I just finished watching I am Legend, and while I've seen this film many times before, something very poignant stands out for me tonight...and that's about the basic human need for connection with other human beings.
I had a conversation earlier with a friend of mine (who also blogs) about this inner pressure that I experience when I post...an internal pressure created by the perceived outer pressure to just "shut up" about whatever I am writing. We both understand that writing about our experience is what we need to heal, yet we are healing in an environment that doesn't always value the public sharing of one's inner process.
For me, it's about survival...and just like Robert Nevill who talks to mannequins in order to feel human, we all have a need to speak and be heard...even me, the queen of solitude and isolation.
But what I'm realizing is that I am a bit of a paradox, because I'm so socially impaired that my trauma therapist is recommending occupational therapy for social repair work, yet I blog publicly about an inner vulnerability that seems uncharacteristic for a person who avoids people because she feels so threatened by and painfully vulnerable in their presence.
But I think this is precisely why blogging is so deeply important to me. My brain may interpret social interaction as a dangerous threat (and so it responds in ways that helps to promote and sustain social isolation), yet there remains a kind and sensitive "me" inside who still needs to feel valued and appreciated and connected with others (which is, of course, something to be achieved through the kind of social interaction that freaks out my brain).
Like I said...paradox.
Living with PTSD isn't easy, but it is what it is...and so I continue to journey on with my life doing the very best that I can to connect with people through this invisible war zone that separates me from my self.