The Immortals

I watched The Immortals up at the Rec Center tonight, and while the movie itself was only marginally entertaining, there are some pieces of the story that I have continued to process. . . .in specific, the part about Theseus being considered an "undesireable" and forced to live by a different set of rules, because he was born to an unwed mother who had been raped.

What is it about human beings that makes them feel like it's alright to treat other human beings like second class citizens based on the circumstances of their parentage and birth?

I understand Theseus, for I, too, was born to an unwed mother. And I have always felt like a blacksheep of the family, like a second class citizen within family systems bound by rules for membership that I have never met. And while I didn't come to feel that way all on my own, tonight is the first time that I have been able to separate myself from the burden of this truth, because the fact is that I was born into an environment that didn't want me, even before I was born.

And, yes, I was treated differently because of the illegitimate status of my birth.

This is not me feeling sad and sorry for myself. . . .these are the facts of the social environment into which I was born and the way that I was treated by a family system that just couldn't find it within their personal constitutions to accept the circumstances that brought my "shameful" existence into their pious and righteous world. And I suppose I should probably feel grateful that I wasn't raised as my grandmother's daughter so that she could continue to weave the deception of having daughters who would never have children out of wedlock.

It's just so insidious. . . .how these invisible beliefs formed long before I even had the capacity to question them still have the power to raise their nasty heads as masked intruders cleverly veiled by smoke and mirrors! But a person can not move on from an outworn belief until they are able to accept and integrate this "truth" into their experience.

So, I may have been born into an environment bound by rules that deemed my existence as "undesireable" and treated as if I were unloveable and unwanted, but this "truth" does not make it so. And my mother's family may have been limited by their personal or religious beliefs to accept my birth on equal terms with cousins who were born within a more "appropriate" and "acceptable" marital context, but that was their limitation, and not some inherent truth about my status as a human being and member of a family system into which I did not choose to be born.

In this moment I feel great respect for my mother, because it took a great deal of courage and personal fortitude for her to choose to have me, as unwanted as I was given the limitations of her family, and as unsupported and alone as I'm sure she felt.

As for me, it may take a while to uproot these weeds of poisonous belief that suffocate the garden of my spirit, but I will uproot them. . . .uproot them I most certainly will.

Living in the Blessings

I found some words yesterday, words about blessings and what a blessing actually means. . . . at least one person's perspective of what it means to bless and be blessed. For some thing to be blessed means that all of the negativity attached to the person, place, or thing has been removed. I love this way of thinking about being blessed.

So I did two things yesterday. . . .

First, I made a very heart-felt request out through the universe to be blessed, both within and without. . . .to help create a barrier of protection around me so that I am not so affected by the negativity that surrounds me, but also to help remove the negativity that is within me.

The second thing I did was take action to remove some very powerful sources of internal negativity, which is an interesting act in and of itself because what I have started to realize is that negativity arises within me when there is some kind of an internal conflict. . . .such as when what my deeper self needs is in conflict with what my human self thinks I need to solve a problem. So I was able to identify two sources of this internal conflict and detach from them. This was my part of the blessing. . . .to do what I can to remove or transform the sources of negativity in my life. And the amazing truth about negativity arising from this internal conflict is that the thing itself is not a negative thing in and of itself. . . .so it's not always easy to see what the actual source of negativity is. . . and this is the great truth that is working its transformation through my world.

And so I awaken into this day with an unexpected fresh perspective on another source of great internal conflict that has been generating a huge amount of negativity for more than two years. But today I am able to envision a renewed sense of possibility, something I think I can actually live with. . . .because the negativity that surrounds this life issue is being removed, even if it's layer by layer. . . .electron by electron. . . .lol. That really is what's happening today. . . .these new plans are possible only because the negativity is being removed. . . .the blessing I prayed for yesterday is working. . . .and what a glorious gift this is for me.

It seems so simple how it's not always about removing the obstacles in our lives, but sometimes it's just about removing the negative associations attached to those obstacles, and miraculously, they're no longer obstacles.

Why is the simplest truth the most difficult to see?

Personal Higher Power

Questions are like Pandora's box. . . .once they're opened, the question can't be unasked. . . .and once the mind has begun to question, there is nothing less than the truth that will suffice and answer.

The question asked of me was about how I envision my personal higher power, that spiritual presence that loves and cares only for me. . . .and I was left feeling silent and empty within. I mean, I believe in God, because I have experienced God in very real and personal ways, but to believe in a spiritual presence that loves and cares for me personally? Well, I have just never experienced anything at all even remotely resembling this kind of spirituality.

I have heard people talk about their personal relationship with God. . . .or the personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. . . .so I can't help but wonder if these are the answer for other people, but I have just never experienced a feeling of being held or contained in a spiritual sense in a way that makes me feel personally loved and cared for. I feel loved as a part of all things, but never have I felt loved and cared for personally.

The unsettling part of the question is in the truth that I don't believe in this kind of God, and I never have. I look out at the world and see the amazing dance of life and there is no question that divine intelligence is behind this magical creation. I have experienced Grace when I have not deserved it. . . .I have felt protected in ways that I can't explain in human language. . . .but to believe in a spiritual presence that loves and cares for me personally? I just don't believe in this kind of fantasy. . . .and, yes, I do believe this is a delusional fantasy, a wishful thinking on the part of human beings.

How could I possibly believe in a God who loves and cares for me personally, and then juxtapose that belief with all of the "evidence" that belies this kind of love. When people love and care for one another, they don't stand by and just watch while "bad things" happen. . . .at least not the way I define love. So if God is so powerful and omnipresent, then how can this all loving, kind, and compassionate higher power just watch and do nothing to intervene?

