The Road Less Traveled

I love that well-worn Robert Frost poem about two roads diverging in a yellow wood, and how he, as a traveler, had to make a choice as to which road he would take. In the end, he "took the one less traveled by," which, of course, "made all the difference."

Poets are such great painters of life's poignant truth.

I think we all have roads that are more and less traveled within our lives. The well-worn roads become the easy, comfortable, safe choices, or routine habits that create the primary structure of our lives. They're not bad or wrong...they just function differently than the roads that we travel less upon...the scarier roads with harder choices, higher prices, deeper pains, or higher risks for one reason or another....which is precisely why they are the roads we travel less upon.

But I also believe that these less traveled roads are unique to each person, and help to create the beautiful landscape of individual personal growth by challenging each person to step outside of their comfort zone, to trust the journey, and to take risks that they might not otherwise choose in their every day travels.

Yesterday I had to make a seemingly innocuous choice about tune selection for my first piping competition. My instructor recommended the much more difficult tune, even though it was not the tune that I played the best. Or, I could have chosen the well-worn comfortable set of tunes that I could essentially play in my sleep...the decision was ultimately left up to me.

The choice was painfully difficult.

What I learned about my own divergent roads is that the well-worn road that weaves itself so effortlessly through my world is called The Road Less Stressful. This is the road that my PTSD brain has helped to create as the go-to road for managing & controlling the panic and anxiety that wreaks so much havoc in my life. I didn't even realize how much that I choose this road, until I came face to face with how difficult it was to choose my own road less traveled.

The hallmarks of PTSD are avoidance & isolation...oh, and control. And I've spent the last 30 years reordering my world to avoid people, places, and things that generate stress, because the more stress there is, the more anxiety & panic there is. So, I have come to choose The Road Less Stressful as my default was of managing my PTSD symptoms.

The Road Less Stressful is also affectionately known as My Personal Comfort Zone.

But this is precisely why the journey of piping has been so therapeutic for me, because everything I do pushes the envelope of my internal zone of comfort that has become so dysfunctionally small, it threatens to suffocate the life that binds me. Yesterday was not an easy or pleasant day, but I caught a glimpse of how I am actually expanding my comfort zone (and helping to heal my brain) every single time I choose The Road More Stressful.

Yes, that's right...The Road MORE Stressful.

It seems illogical to me how a MORE stressful path could help to heal my brain, but that's what it's been doing...slowly, over time. The choices don't always have to be monumental choices, but understanding the relationship between these two roads...and the wonderful health benefits that are evident when I retrace this crazy piping journey...is helping me to become a better piper (and person). Good grief, I couldn't play my practice chanter for more than 10-15 seconds without having a panic attack (when I first started)...and yesterday I chose to compete with the much more difficult tune to...in public...with a stranger as judge...in a highly chaotic environment...for my very first competition...and I didn't die?

Definitely a better person.

Yep, two roads diverged in a green piping field...I chose the road more stressful...and it has made all the difference...

Ace of Spades

Week 1, card 1; the Ace of Spades. I decided to just work through a suit at a time, rathet than trying to decide symbolic meaning for each. But the funny thing about this card is that when I engraved the card with the it's meaning, it wasn't until many hours later that I realized that the word I had intended to engrave on the card wasn't the word that got engraved.

I intended to engrave "Choice," but the word "Change" was engraved, instead.

At first I was upset, because it felt like the cards were already "ruined." But as I processed the unintended engraving faux pas, it forced me to process the relationship between change and happiness in my life.

Change is such a loaded word, but this card is really all about the Serenity prayer...Grant me the Serenity (one of the many faces of Happiness)...to accept the things I cannot CHANGE...the courage to CHANGE the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference. It's all about change! And the obstacles that I can't accept absolutely create a block to experiencing Happiness.

Change happens.

Change is choice...but it's also very much about the parts of our lives that get changed whether we choose them, or not. But the degree to which I fight the change I can't control absolutely affects my ability to experience true happiness in my daily life...and there is much I can't accept.

I know it's sappy to have this card be all about the completely over used cliché Serenity Prayer, but it works...and it's the perfect first card in my Happiness Deck.

