But here's the thing. . . .I can't really control what people think about me. People are going to think whatever they're going to think about me, so it's not really about me, at all. It's really about how they interpret what they observe about me, which is really about them. We all want the proverbial "thumbs up" from the world. . . .but we don't always get it.
The reason why this is an issue for me, is because I am observing how anxious I feel when I really allow myself to acknowledge how other people respond to me. I notice things like how an attitidue changes. . . .or the tone in the voice changes. . . .or the look on someone's face changes. . . and I wonder why.
And I have been finding myself fantasizing (a lot) about being a spy fly on the wall so that I can know what people are saying about me (and not just wonder or worry about it), things I know they are not saying in front of me. I'm not a glutton for punishment, but I am finding myself just very curious about how "the other" really thinks about me. . . .and deeply bothered by how much it actually matters to me. . . .lol.
Intellectually I can tell myself that it doesn't really matter what people think about me, but it does. We're not isolated automatons functioning by ourselves. People don't want to be your friend (or date you) when they have negative thoughts about you. Places don't hire you (or allow you to stay working for them) when they have negative thoughts about you. And even family doesn't want to interact or spend time with you when they have negative thoughts about you. So, yes. . . .it actually DOES matter what people think about me.
Life is such a wonderful social experiment. I love learning things about myself that horrify me, because it keeps me human and ever on my toes, and makes me real within myself. If I always lived up to my own expectations, what kind of surprise would that be? And when I can observe myself and embrace the inconsistency of my own being, then it widens my world and makes me more aware of the inconsistencies that surround me. And right now, the biggest inconsistency in my life is my relationship with God.
The only opinion that really matters is the opinion that God has about me.
Each time I become aware of how anxious I feel about how other people are thinking about me, I ask myself what God would think of me. And I don't mean in a superficial "God loves me unconditionally" kind of way. I mean in a real way that makes me cringe and turn away from myself because I'm not sure that I could handle the truth of how God really thinks of me. God may love me unconditionally. . . .and God may forgive me. . . .but that doesn't really address the deeper spiritual question of what God actually thinks about me in spite of the forgiveness and unconditional love.
God must certainly have an opinion about me and the way I live my life in spite of the forgiveness and unconditional love. . . .I'm just not sure I can handle this truth. I want to be able to handle it. . . .I'm just not sure that I actually can. But I need to find out. . . .I really do need to find out.