The word that changed today was Grateful.
I bought a crappy little boombox yesterday because it was in the pricerange that I could afford, even though it wasn't what I wanted. But as it turned out, it wasn't just a crappy little boombox, it was a HUGE crappy little boombox, so there wasn't even a place where that monstrosity would fit! And as I was driving up the hill this morning to return it, I heard myself say, "Well, you should be grateful that you can afford anything at all!" Which is the exact moment when I became aware of just how much I use the word grateful when I have actually settled for something less than I really want (or deserve).
I should be grateful that I can afford to buy a crappy little boombox?
Maybe I can't afford (right now) to buy the CD player that I would really want, but does that mean that all that remains is for me to be grateful for crap? I don't think so. I would rather go without than try to force myself to feel grateful for settling for something that I even don't want in the first place. It's almost as if telling myself to be grateful for crap is an indirect form of punishment somehow. Or perhaps it's more the reminder that I don't really deserve what I want in the first place. But instead of being allowed to feel disappointed, I force myself into submission by reminding myself that I should be grateful.
I think there's a difference between this form of being grateful and what I believe is the true meaning of the word gratitude.
I know what it feels like to have an "attitude of gratitude," and it's an absolutely wonderful feeling, a feeling that makes my spirit laugh and dance in spite of crappy circumstances. But this other way that I use the word "grateful" has nothing at all to do with this kind of gratitude, because it feels very much more like a backhanded compliment from a "friend" who isn't really a very nice friend at all. I don't like that I force myself to feel grateful for something when it isn't really what I want. And I'm also aware of how very tired I am of settling for things that I don't really want because of some veiled belief that I don't really deserve what I want in the first place.
"I should be grateful" is really code for "beggers can't be choosers."
Well, I'm tired of feeling like a begger, because I deserve better than living a life in gratitude of crap. And I am just realizing that I've had this belief through my whole life. I am remembering how all through high school the boy I liked would call and talk with me for hours almost every night (even when he had a girl friend). . . .but he would ignore me at school because I wasn't one of the "cool" kids, so he couldn't afford to risk his reputation on being seen with the likes of me. I let that happen. I allowed him to treat me like a second rate piece of crap by telling myself that I should be grateful that this "cool and popular" kid gave me any attention at all. And not just him, either. It's not a pretty picture to look at my life through the eyes of a woman who no longer believes that she should be grateful for crap.
It's one thing to be grateful for the things that we have, especially when it could be a whole lot worse than what it is. But it is quite a different thing to force myself to be grateful when I have settled for far less than I deserve.
Well, I'm feeling very grateful for the lessons of the crappy little boombox now. . . .lol.