I think we're all, ultimately, just like that box that Nancy made for me all those years ago.
Right now I am "forced" to look at those parts that I hide away inside. Someone will ask how I am, and I'll say, "Fine." [Lie] And if I attempt to speak some semblance of truth I might say, "Just a little bit sad." [Lie AND Minimization, because I'm not a little bit of ANYTHING right now....full on, raw and intense....that's the real me].
I notice myself saying "just" a lot lately....and every time I hear it, I am holding it accountable for how much it minimizes the truth! But if I were to go with how I actually feel, I might respond with something like, "FUBAR!" lol. . . .but this is also not true, and is a hyperbolization of the truth, rather than the minimization of it. So somewhere between Fine and FUBAR lies the truth. . . . .lol. . . . .so, who knows.
I've been saying "fine" for so long, the word no longer even holds any meaning for me.
I understand the importance of the word "fine" in social, polite conversation. The person at the grocery store isn't really asking me how I am. . . . they are being "polite," and so I respond with my own "polite" response. But the problem is that beyond these social contraptions, no one really knows who I am. My best friend in high school was shocked to learn how depressed I had been during those early years, because her one word to describe me was mirth. . . .a perfect word to describe our crazy antics as Lucy and Ethyl. But she never knew. . . .no one knew.
The core of this dichotomy is the belief that if someone really knew me, they wouldn't possibly like me, (or love me), or want to spend any time with me at all. . . . .and so I dance around this truth like dried out moth balls stuck to the back of my aching throat.
If you really knew me, you would feel so overwhelmed, you would turn around and walk away.
Yes, I would definitely say that would qualify as a "stuck point." And so I avoid the truth to make other people feel more comfortable to be around me. If I'm laughing, and joking, and having a real "hoot" of a time, then people want to spend time with me, right? And just for the record, I'm not talking about spilling my guts out when I meet someone for the first time as a status quo for speaking truth, either. I'm not completely dense :) And I do know how to stop talking when I notice someone's eyes start glazing over and their skin turns pale shades of mold and gray. . . .or they change the subject without responding to anything I've just said. . . .lol.
I get it. . . . not everyone is cut out for walking through hell.
I need people in my life who aren't afraid of walking through hell, and I quite surprisingly find myself wishing that Jesus were alive today. I would love to have a living, breathing friend like Jesus, because he would absolutely walk through hell with me, and even coming face to face with Satan wouldn't faze him the least bit. Jesus wouldn't feel overwhelmed at all by the truth of my life, either. . . .and he certainly wouldn't turn and walk away. I don't mean any of this in a religious "lord and savior" sense at all. . . . I mean it in the most real and concrete sense that I possibly could.
If there were a "religion" that taught us how to have a relationship with Jesus, a living breating friendship so that he could mentor and model how to walk through these living hells on earth, then I might be able to get on board with it. But the idea of needing someone to save me. . . . well, it just holds no meaning for me. I have to get up each day in a crazy mixed up real world, and I need to know how to do that with the grace and dignity of angels. . . . and quite honestly, I haven't found ANYONE on this earth who has been able to help me do that.
So I wish there were a group where I could learn from a living, breathing Jesus, because I think that's the only program I can really get on board with. In AA recovery, the groups are often called, "Friends of Bill W." So I think I'll start looking for a group sign that reads, "Friends of Jesus," because these are the people that I need in my life. . . .the people who are learning how to walk through their own living hells on this earth.
Sometimes I surprise even myself with the truth that speaks itself up from beneath the dusty corners lurking just below the surface. . . .