God doesn't intervene, because God isn't an interventive God. . . .how could I possibly believe that God who makes choices like that? People talk about God's plan, and how we can't understand it, and I don't judge anyone who believes this way of conceptualizing God, but it makes no sense to me on any level. If God has a plan, then that plan includes cancer and the helpless being tortured and abused by those with a greedful lust for power and control? God's plan involves war and murder and genocide and being hung from a tree because of the color of your skin?

If all of this is part of God's miraculous plan, then I want nothing to do with this kind of God, and that's the deepest most heart felt truth I can speak, and I don't give a flying rat's ass what God thinks about my refusal to get on board with this kind of world, if this is, in fact, the great plan of God. So, yes. . . .I absolutely question God's plan, and I have no problem doing so. . . .because if all of these experiences are part of God's great plan, then the promise of heaven is just one more layer of the great lie.

. . . .and just when I have resigned myself to the life of a spiritual orphan, the unexpected happens, and turns everything upside down. . . .

I am literally in the middle of writing this blog, preparing to type the words, "I am nothing but a spiritual orphan," when out of the blue I receive a text message from my nephew (whom I rarely hear from) that reads:  "Hope ur doing well. Thought I'd drop u a line and let you know that I'm thinking about u =]" and my heart is cracked wide open. Is this text message a mere coincidence? A random act of kindness? Or did something greater than the both of us motivate my nephew to send me a text message with exactly the words needed to challenge my lack of belief in a spiritual presence that loves and cares for me personally?

So, I don't know. . . .if there is a higher power that loves and cares about me personally, then I would really like to become personally acquainted with this love, because walking through life as a spiritual orphan is not always a warm and fuzzy way to live the journey. . . .and if you are out there, then I really do want to know you. The funny thing is that I have always thought that I did have a personal relationship with God, but I am just now, in this moment realizing that I have never felt (or even considered) that God might want to have a personal relationship with me.

Port au Charles

Some dreams stay with me longer than others, and this dream remains vivid and alive with information and insight. . . .

I dreamt that I awoke to find myself flying an airplane, but I'd been asleep in the cockpit for an unknown length of time, so I had no idea where I was, but I knew I needed to get out of the clouds, so I dropped down to find that I was just above the ground and able to land quickly and easily. The place where I found myself was at the very bottom of the world, a place called Port au Charles, in a land of paradise for people with disabilities, a place where they were accepted just as they are, with support for what they need, and jobs aplenty that they were able to do, and everyone walked around full of joy and warmth.

I don't even know what I would do in a place like this, a place where everyone was accepted even with their limitations, and provided with everything they need to succeed and be happy all of the time. Could there actually be such a place?

This dream has allowed me to ask some different questions about the nature of my journey, questions about what my needs really are, and what I would need to feel supported to succeed and feel happy all of the time. Happiness isn't really something I put a lot of stock into, but from this dream I could see more clearly that the people of Port au Charles were happy because they were accepted as they were and supported with what they needed to succeed. . . . and this kind of environment was what brought about their happiness rather than what they did (or even why).

It also makes clear that happiness is not a direct need. To make the statement, "I need to be or feel happy" is a meaningless statement, because there is nothing directly to be done to meet this need. Now I see that happiness is something that arises on its own when my needs are met, so my focus naturally shifts away from the desire to feel or be happy to looking at what my needs actually are, and then how they can best be met. I think it's very possible that a lack of happiness is really nothing more than a chronic environment that is unable (or unwilling) to meet my needs, and this awareness will change everything. . . .

The other surprising truth emerging from this dream is that I have not been acknowledging the needs that are being met by the environment I currently find myself in. . . .but that's because I haven't been focusing directly on what my needs are, but rather on how miserable and unhappy I feel. . . .so I'm embracing this wonderful new place I have discovered in my dreams, this Port au Charles at the bottom most part of the earth, a paradise for the people of special needs. . . .lol

Unpacking

When I moved to Forest Falls (back in 1995), I noticed something peculiar about the way I move, something I had never noticed before. But this awareness clarified a habit that I've had my entire life, and that is that I don't "unpack" after a move for at least six months. Oh, the big stuff gets unpacked right away. . . .all of the stuff I need and use on a daily basis, but everything that makes a home a home? That stuff stays boxed up for at least six months before the slow process of creating a home begins.

What I am realizing this morning, is that this habit doesn't just apply to a geographical move. I've had a bag of "stuff" from when I was staying down in Prescott during my leave of absence, and it was only this morning, now 3 months past when I have returned home, before the bag was finally unpacked, sorted and purged.

Old habits die hard, I guess.

It's like I somehow don't "trust" that a move is going to "stick" unless a certain amount of time has passed. . . .a remnant from all of the moving we did during the first 12 years of my life, I'm sure. But it's like all of the anxiety also gets boxed up with the stuff, so much so that it takes months before I can open up these boxes (or bags) and unpack them. I always feel better, though. . . .once they're unpacked and everything has found its new place in my home. . . .just an odd thing, how the anxiety gets all packed up with the stuff.

I think it's more than this, though. There is a part of me that does not want or like to move, and when I look back over the very long history of moves that I have made both as a child (when the moving was in my mom's control) and as an adult, the general reason for most of the moves has been a form of solution to some problem that needed to be solved. . . .so we moved. . . .problems solved. . . .lol.

As a child, I hated moving. . . .it generally meant leaving behind anything of personal meaning. . . .going to new schools. . . . .making new friends. . . .but also having no choice or say in the matter. . . .so all of that sadness and anxiety got boxed up just like everything else that couldn't be left behind. But as an adult, I have taken on this form of problem solving into my own way of being. . . .but I don't think even my adult self enjoys moving, either. . . .which explains why I am dragging my feet to leave the canyon, even though another part of me feels ready to move on. . . .I just don't want to move again. . . .I'm too tired from the long string of moves to solved problems of both choice and circumstance.

