I get that people (in general) don't understand me or my lifestyle of avoidance and isolation. To look at me, there's nothing "wrong" with the picture that they see. I'm smart, articulate, funny...but these are not the only relevant facts. Psychologically, I'm a lot like "bubble boy," only there's no plastic bubble around me to trigger the awareness of difference.
There is a reason why "avoidance and isolation" is the hallmark symptom of PTSD.
Bubble Boy's immune system is impaired...but in all other ways, is perfectly normal...just like me. Except, in my case it's my brain's danger-alert system that's impaired, so my brain interprets everything through a series of faulty filters that identify anything out of the ordinary as a threat, which then triggers the fight/flight/freeze response in varying degrees...a process that is exhausting on every level possible. Bubble Boy's impaired immune system is protected by the plastic bubble, whereas my impaired danger-alert system is protected by a lifestyle of avoidance and isolation...an invisible bubble that serves the exact same propose as Bubble Boy's bubble...only, it's invisible, and very few people understand it...which only increases the social isolation.
My hyper-reactive brain is a real pain in the ass, making even the simplest acts of daily living exhausting and overwhelming. My brain hurts, all of the time, making any interaction with the "outside" world stressful and painful in a way that breaks my heart, because living on the inside of this protective bubble is neither fun nor socially functional. And, living a life feeling constantly afraid (for no logical reason) to do the things that I very much want to do makes this life unbearable and increasingly pointless.
I no longer know what to do...
A person I once knew told me that her mom's philosophy of life is that we all live for as long as we can stand it. I think this woman understood the deepest truth of the nature of living a painful life...and the simple fact that we all have limits to how much pain (psychological or physical) that one can bear.
As for me, I am running out of options that provide any degree of hope that my brain will one day be able to heal enough so that it doesn't need this lifestyle of avoidance and isolation to protect itself...yet, accepting the truth of "what is" feels psychologically heinous and impossibly unfair.
