The Plan

Preparing for this journey, the "worst case scenario" plan has been to take it one day at a time...one mile at a time...enjoy the journey along the way...and if the car crapped out, then I would simply settle in to wherever I was, find work, save up for the car repairs, then trudge on once I was prepared to do so.

The plan is still the plan in motion...I just wasn't expecting to be stopped in my tracks so quickly.

I'm very glad that I have taken my time during this first part of the journey...to work out the bugs...and also to let the aging car settle in to a new normal towing two thousand extra pounds, because I am close enough to all of the support resources that I both need and trust (while I get the car repairs and trailer upgrade completed).

It's all good...I'm safe...Sarra's safe...the car & trailer are in good hands...and we're living the dream already.

Am I disappointed that I need to take this extra time so soon along the journey? Absolutely...but living the open-ended life is all about responding to what's immediately in front of me, and letting go of the self-imposed arbitrary deadlines, so that's precisely what I'm doing...slowly...grieving a bit along the way...and embracing the joy that I am already living each day.

This trip to Nova Scotia isn't just about Nova Scotia...it's all about the journey of discovery along the way. And I don't want to circumvent that by simply cutting a beeline path to the Atlantic Northeast. So, I just need to continue to follow the plan, because it's a good plan....and it's the plan that will eventually GET me to Nova Scotia...lol.

What's immediately in front of me is a large financial output that's necessary for the journey to continue...then save up again for the gas money east. I'm not deterred from the vision, I'm just temporarily detoured, which is not the same thing at all.

Life is unpredictable, and so is the journey along the way. I am looking for the unexpected gifts that await discovery along this detour, because I am certain they will present themselves once the disappointment has worked itself through its own timing and process.

Expectation shapes reality.

So, the most immediate gift is to be able to spend more time with Denny...and, even if that is the only gift that emerges, then it is worth whatever time I will need to take care of business and prepare for the next season of change.

Of course, I am quite anxious to explore everything that Nova Scotia has to offer, but I am not in a hurry to get there. It's just like "having the sex" and "playing the tunes" lol...I really do want to enjoy all of the visits with friends and family along the way.

So, I guess I have another opportunity to once again let go of my expectations, and simply let the joy unfold before me...

Expectations

I had an interesting experience tonight while I was piping. I stopped trying to play a tune, and just started to play the notes...not scales, but just playing whatever notes I felt like playing...and it was lovely, absolutely lovely.

I am still learning how to let go of my self-imposed expectations.

Learning to play the bagpipes feels a lot like dating...lol. In the dating world, the focus (for many people) is all about the sex. Everyone wants to have the sex...lol...so they meet, compare chemistry & compatibility, then quickly end up having the sex.And, with the bagpipes, the focus is on the tunes....everyone wants to play the tunes...lol...so the first thing we do (when we pick up our set of bagpipes) is try to play the tunes.

I've been all about the tunes...lol.

Having the sex...or playing the tunes...it's all the same process. It's all about getting to where you want to get as quickly as possible.

Tonight I was able to let go of the expectation that the goal of playing the bagpipes was all about the sex...uh, I mean the playing of the tunes...lol. (That's one mixed metaphor that I want to keep separate...lol). And, all joking aside, it felt amazing...because I started to develop a real relationship with the bagpipes. So, once we are both ready to start playing the tunes, we will understand each other in a way that will make the playing so much richer and meaningful....just the like having of the sex in dating...lol.

Who knew that dating and bagpipes had so much in common? lol...

But, in all seriousnessn I have a lot to learn about letting go of the expectations I place upon myself...which is why I have created this open-ended life...but, change does not happen immediately, even when it is actively sought.

In the mean time, I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow night's playing of the notes...and, I guess the only question that remains unanswered is whether I should bring a bottle of wine and shave my legs...lol.

3000 Feet

My recent drive along the rim of the Grand Canyon has made two things clear: (1) I need to prepare for the unexpected downgrades on the road by installing brakes to my trailer; and, (2) I am not ever going to be prepared for every curve along the roads I travel.

Life is unpredictable.

I am driving both car and trailer well within all parameters of safety that would be good enough for all of the ten million miles I might drive upon. But none of that matters when I come upon an unexpected 3000 feet downgrade that exceeds (even briefly) the safety parameters in dynamic motion between gravity and everything I'm driving.

In this recent scenario, I made it safely down the unexpected downgrade, but not without a hard lesson learned. I will be installing brakes onto the trailer...not because I need them for 99.99% of the driving I will do...not because I will use them every time I drive (because I won't...and may never even use them again)...but, rather, for the peace of mind that their installation will bring for the "just in case" I stumble upon another dangerous curve at the bottom of an unexpected sharp downgrade that just may save a life. But even that isn't going to eliminate the risk that I take every time I drive with this trailer...