Life isn't always linear, as memory spirals through our life like the emotional DNA that defines who we are across both time and geography. . . .and sometimes we have to dive down below the surface of the memory before we discover who and what we really are.

Shantra

Many years ago I had a dream about an older, wise woman who was aged and bed ridden, but she was singing this amazing and beautiful song throughout the dream, a song that I had never heard before, and her face was illuminated with a radiance of inner peace that made her glow in her beauty. And at the end of the dream, after several queries on my part about her beautiful song, she whispered into my ear that I needed to learn how to sing my own shantra.

I have always loved this dream, a dream about learning that song that only emmanates from within one's own soul, a song that each of us has to learn how to sing for ourselves. But I have also always thought it was sort of a play on words, a "she mantra," if you will. Yet today I stumbled upon the Sanskrit word "shanti" which means "peace, rest, calmness, tranquility, or bliss," a translation which completely changes how I now understand what the woman in my dream was really trying to tell me.

Shantra. . . .the mantra of peace, rest, calmness, tranquility, bliss. . . .that song of personal truth each spirit needs to learn how to sing for its self. . . .the song that God sings each of us into our own unique existence.

I love when my world gets shaken up in wise and wonderful ways. . . .

One of the "process tools" used in the women's group I facilitated in my private practice is called the Shantra Journal, a tool used to separate one's personal shantra from the "truth" that other people try to impose upon our personal truth, a tool used to help focus the mind on how to listen to one's inner shantra. I really miss my women's groups. . . .that amazing process of helping other women learn how to sing their own shantras.

I know that I'm here at this amazing canyon for a reason, and that reason has not fully run its course, but my shantra is calling out to me, begging to be heard, and I am craving an environment where that deep calm within myself is free again to sing herself back into existence. . . .

All You Need is Love

I have come to an unexpected conclusion about my place in the world, and how I create meaningful purpose in my life. When I look at the list of more "traditional" ways that people create purpose, I have none of these contingencies, so I feel outside of my self and in search of meaning. But when I look at this list without judgment, I can see clearly that the common thread running through is love. Human beings create meaning and purpose around that which they love, whether that love be for child, significant other, family, or friends.

So why are other pursuits of love any different?

I'm not sure why it feels frivolous or narcisistic to create a meaningful life around pursuits of love, rather than persons I love. I don't have children, or grandchildren, or spouses to love, so why should this mean that the places where I find love are any less meaningful than these? If God is love, then I think the point should be simply to fill one's heart and life with love. . . .do the things we love. . . .be with the people that we love. . . .eat the foods we love. . . .and be in love with whatever life we may find ourselves a part of.

The problem is that I am nothing more than a cog in the wheel here. I'm not doing what I love. . . .I'm doing what keeps me under the radar and behind the scenes so that I can focus on me for a while. And even though this may be what I need right now, the work that I'm doing is not meaningful to my spirit at all.

So what I'm saying is that I think the point of all of this crazy thing called life is nothing more than finding what we love. . . .even when we do not always love what we find. Some people find love in their children, or grandchildren. Other people find love with a soul mate, or soulful friends. And others find love in the meaningful work that they do. Why is one source of love better or more right than the other?

Does it really matter to God where or how we find love?

Love is such a loaded word. People can say, "I love you," but does it make it so? I've been "loved" in ways that left me deeply scarred for life. . . .was that love? I've also been loved in ways that suffocated me because the person was so emotionally needy. . . was that love? I've been told, "I love you," then never heard from the person again, or only heard from them when they wanted something from me. . . .was that love? I've also been told, "I lied when I told you that I love you". . . .so, was that love? If someone does something they love, but it ends up harming someone else, does that qualirfy as love?

I think human beings can throw the word love around the way a hockey player shuttles a puck across the ice, so perhaps I have some work to do before I can feel "warm and fuzzy" with the idea of finding love in the realm of human relationship. But in the meantime, I'm going to let myself fall back in-love with my life. . . .eat the foods I love. . . and do the things I love to do. . . .because these are the reasons (at least for now) why I am motivated to get up each day.

The Point is Navajo Point

I remember when I was five years old, how I would lie on the bottom bunk trying to figure out if I was awake or dreaming. . . .and if I was dreaming, I wondered how far through the night it was (and how I could know). Had I just fallen asleep? Was it midnight? Was I just about to wake up? At five, I didn't understand that I was asking a fundamental existential question that plagues even the best of philosophical minds. . . . .I just wanted to know if I was awake or dreaming. And although I never really found a meaningful answer to this question, this fact never stopped me from asking.

Half a century later, I am still asking questions about the nature of my existence. . . .with no better answers, unfortunately, than found by my five year old mind. . . .

I'm not depressed. . . .and I'm not suicidal. . . .but I just don't understand what the point is to my life. If I were to disappear in this instant, there would be no significant change to the ebb and flow of the world. . . .none. Someone else would be hired for my position at the switchboard, people who knew me might feel a moment of sadness at the thought of me being gone, but my place in the world offers no significant daily contribution. The only part of my world that would be significantly impacted by my passing would be my cat, as she would need a new home.

As I said, I'm not depressed, and I'm not suicidal, I'm just questioning my place in the world and searching for that thread of purpose that gives me reason to get up each day, something more than just another day's struggle with anxiety, panic, and chronic sleep deprivation. I don't have children to raise. I don't have grandchildren to enjoy. I don't even have a spouse to love and cherish, so where is the purpose and meaning to a life if there are no contingencies to connect with?

Is it enough that we are created?

