I read an article last night on the PTSD forum about how the simple act of just reading information posted in the forum WILL increase PTSD symptoms, but that is exactly what needs to happen in order to help the PTSD brain to heal.
What?!
One of the hallmarks of PTSD, in fact it's one of the pieces of diagnostic criteria, is Avoidance with a capital A. Yet I have been highly defensive when my trauma counselor has repeatedly told me that my "life style of avoidance" is part of my PTSD. I have a life style of avoidance? Is she nuts?! But after reading that article last night I finally understand what she's been trying to tell me for this past year and a half.
I have developed a life style of avoidance.
After 27 years of panic attacks, I absolutely avoid identified situations that have triggered off panic attacks in the past. And, these areas of avoidance have generalized into an avoidance of activities where I am alone and isolated from quick resources for help, which has greatly limited my ability to do things that I enjoy, since most things I enjoy involve activities of solitude.
Avoiding what I enjoy also avoids the joy.
But, more importantly, I avoid people, people who I feel don't understand me or the way I choose to live my life, especially people by whom I feel harshly judged. When I was living at the canyon in that tiny microcosm of a closed community, I felt so exposed and vulnerable when I returned from my nearly 3 month leave of absence last year that I removed almost every single canyon-related friend from my Facebok account. Why? Because when I was standing in line at the general store, a fellow employee in the lane next to mine was whispering into the ear of his friend, very clearly talking about me, then they both looked over at me and started laughing. I know that shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. And not just on the surface, but very deep beneath all thicknesses of skin.
And so I deleted everyone from the canyon off of my Facebook.
I feel hideous enough all on my own. . . .so I certainly don't need the open ridicule of cruel and insensitive people heaping salt on top of the open wounds I work so hard to heal. And I'm starting to feel that "dump and purge" reaction rising up again, but that's not how I want to manage the anxiety I feel when I perceive other people not understanding me or judging me harshly. All I want is to feel like I am on equal footing, rather than the hideously damaged, broken, inferior person in the room. So I avoid people. And I avoid doing things I enjoy alone because I'm isolated from resources of help. And I avoid doing things I enjoy with other people because I avoid the people.
Vicious cycle. Catch-22. No win situation. It's no wonder I feel so isolated and alone.
Ultimately it's me who needs to change, not anyone else. Ultimately it's my perceptions about how other people think about me that needs to change, not how anyone actually thinks or feels about me. And I can be angry with other people all day long for not understanding or accepting me, but I'm only angry because underneath the heat of that layer of resentment and disgust I am really just utterly terrified of how they will respond to the truth of who I am. So I avoid people. . . .or I avoid the truth of who I am. . . . .a double edged sword of avoidance that only feeds and fuels the PTSD.
The solution, of course, is found in the theory of exposure therapy.
Exposure therapy tells the person with PTSD that they avoid what they are afraid of. Well, every single human being does that. But. . . .the person with PTSD does this to such an extreme degree that their life and relationships become dysfunctional (painful functioning) and/or afunctional (lack of ability to function). And exposure therapy further tells the person with PTSD that in order to heal their brain, they need to increase their symptoms, to flood their mind and body with a heightened stress and anxiety. Well, I can say with absolute certaintly that these are the exact opposite beliefs of someone who is living with PTSD. . . .lol. But exposure therapy reassures the person with PTSD that the increase in symptoms and heightened stress and anxiety are exactly what allow the mind and the body to finally process the stuck points, the thoughts and feelings that cause a person to avoid the persons, places, things, or ideas that are perceived as the source of the anxeity in the first place.
Holy crap, Batman!
It's interesting how I avoid the nouns in my world when the verbs are percieved as a threat in some way. And what I realize this morning is that this blog is such a very important part of my exposure therapy. This blog is where I battle with all of the nouns and verbs that I perceive as threat in some way to me and my personal integrity. This blog is where I confront the fear of what other people will think about me for having written nothing more than the truth of who I really am. And every single blog post I make, I challenge and hold accountable the thoughts and fears within my own mind that try to force me back down inside of this tiny little box where some tiny little frightened part of me believes that people in her world won't understand or accept her exactly as she is, even if it's exactly the way God created her to be.
Thank you, God, for creating my spirit larger than this frightened little part of me.
Very often there is great emotional intensity for me in the writing and (especially) the posting of my blog, but I post it anyway, because it's what I need to do. Then I sit back waiting for the fallout (which never really comes, but I anticipate it anyway). And now I understand that this heightened intensity is exactly what I need to help heal my brain, to help heal the damage caused by the PTSD poison. If I needed surgery to heal from a physical disease, I think people are more inclined to understand what's needed for recovery and healing. But healing all of these internal and invisible wounds? Not so easy for people (even myself) to understand.
The more I understand about my self, the less I care about what anyone else thinks.
My blog is literally saving my life, with no less importance as antibiotics can save the life of a body attacked by infection. Because this blog, as part of my exposure therapy, is helping me find the courage and strength to write about the truth of all the nouns and the verbs that create the story of me and the journey to my self. . . .even when the fear of doing so feels like it will crush me like a slow moving glacier across the landscape of my life.
After reading the lives of many other people living with PTSD who continue to choose avoidance over speaking their truth and risk of being hurt, I choose the risk of making myself vulnerable so that I can expand my world and bloom where ever I am planted. And as inconsequential as this blog may seem, each post of my blog is like a tiny little dose of antibiotics that fights the virus of Avoidance and heals my brain. . . .like a tiny leap of faith that I will survive no matter what anyone else thinks about what I write, no matter how anyone else responds to the truth that is me.
And, so, my healing journey continues . . . .one noun and verb at a time. . . .one post at a time. . . .one tiny leap of faith at a time.