Self-Mutilation

Last night my friend Gayle was talking about a recent injustice in her life, and as we ate dinner she said something that I have continued to think about all day. She said, "Why should I stay upset? It only makes me suffer." And she is absolutley right!

The truth of the matter is this: when I allow myself to grind my thoughts over the latest nasty deed, it is my joy that is diminished, not the person who may actually enjoy trying to make me miserable.

I may not know exactly what Jesus meant when he said, "The Kingdom of God is at Hand," but I do believe that I have a choice about what kind of reality I create right here on earth. I can live in a Heaven on Earth, or I can live in a Hell on Earth, but it's not about how I am treated by other people that creates this Heaven or Hell. . . .it's about how I treat myself, and perhaps more importantly, how I treat other people that makes that choice for me.

I remember a fellow grad student that I thought was just a really wonderful person, and he clearly didn't like me, but I never let that deter me from interacting with him with great joy and exhuberance. . . much to his personal dismay, I'm afraid :) So why am I so bothered by what this woman does? Seriously. . . .why am I bothered by what she does? Why am I so apparently incapable of feeling genuine compassion for this woman? Because it's not really about her anymore. . . .it's all about me, me and my limitations as a human being!

The horrible truth is this: knowing that it is my own limitation that causes this suffering and self-mutilation of my joy qutie honestly may not be enough! What if I can't evolve through this? How do I explain this utter failure to God?

The Journey of Odysseus. . . .

My niece's post today reminds me that I'm not the only unfortunate soul who seems destined to live the journey of Odysseus. All we want is to get home to our beloved, to live a life of peace and joy, to sing and dance and feel the softness of a good night sleep upon our back. . . . but the winds of change just keep blowing us further and further off course. I have lived this journey. . . .still  live this journey. . . .although I have come to embrace the way of Odysseus.

My niece, however, well. . . .she's still fighting the winds of fate, resisting the change they most certainly will blow through her life. It's not the journey I would wish upon anyone, especially my beloved niece. And I so very much wish I could make her passage easier, but it is apparently her journey to bear. . . .a hard journey, indeed.

So, hold on tight Maygan, and enjoy the journey for what it is. . . .even if it's not the journey you would like it to be. . . .

Heart Stone at Kaibab Trail Head :)

Just outside of the restrooms at the Kaibab trail head on my wonderful afternoon hike with Ellen I stumbled upon, yes, another heart stone :) And I know exactly what's it's telling me, but I don't feel warm and fuzzy. . . .not today. Today I want to just walk on by and pretend I don't see it, pretend that the wind is blowing so hard that I can't hear what the heart stone is telling me, because in this momont I don't want to let go of my anger. . . .I don't want to forgive this latest nasty deed.

I know that we forgive others because it's how we release our own heart to live and love again, but good grief! Can't I just hold on to this righteous anger for another minute longer?

Picking Battles. . . .

I don't know how many times I have heard well intentioned people tell me, "Pick your battles wisely." I understand what they mean, but in this moment, the more I think about this statement, the clearer its error in judgment becomes, because the uncomfortable truth is this: Most people do NOT go around looking for a battle to fight! The battle picks them!

The mother of a child born with birth defects didn't choose that battle. The abused children of the world do not choose these battles either. I didn't go around intentionally looking for a dysfunctional child non-protective system as a never ending source of work stress and strife. I didn't ask to be born into family systems that have given me a never ending source of life battles. And I certainly didn't ask for this woman to become a part of my life here at what was supposed to be my working vacation bliss!

So, no. . . .we do not pick our battles...they pick us! The only choice we have in the matter is how we choose to respond to the battles that pick us.

As a spirit warrior, this insight has particular relevance for me, because I would honestly like to understand why there have been (by all accounts) a clearly unfair number of battles throughout the course of my life that have picked me :) So I wonder. . . .Did this life of battle become the crucible that forged the spirit warrior? Or is it because I was born a spirit warrior the battles then naturally migrated my way? I don't know, but I all too often end up feeling like it's me against the world.  . . .

Last night, my friends and I watched "Scott Pilgrim Against the World," a wacky film about a young man who unexpectedly finds himself fighting seven battles that picked him. And as quirky as this film was, there were some important nuggets of truth that I found to apply to me and my life as a spirit warrior: (1) A successful defeat only brings on battle with stronger foes; (2) A successful defeat delivers unexpected change upon us, and the harder the battle, the greater the change; (3) The strongest weapons that we have are pulled from our heart; (4) It is important to fight the battle for the right reason; and (5) The most powerful foe we will ever meet is ourself.

The Fine Line between Love and Hate...

I awaken this morning still processing the question of why I am letting this woman get under my skin. I've been lying here for the past hour looking at my journey, and I see very clearly that I have been battling some form of "Satan" throughout my entire life. I can call it Satan, the Dark Lord, darkness, the dark side, devil, demon, monster, evil, badness, cancer. . . .call it what you want, but the effect has been the same. . . .a life time of ever exhausting battle!

But this morning I also see just as clearly that there are two kinds of battle. There is a battle "against" and there is a battle "for." Most of the battles I have waged were a fighting against something. . . .the system, the university, the endless abuse of power. But this other kind of battle (one with which I am far less familiar) is the battle of the for, that standing of one's ground in the face of the against, fighting for that which we want!

My friend Madalena from California so poignantly talks about just this in an email I awakend to find waiting for me this morning. And I think she is absolutely right. . . .no matter where we live, or what we do, no matter how perfectly utopian the circumstances are in our lives, there will always be stress and strife. . . .there will always be something or someone who either intentioanlly or inadvertantly comes between us and the amazing life we want to live. We can not escape the human condition! Which means, there will always be a need to stand our ground and fight for what is most important to us. . . .

However, once we have mastered the art of knowing what is most important in our lives (a daunting task in and of itself), the real challenge becomes learning the difference between these two battles. . . .as there is a very fine line between fighting for what we love. . . . and fighting against what we hate.

Heart Stones Unite!

Yesterday was an interesting day. . . .some evidence emerged that I am making progress with my personal battle, but I still managed to let it get under my skin. . . .and as I walked home, I could NOT stop perseverating about the events that had unfolded earlier in my day!

So there I was. . . .walking home. . . .perseverating at will. . . .and then I look down. . . .and guess what I see. . . . yes, of course, another heart stone! This one was actually quite large, about 10 inches across the widest part! My heart actually lept with great joy. . . .like I had bumped into a best friend I haven't seen in a long time!

See. . . .this is the beauty of walking through a magical world that speaks to me! Now that I know what the heart stones are trying to tell me. . . .that my personal power is transformation through love. . . .I was able to make an adjustment in attitude and focus pretty darned quickly! [By the way. . . .one of my all time favorite programs was a very short lived series called "Wonderfalls" about a young woman who could hear her world talking to her, too! But that is another story to tell...]

So even though I may not (yet) know why I give so much of my energy and personal power to this woman in my mind, once again, the power of the heart stone healed another part of my troubled world :) I just absolutely love these heart stones for how wonderfully miraculous and magical their words are when spoken upon my mind! I can't find them, of course, when I am purposefully looking for them. . . .which only reaffirms that it is the universe speaking to me and guiding my heart's journey. . . .

So I say, let the heart stones and my heart unite!