Thinking fondly of the cow I met down in Prescott last fall, the blissful cow eating grass as the sun set, oblivious to anything going on in the world. The cow doesn't think about its place in the world. The cow doesn't search for meaning and purpose. Is that kind of peace and serenity even possible on the other side of an existential crisis nearly half a century old? And, if not, then what's the point? Is happiness the point? Is life satisfaction the point? Is survival from Point A to Point B the point?

I don't know, maybe I am just depressed. . . .but being depressed (even if that is the case) doesn't change the essential need for the question to be answered, because I don't like the fact that any inherent meaning to the course of events in my life boils down to what I do to make a living in this God forsaken world I find myself living in.

Finding the Home Within

I've posted previously about this book I've been readong on the archetypal heroes within. . . .January processed through The Innocent, and February is the month for processing through The Orphan. This is definitely a dominant archetype of mine, especially in its shadow aspects. But surprisingly, what I'm finding is also a lot of warmth and hope on the other side of researching the exiled parts of my life.

The Orphan manifests as either the Exile or the Rebel, and I have strong tendencies for both manifestations, but the one that's rising to the surface first is clearly the Exiled Orphan, that part of me wandering in search of home and that deeper sense of belonging. . . . the part of me who feels perpetually alone in the world. . . .without home. . . .without a safe harbor to retreat to. . . .and without any hope of every finding that which I so desperately seek.

When my Exiled Orphan brought me to the canyon nearly two and a half years ago, my life had just been pulled out from underneath me, and I needed a place to let the dust settle for a while (which it has). What I didn't know then was that having the rug pulled out from beneath me was going to only be the beginning, as there was still much more of my life that needed to crumble away before I would begin to find my bearings.

But I am honestly starting to feel grateful for how my life has fallen apart around me, because I can sort through the pieces much more easily this way, and when I move on from here I will be a different person all together, and I mean that in the most wonderfully positive way that I can. My Exiled Orphan may have been the archetypal force that delivered me to the canyon, but it will be a different archetype who leads me to the home I will create for myself and all of my little exiled orphans within. . . .lol.

It is a wonderful thought, that I can be my own hero and create the home of love and warmth that my little exiled orphans have craved and longed for through the long, slow years. . . .sort of like my own personal orphange. . . . the spiritual house I have personally been granted deed by God :)

Emotional Field

I learned in my process group that "escape" and "avoidance" are two of the most significant ways that trauma can manifest, so I've been diligently observing my responses for signs that I might be avoiding or trying to escape uncomfortable and undesirable situations or circumstance. It's shocking (to me) just how much I actually do so. I'm also amazed by the invisible "emotional field" of my orphaned exile that sits in wait for these opportunities of potential liberation from the exiled life.

It's one thing to know "intellectually" that humans beings experience life within the context of an emotional field, but it's quite something different to observe that emotional field when it's in motion and affecting my responses to what's happening around me. So I am getting all kinds of practice on observing this process without needing to act on the immediate reactions, although I don't like the fact that there is so much practice to be had. . . .

God Wills It!

I recently watched Kingdom of Heaven, and what keeps haunting me is how these men justified their actions by yelling out, "God wills it!" It's offensive, to me personally, how so many wars have been waged in the name of one God or another based on the justification that God wills it.

How do people know the difference between God's will and their own will?

I had an epiphany earlier about my epiphanies, and all I can think about now is how much of a slave or puppet I have been to my epiphanies! I have these powerful moments of clarity, and somehow whatever "truth" emerges takes on a higher level of meaning and purpose. And not only that, but they very often motivate me to realign with them because they somehow feel more like what I am "supposed" to be doing than whatever it is that I am actually doing!

Why do these epiphanies feel more important, more substantive, more clarifying of what I am "supposed" to be doing?

I don't know how other people determine what is their will and what is God's will, but in this moment I honestly have no clue how to discern this for myself. I think I have been interpretting my moments of clarity as somehow God (or the Universe) intervening in my life direction to make corrections and adjustments (because they feel so much "larger than life"). But after today's epiphany about my epiphanies. . . . the truth is that I just don't know.

There is a scene from Gray's Anatomy when one of the cheerleaders tells the head cheerleader (who has been injured in a bus accident that will take her out of cheerleading for a while) something to the effect of, "I asked God what to do, and God said I should be head cheerleader." How does a person argue with that? How does a person question God's will, especially when God's will is revealed to and through another person?

In the film, Kingdom of Heaven, if anyone questioned the proclamation of "God's wills it!" they were accused of blasphemy, so what is left if God's will is revealed to some, but not to others? The king tells Balien that "A king may move a man," but goes on to say essentially that the soul of the man still belongs to the man, and the man must account for his own actions before God, and cannot justify his actions by what he was told to do by someone else. Powerful stuff.

I'm not trying to define truth (or Truth) for anyone else but me, so I make no judgments about how anyone else builds thier relationship with God or determines how the will of God moves through their lives. But in this moment I honestly have no idea how I am supposed to "know" the will of God for my own life. So the bottom line is simply this: If I am going to have a personal relationship with God and live as a spiritual adult within the house that God has granted me the deed, then no one else can tell me what the will of God is in my life, especially if I can not even discern this truth for my self.

Epiphanies...

Today I wrote a letter to a young person who is experiencing a difficult life transition, and when I finished, I walked along the rim like I was walking through the landscape of an ephiphany. It's like somehow I keep forgetting who I am, and need occasional reminders of not just who I am, but where I'm supposed to be. I sobbed my way along the rim and all the way to the post office, all the while planning my new life reorganization, but that's when the real epiphany occurred. . . .

Ephanies (for me) are like little ground hogs that pop up from my soul and reveal something important in the light of day. . . .they're larger than life, and feel more present and real. But I've been taking these moments of clarity literally, rather than understanding them like dreams that use symbolic images to express what my deeper self needs me to know in that moment. If an epiphany involves images of living in a specific place, I've been interpretting that to mean that I am "supposed" to be living there, or doing something that also emerged as part of the epiphany.

