult work a human being will ever have to do.
The funny thing is that it's not like I don't already know this stuff. Identifying faulty beliefs that create problems is exactly the same kind of work I did with my own clients. The beliefs weren't necessarily structured around traumatic events, but it's the same thing that can disable or limit anyone. When we have beliefs about ourselves that limit our ability to function well, or have positive self esteem, or feel happy at least some of the time, these beliefs need to be restructured so that the state of our personal union can once again see healthy economic recovery and growth. . . .lol.
But I know this stuff already!
So why did it take so long for me to be able to see this truth about myself? I don't know. . . .maybe it's true that "my broke self can't fix my broke self." But what I DO know is that Simon and Garfunkle were definitely wrong because I'm not a rock, and I'm certainly not an island. I am actually living proof that we absolutely need other people to help us see the truth about ourselves, no matter how much education and training we've had, and especially when that truth is ugly and painful (a truth that nobody else really wants to look at).
And I guess Barbara Streisand was wrong too, because people who need people aren't always the luckiest people in the world. . . . .but they just might be some of the bravest and most courageous spirit warriors that I will ever have the privlege of knowing. . . .so I'm trusting this process. . . .one faulty belief at a time :)