But the hardest part about this card is accepting what I cannot change when an important relationship is involved. I remember another quippy cliché that said something like, "If you don't like something change it...if you can't change it, leave it...and if you can't leave it, accept it." I've never figured out what to do if something is unacceptable...I guess that's what this process is all about with this deck of Happiness Cards...to answer the question of how to live a meaningful life in spite of the unacceptable thorns that embed themselves too deeply within our soul to remove them on our own.

So...Change it is...whether that change happens by intentional choice, invisibly beneath the surface, or by circumstances we may not ever choose or be able to control.

Serenity, Now!!

Well, if I want the Serenity, I guess I have to do the courage and acceptance parts, too...who knew that Happiness was so much work!

Playing The Cards I've Been Dealt

I turned 52 last week, which officially makes this my "deck of cards" birthday. So I bought a deck of cards as a process tool for this coming year...52 cards...52 weeks. It's a lovely deck of cards, with an M medallion, symbolic of my last name, and I am very excited about what this next year holds for me.

So what am I going to process?

I've been thinking about the four basic emotions: Mad, Sad, Glad, and Fear. Every single other emotion can be classed into one of these four categories. But the interesting part of this fact is how there are three basic "negative" emotional states, but there's only one "positive" emotional state.

There's only one positive emotional state!

There are many ways for this fact to be considered, but I believe that happiness is the core emotional state that we are born to experience. Stating this in a different way, in the absence of fear, anger, and sadness, the emotion that exists is happiness in one form or another. I believe that we are created with happiness as the primary emotional state that drives our entire life journey.

But, if we are inherently happiness-driven beings, why are there so many unhappy people?

I don't know the answer to this question, but there is a metaphor that people use to explain their unhappy lives, the metaphor of the crappy hand that they've been dealt, as if the cards themselves are crappy, which means that they must learn how to play their hand with the crappy cards they've been dealt.

What if crappy cards don't really exist?

I'm not defining how anyone else plays their life cards, but I no longer believe in crappy cards OR crappy hands. I believe that we are created inherently and essentially with a full deck of 52 happiness cards, and it's up to each person to decide for themselves how their happiness cards are defined and created.

But what about them pesky jokers?

Yep, the jokers are the problem...lol. There are two of them, and every problem in life is created by one of the two jokers...lol. I call my jokers "Nature" and "Nurture." Every obstacle in my life has been created by one of these two tricksters...lol...and they sure can create a lot of chaos.

I'm done playing with the Jokers.

I no longer want to focus on the Jokers that create roadblocks to playing with and enjoying my deck of Happiness cards. This year is going to be all about the discovery of how my 52 happiness cards are defined...by me...and I don't care what the Jokers think about all of this...lol.

This year is going to be all about the Happiness.

52 cards...52 weeks...52 positive emotional states of happiness that even the Jokers can't destroy.

I think I'm going to very much enjoy playing with this deck of cards...deal me in!

New Address

I've changed my address many times, but today I changed my address in an unexpected way. The property was initially set up backwards, so the front is actually the back and vice versa. Today I turned things right side up and corrected the topsyturvy error by having the address of the property changed to reflect the reality of what is happening with the property (rather than what is "supposed" to be, but isn't). And it's a wonderfully fantastic feeling to know that no one else has ever lived at the property's address...that I will be the very first person who has ever lived at this brand new address.

Now I'm really feeling fancy.

I think what's so lovely about this journey is the parallel process of my life. It isn't just about building my own home, it's about creating my own vision, rather than renting space in someone else's vision.

It's also about forging new pathways, rather than being shuttled from point A to point B in the ruts of out-dated thinking. Everything about my life right now is about creating something that didn't previously exist, and it's scary, but it's liberating in a way that I've never experienced.

I have felt turned upside down, unable to get my bearings for a very long time, so having my property bearings corrected feels pretty great. And where I live may not be the most glamorous part of the world, but it's beautiful in its own way. 

Yep...I am very much falling in love with this weed infested canvas upon which my brave new world is being created and turned right side up.

Feeling Fancy

Something wonderful has happened this week...something that has never happened to me before...something that is so deliciously luxurious it is making me feel fabulously fancy.

I've never felt this fancy in my life.