Oh, my goodness. . . .I've been getting my epiphanies all wrong!

So, moving forward, I'm going to take the images that emerge from my epiphanies and work with them the exact same way that I work with my dreams, and seek to understand them as nothing more than my deeper self expressing feelings and desires in a symbolic language that exists outside of words and logic. Because, perhaps it's not always about uprooting and repositioning. . . .perhaps it's more about revisioning and rearranging :) What a wonderfully fresh way of looking at my epiphanies!

Free Will Isn't Free

Still processing through what it means to be a spiritual adult. . . .and if we accept the deed to our spiritual house that God grants to each of us, then the foundation of this house is definitely free will.

But free will isn't free.

I remember going to the grocery store with my grandmother one time, and she was pretty angry when she got to the register with a new brand of fabric softener called Free! and she was expected to pay for it. I'm sure that my grandmother wasn't the only misguided consumer who was told that Free! was the name of the fabric softener, and not the price. It seems odd that they would charge for something called Free!, but that's exactly what they did. I don't think it was a very successful marketing scheme. . . .lol.

Free will is the same way. We may call it "free will," but there is nothing free about it, for there is a very high price to pay for the ability to make choices about who we choose to be, how we choose to live, and and what we choose to do with our spiritual house. I've also been thinking a lot about free will -vs- God's will.

I have to start at the basic level, because the truth is that I don't really know what "God's will" really means. However, on a biological level, I do know what God's will for me is, because that truth is encoded as my DNA, that amazingly mysterious information that creates my physical form and regulates every single biochemical process in my body. My DNA is God's will for my biological self. . . .it's the "me" that God creates out of earth and animates in spirit.

So free will in terms of this part of God's will is pretty clear. I never liked that God willed me to have dark hair, so over the years I colored it the color that I wanted. I also didn't like the crooked teeth that God willed for my too small mouth, so I opposed God's will again by getting braces in my teens. I could also argue that every time I have cut my hair into uniquely personal styles I have exerted my free will over God's will, because God created my hair to grow, and not necessarily into a very flattering style. These may seem like simple or ridiculous examples of free will over God's will, but that is exactly what it is, only we don't think of these personal choices in terms of being in opposition of God's will.

Another example of God's will in my life is how my DNA is created with specific genetic sequences that predispose me to getting cancer, which means that I could argue that cancer is actually part of God's will for me. So does that mean that every time I fight the cancer in my body or fight against the presence of cancer in my life that I sin against and oppose God's will for me? Because if that's true, then I don't really care if I fight God's will, for there are little things that I do every single day in attempt to circumvent this part of God's will in my biology. My DNA also has other undesireable biological traits, all of which I also fight on a daily basis (like my unique genetic predispositions to aging, wrinkled skin, higher cholesterol, and brittle bones), but I don't have a problem with fighting any of this, either.

But I am more than earth, more than just the biology that God wills for me, as I am also spirit with purpose. And this is more the part of our nature when people talk about aligning themselves with God's will. But I will need to think more upon this before I can say much more. Suffice it (for now) that I am perfectly at peace with imposing my free will over God's will in terms of my biology with the lifestyle choices that I make. . . .and the rest is working itself out.

My House

Before I came to work tonight, I had a dream. In the dream I am in someone else's house, and over a radio I am listening to all of the commentary that people have about me and the way I live my life. The judgments about me are shocking and appalling, but I'm afraid to speak up (because I am living in someone else's house). I finally get angry enough that I don't really care what the people in the house think of me as I key up the mike and yell at the people, "Hey! I'm a grown ass adult. I'm not just 18, I'm 21! So I'm going to live my life any way I choose. . . .as long as I'm willing to accept the consequences!" And then I woke up.

What strikes me about this dream is two things: one, I was afraid to speak up because I was living in someone else's house, and two, I woke up at the point when I was experiencing a very uncomfortable emotional experience (which is a huge insight for my chronic sleep deprivation). . . .but moving on. . . .

When we live in someone else's house, we are expected to live by their rules. My house. . . .my rules. It's what parents enforce with their rebellious teenagers, and it's just respectful behavior (when we are staying in someone else's house). But what does this mean in terms of my personal evolution?

Living in someone else's house means that I am dependent upon the "lord and lady" of that house, because I am granted access and permission based on their approval of my presence. This is just a statement of fact. When I rent from someone, I am dependent upon the landlord's approval. When I work for someone, I am dependent  upon the employer's approval. When I live in someone else's house, I am dependent upon the owner's approval of me and what I do. For me personally, the more dependent I feel, the more anxious I feel about speaking my personal truth. But why do I live in other people's houses in terms of my personal power? As I so uneloquently told the people in my dream, I am a grown ass adult!  lol. . . .

As an adult in the earthly world, we move out of our parents' home and into our own home (either alone, or with our spouse), which is, of course, one of the signs of becoming an autonomous and independent adult. So what does it mean to be a spiritual adult? Which then makes me wonder about the spiritual house in which I live. For me, personally, the kingdom where my spiritual house resides is the Kingdom of God, but why do I live in other people's houses within this kingdom? Another way of saying this is, why do I remain dependent upon how other people think about me or the life I choose to live?

I think that a spiritual adult is one who makes choices about how they live their life based on not just the approval of God, but also with the willingness to accept the consequences of choices made even if and when God does not approve of that choice. That's what free will means. And God is the one who gives us free will. So if God has blessed me with the ability to make choices about how I live my life, and if I am willing to accept the consequences of these choices from God, then why do I worry so much about how other people who are not God think of me?

So the only question on my mind tonight is, spiritually speaking, whose house do I live in?

