Everything has an end. But the past few months have been a long, painful series of letting-go of cherished and meaningful pieces of my life here in Prescott, with this past week resulting in the final loss that makes it absolutely clear that it's time to move on.
There's now nothing left here that holds any meaning for me at all, and the common thread embedded within each of these losses is choice...MY choice...and the inevitable loss that necessarily results when a difficult choice has been made.
I am only recently starting to understand, not only how much of a "bridge between" I have become, but just how damaging the toll exacted upon my spirit by the holding of this tension has been. And I am just beginning to find a connection between the anxiety that wraps itself around and through my chest, and the tension created by bridging between two sides of a difficult choice that I don't want to make.
It is a lovely blessing that I have such a strong capacity to hold the tension between opposite sides...between diametric perspectives. But, just because I can understand both sides, that doesn't mean that I don't have my own thoughts, my own values, my own beliefs that affect my ability to remain neutral, unbiased, and choice-free.
I have been afraid to choose one side or the other, yet paralyzed by the tension created by having one foot on one side and one on the other.
The losses in my life have occurred because I have been forced by circumstance to support one side or the other...I finally had to make a choice. And once that choice was made, there was then a withdrawal of support both to and from the other side. And in those critical split-second moments when the deepest truth of my personal loyalties were decided, the bridge was burned...and there is, now, no going back.
I was reminded today that we are defined by the company that we keep. And as much as I want to resist this truth, the company that we keep is reflected in these critical choices of loyalty. What is more important? Sobriety? Or our druggie friends? This is only one example, of course, but certainly clarifies the point.
We ARE defined by the company that we choose to keep.
I have more choices to make, of course...choices about what is more important to me...because that's what makes a choice difficult...when we have to make a choice between two things that are both important to us.
Other people have also been making their own choices of loyalty...and it's always enlightening when people choose to disengage from their loyalty to you. Sometimes that process can be subtle and confusing, while other times as swift and shocking as a sword slicing off one's hand.
So, just like the hermit crab, I have outgrown a life shell, and there is great freedom in the letting go of something that has painfully bound and constrained me throughout this past year. I can see, now, that I have resisted letting go of this particular piece because I felt safe and accepted by the inhabitants in that world...even if my growth was limited and stifled by it.
So, we absolutely are defined by the company that we choose to keep, and I have made a choice this week that redefines who I am...a choice that burns a bridge and alters the course and direction of my life. And as painful as this is, I am strangley comforted by the relief that comes with this choice...and the curious wondering of why I did not make this choice sooner.