There's only so much I can do to prepare for the unexpected...and, the rest is all about managing the risk.

I have a cousin who is off traveling the world, and her dad is urging her to come home becauae he is worried about her safety in a country experiencing political unrest. The truth is that she is probably at no more risk from harm there than anywhere else, but when local circumstances bring the risk to the surface, it gives the illision of more danger.

I think we need a healthy layer of denial in order to get up out of bed and face the invisible danger that lurks around every corner of this "civilized" urban jungle. Because the truth is that we live in a dangerous world no matter what geography we call home.

But, some risk can be mitigated, so that's what I'm going to do...which is what the hard lessons in life are all about. What we survive makes us stronger ONLY if we learn from what we've survived and apply it to our life...like a perpetual Ground Hog's Day...lol.

Living life is a risk I am willing to take, because living the illision of safety & security is (for me) a risk far more dangerous than anything I will do while I'm out traveling the world..

40 mph Brain

As I was driving along the backroads of Route 66, I ended up behind a car sightseeing at a 40 mph pace (through a 65 mph zone), and something wondetful happened. The cars & trucks that wanted to drive fast simply passed around us, and I was able to relax and begin to enjoy the drive. And feeling the stark difference helped me to draw an important parallel between driving while towing the trailer and "driving" my brain.

My brain is a 40 mph brain living in a 75 mph world.

The world around me moves too fast and furious for my brain to process, so it gets overwhelmed. That's why I work so hard to control my environment. And if I could simply travel through life at a pace that my brain can process as I go, then I think I could manage that pretty well.

So I am excited about using the parallel process between driving while towing and my brain to help strengthen my self-confidence around living life at my own pace, especially when the people around me don't understand...and "expect" me to be driving at warp speed when it's just not possible for me to do so!

I really want to enjoy life...to enjoy MY life...because all I get is one shot to get this right. So I can no longer afford spending my life energy trying to force my brain to keep up with the world around me.

This insight is very helpful to understand how to best support my brain, but it does make me wonder if it means that I am destined to be "flying solo" for the rest of my life...or are there people whose pace is able to more closely align with my own? I don't know, of course, but my curiosity is piqued.

For today, I am catching my breath and feeling content to slow down to a life pace where I can process...and it feels pretty darned good.

Predictions

I have a lot on my mind tonight, but mostly it's about all of the unknowns associated with my trip. I have planned and prepared for months, but now it's down to last minute details...details and probabilities for success.

There are many things I've done to help prepare me for this, but I have never actually done this before, so everything is going to be a learning curve. Well, not everything...and as I think about it, there really is very little about this trip that I haven't already done...it's just about putting it all together in a unique way that makes this feel like I am out of my element.

Yes, there will be parts of this journey that will overwhelm me, but that is no different than anything else that I do on any given day. My brain is easily overwhelmed...that's one of the PTSD symptoms that makes my daily life such a challenge...but this fact isn't going to stop me from taking this journey (or cause me to turn back once I begin).

If I allowed feeling overwhelmed to make my decisions for me, I would generally never get out of bed...lol.

What I am learning is that my brain gets overwhelmed by too much external stimulus...so I will simply make my way at a pace that minimizes the overwhelmed feelings. If this trip takes 3 months to get to Nova Scotia and I have only a few weeks there, then so be it.

I am trying to learn how to live in today, without the pressures of intangible futures...which isn't an easy thing to do...but I am learning....even if it's a slow process.

Predictions are something that I am paring out of my life, because what positive purpose can they possibly serve? Positive or negative, they still deal with intangible future outcomes. Living in the now, there is simply nothing for me to be gained by trying to prove or predict one future or another...and living an open-ended life by its very definition means that my journey can change at any point that I decide for it to change.

I'll never get anywhere if I don't have goals, right?

An open-ended life is a goal directed life...it's just that the goals are present-moment based (rather than future potentials & possibilities)...which changes everything, of course.

So will I make it to Nova Scotia? I have no idea...lol...but even more important than this is whether I can let go of Nova Scotia as a bucket list goal to be achieved so that I will be able to enjoy the journey along the way.

Unbelonging

I've been listening to The Chronicles of Narnia books on CD as I've been driving back and forth between Prescott, and the story I listened to yesterday was A Horse and His Boy. What I was attending to most was the theme of "unbelonging" that wove itself throughout the different character plots, relating to the feeling, but also searching for some insight into my own journey.

How does a person resolve an experience of unbelonging?

I've been thinking a lot about this feeling, but mostly because I'm sorting through what this "belonging" thing means in its most basic form. I guess what I'm looking for is a way to determine when I actually DO belong.

How does a person know they belong? Is there a different set of feelings or defining criteria if it's a person versus a place? Or is there a similar process involved?

I don't have answers...just questions and curiosities...and absolute certainties that I am going to learn all about belonging as I make my way to the land of my roots.