50%

As I eagerly await the arrival of my very first set of bagpipes, there is a lot of information that I still need to sort through and make sense of, because just like a real baby, these bagpipes are going to require a great deal of care and maintenance...and if I don't know what I'm doing, then it's an investment worth nothing.

Yesterday's investigation involved proper humidification of the wood. I could have bought plastic pipes, but I wanted the wood, so I'm researching ways to achieve the optimal 50% humidification. And this morning I awaken with the nagging question, Why do I not invest the same kind of care and maintenance of my body that I am investing in my bagpipes?

High maintenance is what it is, and if I want my pipes to survive this harsh, humidity deficient desert environment, then I will need to wipe and swab no matter how tired I am at the end of the day. So I need to start applying the same dedication to supporting what I need as I am supporting the needs of my bagpipes...because I can always buy another set of bagpipes, but I can't buy a new body.

Walking Alone...

I'm sure I will look back upon where I am now from a future vantage point that offers a fresh perspective and feel grateful for the journey, but there is no gratitude in my heart on this day. This day is just filled by a cold, dark void, and I can't imagine ever feeling the warmth of joy.

I have never felt more alone, ever in my life. There are no hopeful horizons offering false senses of a better tomorrow, only this heavy resignation to the fact that this is my life, whether I like it or chose it, this difficult walk alone has become my life.

It's a choice, of course, because there are ways of walking with others, but the only path where I find integrity with my personal values is to walk alone. Yet even as I write this, I am aware that it's not really a walking alone...but, rather a walking my path with God...and that truth is the only comfort in the dark void.

I don't know why God created me so utterly clear on what a life of integrity with God means...but this is who I am, and not even I can change that truth. And, so I walk alone in this world...yet, at one within myself...finding gratitude that I walk with God...even if there isn't a single other person who understands the journey that is me...