New Year's Resolutions

Yep, it's that time of the year, again. The season of making inventories of our year to see what worked, what didn't, and what changes we want to make. But even more important than this, it's also the season for every single doomsdayer to crawl out from beneath whatever methodology of crystal ball they use to make predictions about the days (and year) to come.

Why are we so obsessed with knowing what the future holds?

I think it boils down to three inter-related words: Trust, Hope, and Faith. We want to be able to Trust that our future is secure...but we will Hope for the best (perhaps, even preparing for the worst). Yet, in the absence of Trust or even Hope, we continue to move forward based on whatever or wherever we place our Faith...and, yes, every single person has Faith.

Are we hardwired for Faith?

Faith is a word that seems inextricably linked with religion or spiritualism. But I think Faith is much deeper and more prevalent than this. Faith is the unconditional Trust (and Hope) in something. The athiest may have no Faith in any diety, but they are still motivated by Faith. For some, it is Faith in themselves...for others, it is Faith in humanity. But, no matter what the source, every single person's life choices are motivated by their Faith.

And, New Year's Resolutions are absolutely about the renewal of one's Faith.

I think my Faith is changing. I have been living my life having Faith in my "cat-like" qualities of nine lives and always landing on my feet. But I also think that I have (long ago) reached the edge of this Faith's very limited ability to comfort and guide me through a dangerous and rocky terrain.

Let go, and let God...

I don't let go very easily...I never have. But, this inability to let go leaves my spirit cold and damp, ever heavy and exhausted. And I absolutely want to trust in something greater than myself, because I, alone, am incompetent when it comes to reconciling the painful thorns that remain deeply embedded within my spirit.

Transitions in Faith aren't easy...or quick to achieve...or, are they?

Maybe I'm making this harder than it need be...perhaps. Hope is much easier for me, thouh, than Trust.

Faith versus faith.

I have been living life with lower cased faith...that trust and hope in myself and my skills & abilities. But, what I'm looking for now is that Faith with a capital F...that larger than life Trust and Hope that keeps me warm, even when I am unable to light the spirit fires from within.

Yes, that's it...my personal new year's resolution is the search for Faith with a capital F...a Faith that transforms the rest of my life to its perfect plan and purpose for my life.

Dare I Hope to find or achieve this elusive goal? I shall try...I most certainly shall try...

At The Crossroads

I have continued to process this invisible "betting" process, and I realized this morning that I bet differently against other people than I do myself. My bets against others are from a place of certainty, of knowing (based on experience and expectation) what the outcome is going to be, so they tend to be a singlen specific outcome. (e.g., He's going to end up in a diabetic coma out in some random parking lot!

A single, specific outcome....bet made...sure and certain.

But the bets that I make against myself aren't so clean and clear, because they're made based on multiple probable/possible outcomes that roughly fall into three general categories.

P/PO #1: Plan succeeds without a hitch or glitch....i.e., everything works out just fine.

With respect to my trip to Nova Scotia, this equates to the car runs fine, and we have "clear sailing" all the way to Nova Scotia (and back). It's possible. It could happen. And if I focus all of my attention on just this outcome, I am filled with an exuberant sense of adventure that thrills my spirit. This is the best possible outcome, the one that I want, of course...but this isn't the only possible outcome I could bet on.

P/PO #2: Plan succeeds, but minor obstacle needs to be overcome along the way...i.e., Everything eventually works out, but there will be some minor problems along the way.

OK, so the car has minor issues along the way that are easily repairable, but we would still make it to Nova Scotia and back in spite of the minor setbacks. This would be an acceptable outcome, as well...I still succeed, even if it costs me some extra money. But this isn't a big problem, because I've prepared for this contingency.

Ah, yes...always be prepared.

I have learned that I have better chances to succeed when I have planned & prepared for many contingent problems. So, I upgraded the trailer with brakes. I replaced the car's ceramic brake pads with metallic. I've repaired or replaced old car parts as much as possible. I pack the trailer in the most weight efficient way possible. I have AAA roadside assistance. I have insurance on everything. I have prepared for this trip with as much preparation for contingencies as possible, so I am prepared for P/PO #1 and/or #2. But there is always that dreaded third outcome to bet on...

P/PO #3: Plan fails.

Worst case scenario is definitely that the car completely craps out on me, leaving me stranded someplace where I can't get back home....or even worse, someplace dangerous or life threatening. Yep, this is definitely the third outcome to bet on.

Windows close in 1 minute, make your final bets.

I want some kind of insurance policy that guarantees my safety. I want to know ahead of time that I will make it. I want every positive force in the universe to be betting on me to succeed right along with me! I'm not betting against my self, at all.

