Why do I still keep having panic attacks?
It's such a brilliant question, but I didn't have an answer for her when she asked me, because I don't really know why I still keep having them. . . .or why I can't sleep. . . .or why I continue to have nightmares. . . and on goes the list of PTSD symptoms. But PTSD is a diagnostic label that provides a clinical description of symptoms. . . .it's not an explanation of why I still suffer with them.
PTSD does not explain why I still suffer with the panic attacks.
The most important turning point for me continues to be the biofeedback session earlier this year when I was sitting in front of this machine measuring physiological parameters with 97% coherence (near perfect degree of relaxation), yet I was experiencing a series of panic attacks during the biofeedback session. This scientific evidence that my panic attacks are NOT caused by me simply not knowing how to relax changed everything for me. . . .changed the way I contextualized the panic attacks. . . .changed the questions that I ask. . . .but, more importantly, it changed the way that I feel about myself for having the panic attacks in the first place.
The evidence changes everything.
And because I'm asking different questions now (no longer looking for ways to learn how to relax), I am finding different answers and pieces of information that shape very different perspectives. I have been extensively researching insights about the brain from neuroscience journals. Dr. Amen's work clearly shows brain scans of a person having a panic attack is identical to a person having a seizure. There is also very clear evidence that PTSD (especially when left untreated) can cause micro trauma to some brains with residual scarring that creates "hot spots" in the brain leading to varying degrees of psychogenic non-epileptic seizure activity (which also supports the scans obtained by Dr. Amen).
PTSD can create scarring in the brain and cause seizure activity.
This is finally the first explanation that makes sense based on what I have actually experienced over the course of the past 27 years, and I do believe that the PTSD has evolved into low level seizure activity. They're not epileptic seizures, but they are seizure activity. . . .electrochemical misfirings in the brain. I am also convinced that all "mental disorders" will one day reveal that it's ALL about what's happening in the brain. . . .but that is not my journey. . . .my journey is about understanding and learning how to live functionaly with a brain that makes my life extremely difficult, to say the least.
And today my journey was introduced to information about Brainspotting.
Brainspotting is an offshoot of EMDR, so it's still relating to eye position, but the underlying issue with this theory is that brainspots develop around trauma. . . .and then the brain will unconsciously respond to similar emotional experiences the same way as whatever survival mechanism was employed in response to the traumatic event. This is actually the way the brain processes every experience, whether positive or trauma based, we tend to respond in similar ways to similar events. . . .but some trauma events get "stuck" in this survival mechanism, creating maladaptive problems with apparently invisible causes. But once a brainspot is located and the "stuck" part is processed, the emotional trauma is released, and the brain in that area begins to function in a much more productive way.
The root of an emotional response, otherwised known as "core issues" is what creates the brainspots.
I recently came to understand that I do not process fear directly, but rather I experience a range of deflective responses that all fit into a box called "Anger." I think this is a "brainspot" for me, the root of which creates a "brainspot" because any thing that emotionally feels like I am threatened elicits this same highly maladaptive response. . . .which now provides a tangible link between my body and mind.
So I am finally starting to find some peace with the panic attacks. . . .but there is much more work to be done. . . .much more work to be done, indeed. Finding someone who can do the MEG brain scans required to identify the micro scar tissue will not be easy (or inexpensive), but for now I will continue on with the interventions that help to release the trauma and heal the brain. But at least I finally have an answer (for myself) that makes sense about why I continue to have panic attacks. . . . even if it doesn't fix them or make them go away. . . . at least now I can understand why they don't easily go away. . . .