What does it mean to turn my life over to God?
This past week I was made aware that I have a relationship with God the Creator, but I have no internal concept of God the Father or God the Lord & Master. Again, this is no easy admission for me, not to myself, and certainly not publicly in my blog. But it's true, nonetheless, and so I have been seeking to understand why.
Whose life is this?
I started from the most basic of all beginnings, and that is of my physical form. I did not create my body, yet I call it "my" body as if it belongs to me somehow. And this intrigues me how I call this body mine, when it clearly was created by God. And once I could release attachment to my physical form, I realized that the only part of my existence that really constitutes "me" is my thoughts, my feelings, my memories, my choices. In essence, it is only my will that fundamentally constitutes the "me" of my existence. . . .not my body. . . .definitely not my spirit. . . .and maybe not even my mind. . . .just my will.
My will is the only gift from God that truly belongs to me.
So if my body and my spirit essentially belong to God the Creator, then God is the rightful Lord & Master of both this body and this spirit, not me. And if this life that I am living doesn't really belong to me at all, then this is a truth that changes everything. I have always believed that God created me specifically and uniquely through my DNA, but now it is possible for me to also believe that there is also a specific and unique purpose for which both my body and my spirit were created by God, even if I do not now (or ever) know what this purpose is.
But does this mean that I am supposed to relinquish my own will and serve the Will of the true Lord & Master of this body and this spirit?
This is no simple question to answer, because at the deepest root of this question lies the issue of trust. I may be able to accept that God is the Creator of all things (including me), but to open up the possibility that even my life ultimitely belongs to God, and my job is nothing more than to live this life in service to this deepest purpose, then that means that I would need to trust that this deeper purpose will not contradict with the values and beliefs that I have come to know as that which defines me.
How do I recognize God's purpose for this life that I have been created to live?
I think none of this would even be an issue for me had I grown up with my self concept shaped as an instrument of God's purpose, but I didn't. So after nearly fifty years, to contemplate the possibility that my life may not actually be mine is a huge leap of faith and trust that this treasure map that lies dormant within my heart will not lead me into even deeper depths of darkness. And while God may, in fact, be the true Lord & Master of this body and spirit that I call me, can I really trust this map?
Can I trust this inner map of God's purpose for this life I have been created to live?
As selfish as this sounds, I don't know what it would mean for me to trust this deeper purpose for this life God created me to journey through. What if I hate the purpose that God created me to fulfil? Seriously, what if the purpose for which I was created is a hideous, boring, absolutely innane purpose? Even my asking of this question feels obnoxious, but it's the truth of what I feel right now!
Yet on another layer of this, it also feels like a huge burden of responsibility would be lifted from my shoulders. To let go of my need to figure everything out on my own would also mean that I could simply wake up each day trusting that I would be guided and supported along the journey of fulfilling the purpose for which God created me, which feels like a huge relief, actually. I had no idea how exhausting my life has been, this life shaped by the core belief that if I didn't do it, it wasn't going to happen. But to lay that belief down feels like a death of sorts, yet also like a renewed source of energy for my spirit at the same time.
Wow! It's just so clear how this core belief created a life map where I was responsible for everything, but had the power to control nothing. No wonder I am so exhausted!
It's also clear that both my body and my spirit have been created by God and encoded with the deepest purpose of my life. And whether I trust this inner treasure map or not, what I do know is that I will never find the treasure (the purpose for which God created me specifically and uniquely) if I do not trust it enough to allow it to unfold and speak its hidden language to me in a way that I can see and hear in my everyday life.
Knock, knock.
Now I'm feeling a little bit like Bilbo with my own unexpected journey knocking upon the door to my life, a journey that beckons me out into the vast unknown. Do I choose the illusion of safety and comfort of my warm and cozy home? Or do I seek to unravel the mystery that is already written upon my heart, a mystery that has invisibly shaped my journey all along?
It is funny how the curiosity of what this mystery might unfold really is greater than the fear or desire to remain warm and cozy. . . .because I really do want to know what this purpose is, a purpose that was important enough for God to create this amazing life that I am blessed to live in order to have this purpose fulfilled. A purpose that makes me feel precious and special in a way that I have never felt when I was living by the map of illusion of responsibility and control.
So I'm not the Lord & Master of "my" life--there are certainly far worse things that could happen to me. And it's not about a battle of wills, either (i.e., God's Will versus my own will). It's about making a choice between the life map created by a distorted belief that perpetually makes me feel responsible for everything (yet in control of nothing) and all alone in the world, and the life map created by God that makes me feel precious and special and supported along the way.
This is the moment, right here. I have travelled my entire life to reach this very moment. No one could have told me or shown me how to get here, as it is a moment that must be discovered all on one's own. Not even God could have brought me to this moment, because it is a choice that my will has to make, a choice to relinquish the map created by distorted beliefs in exchange for the treasure map that God has created for me (which, ironically, also makes it the only true moment of my life where if I didn't do it, it really wasn't going to happen).
It's funny how the irony of paradox works, but I think I'm finally ready to serve God. . . .