I want to succeed!

But here's what's so fascinating to me: I may want to place my bet on P/PO #2 (because this is the most likely outcome), but my fear of outcome #3 is what stops me from betting at all. Not because I am betting against my success. No, it's the fear of #3's possibility that stops me from turning the key and heading east.

I guess thoughts aren't the only currency used to place bets against myself.

So, here's the crux of the whole betting issue: Even though I am consciously wanting to place my bet on option #2, this Fear Factor is like a deadly snake whispering in my ear, scaring the spirit of adventure right out of the equation. And a sorrowful journey of anxiety and panic are just way too stressful to consider...and, so, I don't place my bet on ANY of the options.

But, by avoiding the possibility of option #3, I have stopped betting on myself.

I can't stop here. I can't let this be the way this chapter ends. Am I ready to give up and walk away from this part of my journey?

Am I really going to stop betting on my self, at all?

Not Knowing

Something interesting has happened on the otherside of no longer making unconscious bets about people. Well, two things: the first is the awareness that once I have placed my invisible bet on a specific probable outcome, my entire frame of mind aligns itself to support that probability. Since the majority of my "bets" are cynical and jaded in nature, my attitude automatically necessitates the negative synergistic alignment, which generally leaves me feeling surly and sarcastic....which, also does not readily lend itself for a positive mood or happy thoughts about self, or other.

Thoughts are the currency I use to place my bets about people.

The second unexpected finding is that when I intervene in my own thought process to challenge these bets, all of a sudden I am in a place of no longer knowing (or expecting) what the outcome will be, so there is no longer an investment of my frame of mind into the betting outcome. Which, surprisingly, frees up my emotions to be what they are in the moment...which opens up the whole realm of curiosity, which (for me) has the effect of lightening my spirit significantly.

Not knowing helps me to live more fully in the moment that is now.

These insights are quite significant, actually. And, I hope to continue amplifying the positive feelings that are emerging as I become curious about the outcome, rather than already "knowing" what that outcome will be.

There is a therapeutic intervention that is within the list of paradoxical interventions that has been used by Strategic Family Therapists to help break the habit of family members to make negative statements snd predictions. This involves the use of positive predictions, instead....such as, I predict I'm going to be happy all day long...lol.

I meant it when I said, All bets are off!

I have considered using this strategic technique with my current bets on people, but I am finding an odd enjoyment in this place of not knowing, instead...so, I think I will continue with the breaking of my betting habit....because it's working.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

As the fear of my dad's diabetes management fills my mind, I really have been able to stop the internal bets about his health, because the truth is I am not on control of how his body is going to respond to his lifestyle choices. People defy the odds every single day. So, I am learning how to live each day with the not knowing what is going to happen to him. The truth is that every day could be anyone's last day, so I am choosing to support my dad's success, instead.

I already know what's going to happen.

This is a HUGE bet that I make about people all of the time...and it usually involves the requisite accompaniment of rolling eyes. I caught myself today, and stopped the bet before I could cash in my thought currency...lol. And now I am back to feeling enthusiastic about the plans, letting them unfold in whatever way they are going to all on their own.

So...lots of positive change today.

And a last thought about this layer of my life journey. I didn't get here on my own. I really didn't wake up one day with the jaded and cynical colored eyes that shape and inform my interpretation of my life experience. It happened slowly and cumulatively as my brain was laying down it's neural circuitry during those early years of my life.

Understanding one's history isn't blame...it's self awareness.

I ran across a meme today that reminded me of an important truth, because this work that I'm doing is absolutely necessary, even if other people don't understand why I process so much of my journey.

It really is sooo much easier to build up a child, than it is to repair a broken adult.

And, while I understand the sentiment of this statement, I also don't think of myself as broken, because I'm not. My brain did exactly what God programmed my beautiful brain to do...it hardwired what it learned from the landscape of my very chaotic early life and the unfortunate traumatic events that I experienced along the way

My brain responded appropriately to inappropriate circumstances.

So, if the resultant circuitry requires much more effort than what other people need to do in their own lives (or what they think I should do in mine), then I am more than willing to do the hard work of fixing the way my brain is wired..

...because I believe that God thinks I'm worth it...and so do I.

May the Odds...

One side effect of not being able to sleep is the inability to stop the incessant mind chatter. But last night's chatter was a continuation of the question about "who is betting on me to succeed?"

This is not a "small" question. Meaning, I'm not asking a "woe is me, nobody is betting on me to succeed" kind of question. The question, itself, is rhetorical, of course. Because the "big" question is really about who are the collective we betting on to succeed?

