As a little girl, I never dreamed I would end up where I am. But the hard truth about some lives is that we all too often end up in places and circumstances that we would never want to be. I didn't want to be rained on by Chernobyl radiation. I didn't want to be sexually abused or assaulted. I didn't want cancer. I didn't want the divorce. I didn't want my mom to die. I didn't want my wonderful boat to get shredded. And I didn't want to grow up in a set of family systems so chaotic and dysfunctional that my neuro development was altered in such a way that I live every day with the resultant PTSD that changes everything about how I live my life. So, yeah. . . .I didn't want a LOT of things to happen. . . . but they did. . . . and I can't change them. . . . .so here I find myself at the edge of a life I don't always choose, wondering how to escape the weight of a journey so difficult at times I feel like I'm going to suffocate.
But is this the worst place I could have ended up?
I live at the Grand Canyon, one of the seven natural wonders of the world, and I absolutely love my life here. I may not have the big fancy house or the brand new car, but my back yard beats anyone else's hands down! I hike this amazing canyon whenever I want. I have a wonderful little apartment that I love, a home where my furry family is able to live in peace and safety with me (and where the rent is so ridiculously cheap it's almost like living here for free). My bills are paid, my housing expenses are tax free, I'm able to put money into the savings account every month, and I have as much expendable income as when I made more than $40K per year. I walk to work. I have no commute. No smog. The daily traffic jam involves the local elk or deer meandering across the roadway. Snow in the winter. Rain and amazing wildflowers in the summer. Beauty everywhere. Free train rides whenever I want! So, yeah. . . . there are definitely worse places I could have ended up.
Yet I still feel stuck.
I feel stuck because there's no place for me to go. There's no "home" out there waiting for me, no place to look forward to spending my holidays, because that kind of home disappeared for me when my mom passed away. I am like the tortoise. . . .I carry my home on my back, and I am free to move about as I so desire, and as the circumstances of fate and fortune will allow. . . . so why do I really feel stuck? I think I just need to settle in to this amazing life that I have here, feel grateful for the amazing blessing it is to be able to create my home here, and seek God in all that I do. If I can do just these simple basic things, then I will have a blessed life, indeed.
So trudge on, tortoise sister. . . . trudge on. . . . .