Ripples of Anger

I've been thinking a lot about the role that anger has been playing in my life. Several weeks ago I became aware that I was being sarcastic with a friend because I was angry...but the deeper (and much more important) awareness was that I was angry because I was actually scared.

I get angry when I'm scared.

I shared this awareness with a friend who commented back that she would rather feel angry than scared because anger motivates her to action, whereas she feels immobilized when she's afraid. I could see that growing up I didn't have the luxury of feeling afraid, so I learned very early in life to "step over" the fear and quickly move into the anger that empowered me to take care of situations, no matter how scary they might have actually been for me at the time.

But there is much more to this anger than meets the eye.

Looking back across my life I see my anger outbursts in a whole new light. I remember one particular art class, a drawing class when I was at UCR. We had a model who sat in the middle of the room, but I couldn't get past drawing what my left brain kept telling me the way that I "should" be drawing it, and I became so frustrated that I had to leave class because I had a small melt down in the hallway, a burst of anger that resulted in a torrent of tears, but when that passed, I was able to sit down and draw the still life perfectly. When the instructor looked at my amazing drawing and asked what happened, I told her that I got angry, and she said, "Well, that must be your process."

Who knew how deep that truth actually ran.

So I've been observing my anger these past few weeks, and I am greatly disturbed by what I see.  There are so many different ways that my anger manifests. And I'm not talking about being angry when there's something that "should" make me angry....I'm talking specifically about this protective layer of anger when I'm actually feeling scared or threatened in some way, because I don't just get angry when I'm scared, I also get very sarcastic...or arrogant....or avoidant....and all of this diversion only serves to keep whatever else I'm really feeling safely tucked away, down deep beneath the surface, ever and always outside of my awareness.

My panic attacks are like volcanoes violently erupting from the depths of all of the fear that lies buried far beneath the surface anger!

That's exactly what they are. And I find it very interesting this paradoxical dichotomy of my intrepid self and this person whose life is immobilized by the panic attacks. I think that's exactly what can happen when there is no direct voice for the fear. .  . .the fear will find a way out, even when the mind and mouth can not acknowledge that truth.

Fear will  find a way to speak its truth, even if it has to move mountains of denial.

I also find it interesting to think about the "volcano" genre of dreams that I've had off and on for many years. I used to think that the volcanic lava represented the repressed anger. . . . .lol. But now I understand that the volcano dreams are about all of the FEAR that doesn't ever get acknowledged or expressed, because it gets masked by the anger trying to empower the immobilized self that's really feeling scared and afraid. . . .and so it's forced to erupt in a flow of panic that doesn't just immobilize me, it pushes me to the brink of sanity and complete exhaustion.

I want to know what I'm feeling beneath my anger so that it doesn't have to erupt in an uncontrolled flow of panic.

This isn't going to be easy, because right now I only have the ripples of anger on the surface to serve as a guide to what is really going on. But I'm very glad that I am at least aware of this deflection process that takes place so invisibly, even it's taken nearly 50 years to see it for what it is.

Amazing.

So this isn't going to fix itself quickly or overnight, but I will continue to observe my anger and search for the deeper layers of what I am experiencing beneath the anger, which will at least open up space for me to be more authentic and honest about what's going on, rather than snipping and snapping sarcastically at the people I also care very much about :)

What If

There are many things that cause a person's life to change course and direction, and I don't mean the little twists and turns, I mean the events that cause a radical and life altering change. Today I had a conversation that causes me to think long and hard about how my life would be different, if I haven't had to deal with the dreaded panic attacks all of these long years.

What if I'd never had a panic attack? How would my life be different?

The funny thing about asking deep questions is that very often the answer is not at all what you think it's going to be when asked up at the surface. And when I doodled out a mini life inventory of each life altering point along my journey, the truth is that my life has been much more altered by the cancer, than ever by the panic attacks.

Then why am I so topsy-turveyed by the panic attacks?

Looking at this life map, it's shocking to see that three of the major life jolts in course and cause were motivated by the three different cause-and-effects of each round with cancer. But, once the path was diverged, then life mellows out. The difference with the panic attacks has been that no matter what I do, or where I live, the constant threat of a panic attack affects my quality of life in an every single day way that leaves me feeling jaded, bitter, and exhausted.

The unexpected truth is that it has been much easier to make peace with cancer than with these dreaded panic attacks.

Asking "What if?" can very often cause nothing but grief and heart ache, but there are those rare occasions when the act of asking the question opens up awareness into a whole new way of thinking. And this is one of those times, because there are some really wonderful insights that came from this dive down into my soul today. Like how I have not let the panic attacks stop me from ultimately doing what I want to do. They have clearly made my journey much more difficult and challenging, but I would pretty much have ended up in the same place. . . .doing the same thing. . . .and that (for me) is encouraging news!

I love when my assumptions about my self get turned upside down on their heads.

So I will continue on with this journey of making peace with the panic attacks. I may never love them, but I definitely want to have a different relationship to them. . . . .to coexist in peace with them. . . .even if I can't ever fix them or make them go away. . . . .one day at a time. . . .one day at a time.

Under God

I subbed for a Social Studies class today, and I came across a little blurb about Francis Bellamy, the person who wrote the original Pledge of Allegiance. I have been thinking a LOT about the Pledge of Allegience lately because there is so much controversy flying around Facebook about the two little words, "under God."

Who knew that there could be so much controversy found in just two little words.

When I got home tonight I searched the history of this powerful pledge, and wikipedia has some really great history on the evolution (oh, there's another powerful word) of the Pledge of Allegiance. I think most ironic is the fact that Francis Bellamy was a Christian Socialist. . . .which seems like an oxymoron based on today's standards. . . .but that is for another day's blog.

The two words in question were signed into law by President Eisenhower on Flag Day, June 14, 1954, something that most likely would not happen given the present administration, but that is also a conversation for another day's blog. For today's blog, what I am thinking about is how important it is that these two words never be removed from the Pledge of Allegiance because it is the clearest truth about the order of things. . . .the essential truth that we really should never forget.

One nation, under God. . . . .

I think for some people they interpret this to mean that God somehow blesses our nation, but that's not what it means to me. Our nation IS under God, because God is always above our nation (or any other, for that matter). I've seen other people phrase this as "God's in charge," and that's exactly what it means for our nation to be under God.

Jesus saw the truth of this long before our nation enacted these words into law when he told the people to "Give unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's, and to God what is God's." God does not create money, not then, and not now. God also does not create nations or global economies, as these are things of men, not of God. We "civilized" humans have created nations and the governments that run them, we have created money and the economies upon which they are dependent. But these are not the concerns of God. . . .these are the concerns of mankind, the creator of such trivial things.

What I see is the very dangerous trend  of looking to the President of this nation as a savior of sorts, looking to this one person (man or woman) to fix all of the problems that lay before us and also calm the worry and anxiety, instead of looking to God who is above the nation. So the reminder that our nation is under God helps me to keep things in perspective. . . .with this administration, or any other that might be in temporary charge and control, because God's power really is the only power that's ever in control of anything. . . .

One nation, under God. . . . .what a lovely reminder of what's really important :)