Yes, I have definitely hit a turning point.
One of my uncles called me last night. . . .out of the blue. . . .in the middle of the dark night. He told me that he had read some of my blog and felt compelled to call me to tell me how precious I am, that he loves me very much, and that he has loved me for my whole life.
What a gracious and unexpected gift :)
He also told me that he completely understands what I'm going through with the panic attacks, and he shared with me how God had helped him through some of his own trials and tribulations. He told me to turn to God, that God alone holds the power to help me through this place where I am struggling.
The problem is that I don't turn to God for help, so I don't really know how to do so.
That may sound "weird" to some, but I didn't grow up with God. My mom, in her own way, thought she was helping us by letting us kids make our own choice about God and whatever church we wanted to attend. That may have worked had she given us language about and understanding of God at home, but she didn't. So I didn't grow up with God. And I especially didn't grow up with a God that I could turn to for help or protection.
On the contrary, I grew up in a world where I felt abandoned by those who were supposed to keep us safe and protected. That's not meant as a pitiful statement, but as a statement of fact. For many dark and twisted reasons, I absolutely grew up in a world where the people who were supposed to love and protect the little children didn't. And there was no God for me to turn to for help, comfort, or protection. So I learned very quickly that I was on my own, and if I didn't take care of whatever "it" was, it wasn't going to happen.
If I don't do it, it's not going to happen.
To grow up with this core belief meant that I was the only one capable of holding the chaos in my world at bay. Which also meant that I was in charge, that I was in control (which is exactly what a "parentied child" grows up to believe). I'm not "blaming" my limited parents or the observers who turned a blind eye to the fragments of our chaotic world that slipped through the cracks of family privacy. I'm just stating my personal truth, the historical fact that in my chaotic little world, if I didn't take care of it, whatever that "it" was, it really wasn't going to happen.
I grew up in a world that did not include God.
Well, I may not have grown up with God, but I did find God along the way, although I think the God I found is not quite complete and whole. Because in response to the conversation with my uncle last night, what I am beginning to realize is that while I absolutely believe in and have a wonderfully rich relationship with God the Creator, I do not know God the Father or God the Lord and Master. And that is precisely because I grew up in a world where I was the parent, and with a world view core belief that if I didn't do it, it wasn't going to happen. When there was chaos, I didn't ask God for help because I didn't grow up with this God. I did what needed to be done to protect my brothers and take care of my mom. That's what I did, becasue if I didn't do it, it didn't get done.
But I think I am outgrowing the world of illusion where I am my own Lord and Master.
Letting go of the illusion of control when you perceive the world as a terrifying, chaotic place is no easy task. But I think it's what I need to learn how to do. Accepting the truth that the panic attacks are something that I can't control is forcing me to look for help outside of my ability to take care of them, but I just don't have a lot of experience with this concept. And as condescending as it feels to me when other people tell me that I need to "Let go, and let God," I am seeing clearly that if I don't find a way to do just that, I will die alone and under the worst possible of deaths. And that's not at all what I want for myself. . . .not now. . . .not ever.
Let go, and let God?
To openly admit that I'm not in control is not about admitting weakness. . . .it's about admitting and naming the choas itself, because that's what I'm trying to control. It's not about the control itself, it's about the chaos that "needs" to be controlled. So to admit that I can't control something, is to admit that there is "something" that needs to be controlled, and that something is a wall of chaos that completely surrounds me, that utterly terrifies me, that leaves me feeling frightened and alone in the middle of what I've spent my entire life trying to control by deny it existed at all. So to let go of this illusion of control means that the wall of chaos is going to collapse in on me and flood my world with 50 years of truth never spoken.
So, right now, "Let go, and let God" feels like certain death, or worse. . . .
And while I may very well be outgrowing the world of illusion where I am in control, I don't yet know if I can believe in, let alone trust a world that includes a God the Father or God the Lord and Master who can deliver me from the chaos of this truth.
So I will continue on this journey. . . .in search of a world where God is in control. . . . one day at a time. . . .one turning point at a time. . . .