A friend called this morning to make sure that I'm ok...I am...and, I'm not. But, something wonderful emerged from the conversation, and that is the awareness that no matter how uncomfortable and painful my life is right now, I am exactly where I need to be, and everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason. But, I also believe that there isn't just one single reason for why things happen, either. There are cause-and-effect reasons...spiritual purpose reasons...and also reasons that we assign to situations and circumstances to help us make sense of difficult things.
Everything happens for many reasons.
Like how anxiety happens in my life because my brain gets easily stressed and overwhelmed...but, it also happens because the frenetic movement of the anxiety helps to keep the dark depression from overtaking me and my life completely. Which means that as I remove the stressors that cause and create anxiety, I am also removing and mitigating the anxiety that serves to mask the depression. Which means, there is a very good reason why I am feeling so depressed, and that I have two choices: (1) I can choose to do things that will generate enough anxiety to mask the depression; or, (2) I can keep my ass put, and deal with the depression directly.
Either way, the choice is mine.
I'm not saying that I have been intentionally creating an anxious life to avoid dealing with the depression; however, on the other side of the intentional choices that I've been making to remove the stressors that create the anxiety, I can finally see how the anxiety in my life has been masking the depression (which has bubbled right up to the surface)...which introduces an entirely new set of choices into the equation.
Right now, I have this incredible gift of time...time without needing to work or take classes for employment seeking certifications...time to save up travel money for my trip to Nova Scotia...time to spend with my 80 year old dad...and time (it seems) to keep my ass put long enough to confront this depression head on....or, at least a layer (or two) before I head East in the Spring.
There is a philosophical belief that we always live in the best of all possible worlds (which has never been a very comforting thought for me), but I think this applies very well to where I am, moving along the best of all possible life paths (at least, for now). And, there is no reason why I can't pack up the car and begin the trek to Nova Scotia today...except that to do so will create the life movement that will once again mask the depression that clearly needs to be addressed.
So, my way is just that...my way. And, I don't want to simply medicate the depression away (which is pretty much all that standard treatment options have to offer), but I do want to understand the reason why it happens in my life. Or, to more accurately clarify, that I want to understand more than just the cause-and-effect reason why the depression happens in my life...and that will take some time...which is a fortunate blessing that I have plenty of time, right now.
I don't think this next part of my journey is going to be fun or easy,
but I do think it will be worth every bit of pain and struggle...because I truly believe that the depression is just another mask waiting to be removed...