Whose reality is it, anyway?

As I drove across town this morning my mind quickly created a list of Reality TV shows that are nothing more than a watered down version of the Hunger Games: American Idol, The Voice, Big Brother, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, Survivor...the list could go on and on and on. And, the only real difference between any of these Reality shows and the Hunger Games is the degree of the elimination...that's it.

We are living the Hunger Games, with entire industries created to promote it.

And we all bet for or against the people in our lives every single day!

Statistics. Odds. Potential. Call it what you want, but this is the betting system our culture uses to make real-life wagers on or about the people in our lives.

I do it, too.

It makes me feel sick to my stomach to own this truth, but I do it too...I bet on people without ever realizing that I've done it! I bet against my dad every time I get scared about the way he manages his diabetes...and this list of all of the ways that I bet against the people in my own world could go on and on, too.

No more predictions of gloom and doom.

From this moment forward, I want to start betting on the success of the people that I love and care about...and that includes my self! I am the WORST offender in the "betting against me" camp. I undermine myself...I minimize my own strengths...and I pathologize my process to such a degree of painful shame that I stop my forward momentum before I ever get started.

I do this...to my self!

I am the one who has internalized the voices betting against me...I have done this to my self!

Well, no longer, because all bets are off!

The Real Hunger Games

I just finished my first reread of  Suzanne Collins' The Hunger Games, and I can't stop thinking about this story (or the powerful characters that drive the plot). There are so many layers to it, that I am certain that I will be processing this book for many months to come.

Tonight's layer is about the role of the mentors.

As I am playing my practice chanter tonight, the all too familiar critical voices start to replay their toxic litany in my brain. Then it hits me how these internalized voices are exactly the same as the way Katniss has integrated Haymitch's character so much into her one psyche, she knew exactly what he was trying to tell her in the arena, even with no direct form of communication.

The voice of Katniss's mentor becomes inseparably synchronized with her own thought process.

Haymitch's voice was inside of Katniss...very much the same way these critical voices are inside of mine. And, more importantly, these critical voices are shaping my actions and responses in the real-life arena in very much the same way that Haymitch's internalized voice shapes Katniss's actions and reactions in the Capitol's Arena.

Why are my mentors so critical of me in my personal Hunger Games?

Katniss believes Haymitch hates her, but she also comes to respect his role (in spite of his critical gruffness). Yet, Haymitch isn't the only internalized voice that influences Katniss, of course...there's also Cinna. However, Cinna's internalized voice serves a completely different role than Haymitch's surly antagonistic voice. Cinna supports Katniss in a positive way, because (if he could) he would bet on her.

Cinna was betting on Katniss to succeed!

I can see very clearly how important it is to have positive and supportive mentors in my life...people who are betting on me to succeed. Do I have these people already and I've simply been overlooking their positive influence? Or do I need to figure out a way to find them?

Who are the people in my life who are betting on me?

It is an eye-opening realization to see just how many people in my life are actually betting on me to fail. Not intentionally...not maliciously...not even with any conscious knowlwdge that they are doing so. But their thoughts and opinions about me are, in effect, a bet against me...a bet that I will fail, a bet that I will disappoint in some way, a bet that I not live up to their expectations of what they think I should be.

The Hunger Games are real...and people are betting against me...not everyone...but they are. I feel it. I feel the truth of this deep and hard, because it is the truth. I'm not just imagining these critical thoughts. I have internalized them and let them shape my actions and reactions, yes, this is true. But these are the very real voices that are betting on me to fail, not to succeed.

Where are the people who are betting on me to succed?

Pacing

A dear friend posted a picture of her nursing school shoes, and a wonderful conversation emerged. Most notable (for me) was the symbolic relationship between the shoes and a person's pace. The shoes themselves have no pace, of course...it's the person inside of the shoes that creates the pace.

My shoes...my pace.

This may be a profound statement, but in reality (for me) this is not always the case, because I feel ever in battle with invisible forces that serve only to make me feel never good enough for failing to keep up with the expected pace.

You should be there, already.

It's me, of course. I am the one who has internalized this long list of shoulds. However, awareness alone is not enough to make this undermining stop.

Number 1 on my list is about my bagpipe progress. You should already be up on your pipes! This shaming force has undermined me so much, I have stopped practicing on the bagpipes themselves. I don't understand this, of course...when I so dearly want to learn to play them....and the not practicing only fuels the undermining even further.

Number 2 has to do with this trip to Nova Scotia, of course. Enough said.