I think it's easier (on one level) to simply live in God's house. God's house is a safe and protected place, but it also means that I am then expected to live by the rules of this house, which makes me a spiritual child dependent upon God's approval of "right versus wrong/good versus bad" choices in order to remain living within this house.

But God offers more than just the Law of Moses. God offers each of us the deed to our own spiritual house. . . .a house where we are free to make our own choices. . . .a house where we alone are responsible for the consequences of those choices. . . . .a house that's built from the walls of free will, that amazing gift of God.

So, do I want to be a spiritual child, or a spiritual adult? Do I live in fear of God's approval, or do I live in God's gift of free will? Am I willing to accept the consequences of living a life that even God may not approve of? My answer is unequivocally, yes, I want to be a spiritual adult fully willing to accept the consequences of the choices I make about me and the way I live my life. But am I really ready to accept the deed to my own spiritual house?

Sitting at the Edge

I awoke this morning thinking about the scripture verse about Faith, Love, and Joy. I think the reason why the greatest of these is Love is because it's the only direct experience of these three virtues. "I love" is a complete sentence. . . .a complete experience. . . .a complete connection with God.

To say, "I faith," or "I joy," has no meaning. "I have faith" or "I am faithful" are complete sentences, but the verb, the action, the experiece is no longer the virtue itself, but rather a state of being, which is not a direct action at all. The direct action of faith is, "I believe." Faith may be one way that we describe how or why we believe, but "I believe" is a complete expereience, in and of itself, and is the direct experience that connects us with God.

There is a scene from The Matrix, where Neo is meeting the oracle for the first time, and she asks him if he believes that he's "the one." Neo isn't sure, and so she says to him, "Being the one is like being in love. No one can tell you that you're in love, you just know it, through and through. . . .balls to bones." I love this line, because it's just so true.

So, I love. . . .and I believe.

Descartes believed that the core essence of who we are, the most basic truth that defines our existence was Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am. But what makes this statement powerful for me in this moment is not the emphasis on how our thoughts define who we are, but rather on how it is a direct action, a complete experience that defines our existence.

I think, therefore I am. I love, therefore I am. I believe, therefore I am. I feel, therefore I am.

As I laid in bed thinking about this, I asked myself what the direct experience is for what I'm experiencing right now, this long, dark walk I seem to find myself upon. I feel separated from God. My spirit feels damp and soggy. I feel overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks, and I feel immobilized by the weight of the overwhelming feeling, but these words only describe my experience. What is the direct experience itself? What is the completeness of language for that direct connection to God that this experience opens up for me? And then it hit me. . . .

I grieve.

I may feel trapped and stuck here at the canyon by the lack of response from any of the Prescott employers, but the lack of jobs in Prescott is actually "forcing" me to stay put and deal with what I am experiencing. Sorting through all of this "stuff" is very much a spiritual process of grieving, because I can't "let go" of the stuff until I accept the truth of that part of my life, of my journey that has led me to this point in time and place where I sit at the edge of myself.

Yes, I sort. . . .and I purge. . . and so I grieve. This is the natural order of things. I'm not depressed. . . .I don't need anti-depressive medication. . . .I am in the process of grieving. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Of course I feel like my spirit is damp and soggy. And, of course I feel separated from God. . . .because I feel separated from myself. I am letting go of out-dated beliefs. . . .letting go of parts of my identity. . . . letting go of unfinished and incomplete pieces of my journey. . . .and it is the embracing of this truth that connects me with God.

So, I grieve. . . .therefore I am. . . .with God.

Lightening the Load

The goal is to purge my stuff down to where I can move in one fell swoop. That's the goal. But between here and there? Oh my goodness, there is just a LOT of stuff to sort and purge!

A few weeks ago, when I attempted to move what I have in storage in Valle into storage in Prescott, I felt suffocated to open up the storage door. What do I need with all of that stuff?! Most of it has been in storage for more than a year, and I couldn't even tell you what's in the boxes, so I've obviously not needed any of it, but there it is. Good grief. . . .when I started out in life, I could fit everything I owned into the back seat of my tiny little Fiat. And now? I'm overwhelmed just to open a door!

When I was searching online for images for this blog, I found a lot of images of Jesus carrying his cross, and it made me feel tiny and petty for feeling so overwhelmed by all of this trivial and meaningless stuff. And it reminded my heart that I hold on to trivial and meaningless stuff on the level of spirit, too. And it's all of this "stuff" that keeps me burdened in my walk with God, as well. I carry everything. . . .don't let go of the things I should.

I feel the burden of this deeply in my body, today. . . .heavy and thick with just how overwhelmed it feels to carry around the weight of all of this stuff. And I'm no longer talking about the physical stuff. . . .I mean the trivial and meaningless stuff that suffocates me and makes my spirit feel like a soggy wet dog. I don't want to carry this burden any more, but I just don't know how to let it go.

The only saving grace for me today is that I know that this is not what God ever intended for me. So I continue to sort and purge. . . .through both the physical and the spiritual. . . .and pray for the courage to let go of these trivial and meaningless burdens that keep me separated from God.

I had a dream earlier. . . .I am camping with Sarra along a wilderness protected river, and we are in a tent. Two German Sheppard dogs are barking and trying to get in the tent to attack Sarra. The cat's instincts are to run, so I am struggling to hold on to her and also zip the door closed. I am fiercely protecting her from both her instincts and the dogs, kicking the dogs with my booted feet, yelling at the owner to get control of his dogs.

What is different about this dream is that it's not a dream about powerlessness or helplessness, it's a dream about me fiercely protecting a vulnerable Sarra, which is richly symbolic of the vulnerable parts of my self that needs to be protected right now.

I don't say no. That's not true; I do say no, but it's often only after a great deal of angst and anxiety.

