We read these inspirational quotes and Facebook memes every day, and we all agree that these wonderful warm fuzzies are the way life "should" be lived. But the idea of living in the now or living an open-ended life is soooo much easier than actually doing so, because living an open-ended life means that I have to let go of the endless possibilities as contency plans on the other side of this journey to Nova Scotia, which is proving to be much more challenging than at first appeared.
I have borrowed Miranda Bailey's plan for Seattle Grace Hospital, and have adopted it as the best description of what my life plan has become.
My new life management plan is the Right Now Plan.
So, today I am hitting the truth of this new plan head on. Well, actually, it's more accurate to say that this new plan is hitting me head on, because I'm going round and round in my head about the best way to proceed with the "stuff management" part of the plan based on this endless list of possible lives on the OTHER side of the "right now" plan! But the cold, hard truth is that a right now plan sort of implies that there is no future plan that guides the journey, which is why my brain keeps spinning its wheels...it's having to integrate a new reality into existing thought structures that are resisting the reality update.
There is no "other side" contingency plan of a "right now" life plan.
This is so very difficult for me to let go of the illusion of control...because that's what these contingency plans are...the illusion that I will be able to manage and control the course of events that will take place between now and some intangible point in the future after Nova Scotia, so that I will land in the exact spot in order to manifest this plan of future contingency.
How can I possibly know who I will be after this life changing experience I am about to drop myself into?
I am trying to make plans based on who I am now...what I want now...what I can envision as possibility now. All of this is subject to revision anywhere from mild adjustments to a complete overhaul....and I can not know what that revision is going to be!
In an open-ended life, I'm not in control of the process! Or the outcome!
So my right now plan is not just kicking my ass, it's kicking my ass into a total and complete commitment to this journey. It's like I'm stepping through a Ring Gate, so it's truly an all or nothing venture. I can't keep one foot on both sides (the way I have managed change so far). No. I have to make a 100% commitment to this process, which is not as easy as it seems!
So I will learn how to live my life as it is actually happening by simply doing it...day to day...moment to moment...at each point and juncture that I will need to let go of the need to control both the process and the fore-planned outcome....one illusion of control at a time....one illusion at a time...