When computer programming goes bad, all we generally have to do is reboot. If that doesn't clear out the glitch, we can erase everything and upload from the beginning. Brains don't work this way, of course...once a glitch is introduced, it takes great effort to rewire the connections to yield more positive outcomes.

Am I even wearing my own shoes?

There is another wise saying about not judging people until after walking a mile in their shoes. This truth implies that the shoes, themselves, hold some kind of inherent truth about a person or their journey. So if I am so easily undermined, I am forced to ask myself, "Whose shoes, then, am I wearing?"

Whose journey is it?

Truth tears burn hard. It matters how our parents send us out to face the world on our own. For me, it feels like whenever I walked my own journey, something bad happened to the parts of my life that meant the most to me. I can logically sort this through a rational lens that clearly shows no causal connection, but that doesn't change the feeling. And, I wonder if I've ever really stopped trying to live my mom's life for her.

I miss her so much. As angry as I was with her when she was alive, I have never really recovered from her loss. The news of her death hit me like a shock wave. I remember sitting in the chair in my COs office wondering what that sound was off in the distance...crying, someone was crying....only to suddenly realize that it was me....I was the person who was crying. My mind had completely blacked out. For how long? I'm not sure. Had I been standing I would have certainly fallen.

Some shockwaves just never seem to pass.

My mom is not to blame for where I am, now, any more than I am to blame for where she is. It's delusional wishful thinking on my part to believe that had I been at home (rather than stationed halfway 'round the world living my own life) I would have been able to save hers.

Bad things do happen when we're off living our own lives.

The shoes I wear have always been my own shoes, of course...even if I allow the thoughts and opinions of others (about how I should walk in them) to influence the way that I feel about myself as I do.

Does it really matter (to ME) how long it takes me to get up onto my pipes? Or how long it takes me to work out all of the related details for my trip to Nova Scotia? If it were just about me, it wouldn't.

There are many days that I actually wish I were marooned alone on a deserted island...with no one else to worry about except for me. It's a telling fantasy about how affected I allow myself to be at the expense of the opinions and expectations of others about me and how I choose to live my life. 

The funny thing is that these opinions & expectations don't really affect the choices that I make...just the way that I feel about myself when I do....which is interesting in a helpful insightful sort of way.

My shoes...my pace...my feelings.

Callus

Sitting here looking at the bottom of my feet, I notice something interesting. Even with the thick callus that has formed, the footprint remains clearly visible. Now, perhaps this isn't a Nobel Prize winning awareness, but it's important, to me, nonetheless, because this tells me that the callus is built up from the inside (i.e., the strength of the callus grows from the inside out).

My strength comes from within.

The other really important part of this awareness is about how the footprint remains clearly visible, no matter how thick the callus is. So, the callus, itself, remains unique to me. 

That which makes me stronger is unique to me.

Also, the callus is unique not only because of the footprintn but, also because the callus, itself, is built according to the unique obstacles that cause pain to my foot's tender flesh.

That which makes me stronger is specifically unique to my journey.

It's always a lovely gift when these amazing insights remind me of a deep and essential truth about who I am. But, it's an even lovelier gift when I can find so much beauty in something as callous as a callus...lol.

We may be able to walk a mile in another's shoes...but, now I can feel the depth of truth that even this is not enough to understand how or why another person walks their journey as they do.

I think I will walk differently today...as I make my way through this part of my journey upon the heels of inner strength that are unique to me, and me alone.

Home

I am all over the place today...literally. One minute I'm buying property here in Kingman...the next I'm packing up car and trailer to hit the road...and the next I'm migrating to Nova Scotia on a live-in caregiver's work visa.

What a crazy making day!

This flipfloppy place is all about home...and I feel absolutely schizophrenic today in this back and forth search for a way to create home (within the constraints of my very meager budget). But the problem is, where? Do I travel around and let the world be my home? Do I buy a piece of property to create the home that I come back to from one travel adventure after another? Or do I choose an ideally suited place and create home there?

How does a gypsy put down roots?

I guess it's called a container garden...a way to both root and travel at the same time...a traveling garden. And I don't even need to ask how to create this, because I've spent the last year doing just that...creating my traveling home that liberates me from a life of dependency upon the temporary use of other people's homes. My traveling home is real and ready to explore the world, so why am I in such a flipfloppy schizophrenic place?

Am I really done with the traveling life before I fully have the chance to experience it?

No, not done...but, definitely still pining for the more traditional ways to create heart and home...like a grieving process for the deeply rooted cultural values that haven't quite caught up with the change that I've been creating this year.

No, definitely not done...just waiting for the right moment to kick start this amazing journey into action....feeling terrified and exhillerated at the same time...