I am moving into a different me, a me who draws lines, a me who says, "No." and means it. The paring down my Grand Canyon Facebook friends list is bigger than just what it appears on the surface. I understand that Facebook has become the new social currency, with snippets of life status that connect people in ways that out-dated "live" conversations used to, but my conscious choosing of who I allow to have contact with what I share about my life here, that is exactly the same thing as me kicking away the dogs trying to get at the vulnerable Sarra. . . .it is my way of fiercely protecting the vulnerable parts of me that needs to feel safe and protected while things get sorted out.

I love how nature teaches important life truths. I remember watching Sarra's little kittens as they first started to learn about the world. They are so completely trusting. A kitten will romp and play, even with "danger" just around the corner, because it doesn't always know what is friend or foe. A kitten may not yet know, but a cat does, and a mama cat teaches her kittens to discern between the two. . . .that's just what mama cats do. That, and fight like the dickens to keep them safe and protected.

So I think there is more change on my horizon, change that may not always feel fun and fuzzy, but a change that is going to emerge whether I want it to, or not.

Hide and Seek

I understand why I'm having a hard time adjusting to life here at the canyon post-fmla. I don't like attention. . . .positive or negative, it doesn't matter. I live my life essentially trying to stay under the radar. Out of sight. . . .out of mind. So being the focus of all of this attention right now (real or perceived). . . .yeah, really not comfortable for me.

One of my aunts once described me as a child. She said I was like a little librarian, quiet and generally off by myself all the time. I think she also said that she used to worry about me. . . .lol. . . .but I think it's a pretty good description of me as a child. I have always preferred pursuits of a solitary nature. . . .not one to have a lot of friends. . . .and I generally don't have a problem with this (in and of itself). . . .but it strikes me as odd tonight just how much I seek to avoid being seen. . . .really being seen.

Thinking of someone I met when I was in Bellingham, an artist who observed others the same way that I do, only I wasn't used to being seen like that myself. It felt eerie, strangely distant and cold, although I knew that it was the same way I observed others. . . .deep and piercing. I've had people tell me how uncomfortable they felt the first time they met me. . . .as if I were looking right through them. Yet to be the center of observation myself. . . .lol. . . .a different set of rules, apparently.

What is it, about being seen, that makes me turn away and want to hide who I am?

Such a strange paradox. . . .this reluctance to be seen, yet at the same time craving from my depth to be known and accepted. And I can't help but wonder if other people live in this kind of paradox, too. Is it something that we all do? Hide, but crave to be found?

This is exactly what I love about the journey to myself. All of a sudden I can see clearly all of the ways I used to hide as a child, yet secretly wanting to be found, like a psychological "hide and seek" that is far from being just a fun and frivolous childhood game. And it's crazy how so much of our identity as adults is invisibly wrapped up in the experiences of a long ago forgotten child.

This is why my best friend in high school had no idea about anything that was going on inside of my world, why "mirth" is the word she uses to describe me, even though I was deeply sad and depressed. This is why my grandmother once said to me (as my life and marriage was falling apart around me), "I don't even have to ask how you are, you're always great!" This is how my husband married a woman he knew nothing about, and why I have always felt orphaned and misunderstood.

The truth of who I am has been hiding in the shadows, unable to be seen or known by anyone else.

Yet, it's not really about being seen by others, as much as it about allowing myself to be seen, which is not the same thing. Other people are going to see whatever it is that they want to see, so that really isn't my concern. But for the parts of me that have been in hiding all of these years to step out from the shadows into the light of day? Now, that is a different thing altogether.

But am I really ready to be found?

There is a peace that can only be found in solitude. I can imagine a person who has been living "lost" on a deserted island for a long time might also question if they wanted to be found. To have accepted a life of solitude, especially if one finds peace within the quiet. . . .it's not an easy thing to give up, or to move out from the shadows and into the light of day. And the truth is that this person was only lost to the outside world, not really to themself.

So I guess I am ready to be found. . . .just not necessarily by other people. . . .because it's a good thing to have boundaries that separate the outside world from my inner world. . . .and ultimately, the only person who can really find me is me.

Getting SEREious about Healing

So I was standing in line at the General Store yesterday afternoon, minding my business, just buying some milk for my graveyard coffee, when I notice two people laughing in the next lane. One of them I recognized. . . . .I don't "know" him personally, but I know who he is, and he was laughing while talking into the woman's ear. She then turns to look at me, which he pulled her back. They continue laughing, and I can hear only snippets of the conversation, predemominantly. . . . she. . . . she. . . . she.

I honestly have no idea WHAT they were talking about, but it wasn't one of those warm and fuzzy moments in my life. So I left, saying nothing, of course, because what does a person say in the face of such eye-rolling human indiscretion?

I'm thinking about Don Henley's song. . ..kick 'em when they're up. . . kick 'em when they're down. . . .lol.

I know I'm not supposed to care about what these immature gossip mongers do for their gossip-minding fun, but it bothered me. And it also made me realize that I'm not being true to my own needs, because I haven't felt comfortable having vague people I don't really know be part of my Facebook world when we live in such a small, closed, gossip-ridden community. So I cleared out my FB friends who live at the canyon last night, all except for the people I have an active friendship with, and people whom I trust are not gossipping about what they read here.

I had a long conversation last night with an ex-marine who underwent SERE training. This Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape training is something I don't know if I could ever do, but he talked about one three-day part of the training where they were to lay in one position for three days and remain completely immobile. . . .no matter what happens. No matter if bugs are crawling all over you and biting you non-stop. . . no matter if a jungle snake crawl around your face biting you as it leaves. . . no matter what is going on, the successful training is noted by the soldier who is able to not react to what was happening to them.

I think my time here at the canyon is my personal SERE training. . . .lol.

