I am learning that it is impossible to play the bagpipes while I am in this depressed place...it is physically impossible to blow hard enough to create the pressure needed to play the bagpipes. The practice chanter is a different story, but I am learning a lot about just how much energy depression actually steals from my life.
Depression is like trying to blow bagpipes with a bag full of holes.
Anyone who has ever battled with depression will understand exactly what I mean. Well, any bagpiping depressed person, that is...lol. Holy crap, it just sucks the energy from my body, mind, and spirit!
And, I give up.
That's not a statement of resignation...it's a very tangible awareness of what I do when I'm depressed...I give up. I don't fight. I try to blow the bagpipes...can't...so, I just stop trying, and put them down. I don't get angry. I don't even get frustrated. I just give up...because it hurts to push hard enough to create the pressure needed to blow these pipes.
I had no idea how much I give up, when the depression overtakes my life.
It's why I don't walk...or exercise...or hike (when I'm depressed). It takes so much effort, I just give up. I stop trying. I put my life down and succomb to the weight of the depression, because it hurts to push through it.
I absolutely understand why people take their lives when they're depressed...happy people just don't commit suicide. And, I am not suicidal...but, I'm not fighting hard enough for my life, either...I'm giving up way too easily.
I fight for everyone else, but I don't fight for myself.
OK...so, what do I do with this awareness? How do I deal with depression without giving up? How do I fight when I'm exhausted? How to I push through when I feel like I have no strength?
I don't have answers to these questions (yet), but I think these bagpipes just may be saving my life...
