Positive Mental Attitude

I am having a moment of clarity today, clarity that is already helping to bring about some peace and serenity to my life. And that clarity is simply the awareness that Positive Thoughts do not necessarily mean Happy Thoughts!

Positive thoughts are nothing more than thoughts that start with "I can" (rather than "I can't").

It's such a simple awareness, yet separating out the requisite need for a positive thought to be a happy thought frees up all kinds of possibility. Because it means that I may feel unbearably sad/anxious/panicked, but I can still maintain a positive mental attitude. If I find myself in the middle of a dark storm, saying the words I can endure this storm IS creating a positive mental attitude! I may not ever be able to stop or change the storm itself, but thinking I can thoughts is absolutely maintaining a positive mental attitude. . . .it's the I can't thoughts that create the negativity that undermines and sabotages.

Why have I allowed myself to be duped into believing that Positive = Happy?

Last week I had my initial session with a new/different trauma therapist, and we talked a lot about acceptance. It is absolutely unfathomable for me to "accept" the reality of the panic attacks, and this fact seems to be a stuck point. But we also talked about the possibility that the panic attacks (as unproductive as they may be) are nothing more than my brain's way of trying to heal itself. So we reframed the panic attacks as a "healing crisis" rather than a broken and dysfunctional brain, and she suggested that by accepting the panic as something that may never change, I can still change my relationship to it, change the way that I think about the panic attacks.

I can change the relationship I have with the panic attacks, even if I never accept the panic attacks themselves.

Another mantra I have integrated into my daily life is something from the Alanon literature (the "Just for Today..." pamphlet). So when I meld these two ideas, what I end up with is a whole list of positive thoughts that shape and form a positive mental attitude, thoughts that have absolutely NOTHING to do with happy thoughts, or even "feeling" happy at all!

Just for today, I CAN handle/endure the panic and anxiety, even if I can't stop or change it!

What I realize is that there are definitely imbalances and disturbances in the way that my physical world interacts with my mental/emotional world, but this chaotic interaction is not the end all and be all of the equation, because there is a third world that also collides with the other two. . . .the world of my spirit self. . . .and this is the deepest and most enduring truth of who I am.

My physical self is going to one day cease functioning and decay back into earth that has created and nourished my body for all of these long years. And while I may not know what will happen to my mental/emotional self once the physical self has died, I absolutely know that my spirit self will live on with God.

And I'm not saying that everything is fixed by this awareness, but at least I feel that I really can do this. . . .I can get through this day, even in the presence of anxiety and panic. . . .because the panic is all about a positive and life affirming healing crisis in my physical self. And I can choose the thoughts and beliefs that create a positive mental attitude, even if the thoughts themselves are not "happy" thoughts. . . .which then frees up my spirit to find and appreciate the beauty of God that surrounds and embraces me. . . .which is what the purpose of life is all about anyway. . . .

Two Worlds

There are many reasons why people remain silent about the truth of what's real in their lives, but tonight I am grateful for those rare and courageous souls who are brave enough to share their personal truth, in whatever form that may be.

We never know who needs to hear exactly what we need to say. . . .

One of my friends shared a blog of another person, actually, a man who is learning how to deal with a person with Alzheimer's disease. He has come to understand that the person lives in what he calls "Alzheimer's world," while he lives in a world with a completely different reality. He actually takes a step to the left before he responds to the skewed reality so as to remind and reinforce within himself that he is stepping into a different world with a completely different reality than his own.

This is exactly how I feel about the way the PTSD world collides with my own world, a collision that skews and screws with my reality. Only these two worlds exist within myself. . . .so how do I step to the left within my own mind?

I am still trying to integrate how as I sat connected with the biofeedback machine, my physiological parameters were reading "relaxed," all the while I was having a panic attack. And if I hadn't been sitting in front of that machine watching the data myself, I might not even believe it, but it was what it was. My body was having one experience of reality while my mind was experiencing another.

And it's hard enough to try to explain what happens within my own experience, let alone to someone who is outside of the experience completely. The doctors tell me I just need to learn how to relax, but the biofeedback machine actually tells me very clearly that I DO know how to relax, so it's so not a relaxation problem. And a well intentioned friend recently suggested that I focus on positive images when I meditate, as if that were something that I have never done or even thought of doing before.

PTSD is just sooo not about learning how to relax. . . .and it's certainly not about focusing on happy thoughts.

I have seen images of PET scans and SPECT scans from a person having a seizure, a person having a panic attack, and a person having an orgasm. And when these images are laid out side by side, it is virtually impossible to distinguish one from the other (which is just incredibly amazing. . . .and terrifying for me, personally, because I may not have Alzheimer's, but I absolutely feel the frustration of the people around me who don't understand anything about my incredibly high maintenance process as I try to create a functional life with these two different worlds colliding inside of my mind).

I think at this point it's just so much easier to isolate myself off from the rest of the world.

I have actually started to feel like death is no longer the worst thing that could happen to me. . . .and I don't mean that in a suicidal kind of way. . . .just the dark truth spoken out of hopelessness that there will never be life beyond the panic and chronic sleep disturbance that leaves me so completely exhausted and exasperated.

Oh, how I really do wish that I could just step to the left within myself. . . .when the PTSD world collides with my own. . . .