So, I'm moving into a new phase with my hypersensitivity right now. I'm going to start applying the SERE way of life to my PTSD healing and recovery, so that means learning how to not react to the insensitive immaturity crawling all over me psychologically. I want to acknowledge what's real, but I no longer want it to give it any more power over the real estate in my mind. . . .Lord, give me strength!

What God Says About Me!

My friend Barbara sent this link to me after my last blog:


http://branchofvine.blogspot.com/2007/06/what-god-says-about-me.html


This is what's posted on this blog....and SO what I needed to hear!!

 

What God says about me!

John 1:12 I am a child of God (Romans 8:16).

John 15:1,5 I am a part of the true vine, a channel (branch) of His Life.

John 15:15 I am Christ's friend.

John 15:16 I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit.

Acts 1:8 I am a personal witness of Christ for Christ.

Romans 3:24 I have been justified and redeemed.

Romans 5:1 I have been justified (completely forgiven and made righteous) and am at peace with God.

Romans 6:1-6 I died with Christ and died to the power of sin's rule in my life.

Romans 6:7 I have been freed from sin's power over me.

Romans 6:18 I am a slave of righteousness.

Romans 6:22 I am enslaved to God.

Romans 8:1 I am forever free from condemnation.

Romans 8:14,15 I am a son of God (God is literally my "Papa") (Galatians 3:26; 4:6).

Romans 8:17 I am an heir of God and fellow heir with Christ.

Romans 11:16 I am holy.

Romans 15:7 Christ has accepted me.

1 Corinthians 1:2 I have been sanctified.

1 Corinthians 1:30 I have been placed in Christ by God's doing; Christ is now my wisdom from God, my righteousness, my sanctification, and my redemption.

1 Corinthians 2:12 I have received the Spirit of God into my life that I might know the things freely given to me by God.

1 Corinthians 2:16 I have been given the mind of Christ.

1 Corinthians 3:16; 6:19 I am a temple (home) of God; His Spirit (His life) dwells in me.

1 Corinthians 6:17 I am joined to the Lord and am one spirit with Him.

1 Corinthians 6:19,20 I have been bought with a price; I am not my own; I belong to God.

1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body (Ephesians 5:30).

2 Corinthians 1:21 I have been established in Christ and anointed by God.

2 Corinthians 2:14 He always leads me in His triumph in Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:14,15 Since I have died, I no longer live for myself, but for Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:17 I am a new creation.

2 Corinthians 5:18,19 I am reconciled to God and am a minister of reconciliation.

2 Corinthians 5:21 I am the righteousness of God in Christ.

Galatians 2:4 I have liberty in Christ Jesus.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I am now living is Christ's life.

Galatians 3:26,28 I am a child of God and one in Christ.

Galatians 4:6,7 I am a child of God and an heir through God.

Ephesians 1:1 I am a saint (1 Corinthians 1:2; Philippians 1:1; Colossians 1:2).

Ephesians 1:3 I am blessed with every spiritual blessing.

Ephesians 1:4 I was chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and without blame before Him.

Ephesians 1:7,8 I have been redeemed and forgiven, and am a recipient of His lavish grace.

Ephesians 2:5 I have been made alive together with Christ.

Ephesians 2:6 I have been raised up and seated with Christ in heaven.

Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship, created in Christ to do His work that He planned beforehand that I should do.

Ephesians 2:13 I have been brought near to God.

Ephesians 2:18 I have direct access to God through the Spirit.

Ephesians 2:19 I am a fellow citizen with the saints and a member of God's household.

Ephesians 3:6 I am a fellow heir, a fellow member of the body, and a fellow partaker of the promise in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with boldness and confidence.

Ephesians 4:24 I am righteous and holy.

Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.

Philippians 4:7 His peace guards my heart and my mind.

Philippians 4:19 God will supply all my needs.

Colossians 1:13 I have been delivered from the domain of darkness and transferred to the kingdom of Christ.

Colossians 1:14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. The debt against me has been canceled (Colossians 2:13,14).

Colossians 1:27 Christ Himself is in me.

Colossians 2:7 I have been firmly rooted in Christ and am now being built up and established in Him.

Colossians 2:10 I have been made complete in Christ.

Colossians 2:12,13 I have been buried, raised, and made alive with Christ, and totally forgiven.

Colossians 3:1 I have been raised with Christ.

Colossians 3:3 I have died, and my life is now hidden with Christ in God.

Colossians 3:4 Christ is now my life.

Colossians 3:12 I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved (1 Thessalonians 1:4).

1 Thessalonians 5:5 I am a child of light and not of darkness.

2 Timothy 1:7 I have been given a spirit of power, love, and discipline.

2 Timothy 1:9 I have been saved and called (set apart) according to God's purpose and grace (Titus 3:5).

Hebrews 2:11 Because I am sanctified and am one with Christ, He is not ashamed to call me His.

Hebrews 3:1 I am a holy partaker of a heavenly calling.

Hebrews 3:14 I am a partaker of Christ.

Hebrews 4:16 I may come boldly before the throne of God to receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

1 Peter 2:5 I am one of God's living stones and am being built up as a spiritual house.

1 Peter 2:9,10 I am a part of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of God's own possession.

1 Peter 2:11 I am an alien and stranger to this world that I temporarily live in.

1 Peter 5:8 I am an enemy of the devil. He is my adversary.

2 Peter 1:4 I have been given God's precious and magnificent promises by which I am a partaker of the divine nature.

1 John 3:1 God has bestowed a great love on me and called me His child.

1 John 4:15 God is in me and I am in God.

Still we have 3 choices:

1. Believe what others say about us
2. Believe what our 'feeling' says about us
3. Believe what God (TRUTH) says about us.

Courtesy: www.lifetime.org