Last night I sat at a crowded kitchen table with the man who is drafting the plans to my dream home. I sat there saying things like, "I want this..." and "No, I don't want that..." until MY dream was completely jotted down onto what had previously been the unfanciest piece of white paper ever. Yet, there it was, in multi-colored chicken scratch and engineering codes I don't understand, the vision of my very own dream home in its full two dimensional glory.

So, yeah...I'm feeling pretty fancy, today.

I've never owned my own home...ever. So, this is the first time I've ever done anything at all like this. I've created many homes, but always by adapting what already existed from someone else's rented vision, never my own.

I've finally stopped renting other people's vision!

What I'm doing right now is what I imagine all the fancy people get to do with their fancy lives every day. I, myself, have never lived the fancy life, so it doesn't even matter that it's just a tiny little home, because the square footage doesn't change this essentially brilliant and beautiful process of transforming the vision of my mind's eye into the home of my heart's creative dream.

This whole process is just deliciously fancy, and I'm going to enjoy every fancy bit and morsel along the way.

I'm glad I didn't settle for the quick-fix crapped out mobile home, or even the brand new (all boxed up) tiny mobile, because after 52 years of believing that fancy women wear swanky red dresses, it's partucularly lovely to discover that a person can still feel fancy even wearing comfy blue jean cutoffs and a tanky t.

Life After Death

One of the other trees on my property has the same kind of sproutlings as the dead tree stump I wrote about yesterday. But the sproutings are just that...tiny outcroppings that are nothing more than tiny clusters of branches that will never become a whole tree again.

The tree is dead...yet, tiny sprigs of life remain.

That's just the way life is. There are some life events that irretrievably change who we fundamentally are...life events that turn a part of our life progression into a hacked off tree stump. And while that part of our life essentially dies, the life force within remains in tact, allowing tiny sprigs to spring forth from time to time, reminding us that there is still a desire within for the tree to exist, even when the tree, itself, has died.

My mom's death is just like the dead tree stump, but the relationship itself still grows out of that irretrievable loss, just like that cluster of tiny warrior sprigs that refuse to let the essential truth of the tree cease to exist.

I love the beauty in this dichotomy between life and death...and the paradox of how life can still grow out of death and decay.

The tree stump stays...and I will create something lovely and amazing in that space to remind me that life after death does, indeed, exist.

New Growth

Escrow has closed, the deed has been recorded, and I am officially a property owner for the first time in my life. I have been pulling weeds for more than a week while I try wrapping my mind around what I've done...and also how I am going to do what I've set out to do.

The property itself is peaceful and quiet, which is helping a lot, but I still feel like I'm going to explode. I want this to all come together quickly, but that isn't an option for me, so I need to just settle in to the long haul and learn how to breathe through the anxiety.

Just breathe, and trust this process.

This isn't the first time I've had to trust the process when I couldn't see how it would all turn out, (nor is it the most expensive endeavour), but it's definitely the most challenging thing I've ever undertaken.

So I pull weeds while I wrap my mind around what I am doing.

There are a lot of weeds, but there is also a lot of dead stuff that needs to be removed...a couple of small trees that didn't make it through the Arizona heat...the rotting corpse of some poor hapless cat...and a tree stump on the far side of the property. The biggest problem is the tree stump, of course...because there are some fresh sprouts that have miraculously begun their own journey to treehood.

Now what do I do?

What do I do with this new growth fighting to survive?

When I found these warrior sprouts I cried...because I understand these sprouts as if it were my own fight for survival. And I want to encourage their survival, but can these sprouts yield a viable tree? Am I giving them false hope by letting their journey continue unimpeded?

The Opposite Direction

Well, this week has proven to be more than just a bit stressful. I learned that the polyps removed were adenoma tissue, the type of tissue that tends to develop into colon cancer. It's not the worst case scenario, but it's what we hope will not be the case every time we find these highly dangerous sessile polyps. I don't yet know what stage of development these three were, but I'll get a copy of the path report myself when I get back to Arizona.

Time to raise the stakes.

I also had more polyps removed, only these were removed from my small intestine, so I will be holding my breath for the path findings on these jewels of my inner Nile. A person may live fairly well without a colon, but loss of the small intestine ups the ante quickly and quite profoundly.

I can't change my genetic coding...it is what it is...and it predisposes me to the many forms of a cancer I've been outrunning for most of my life. I won't outrun it forever, of course, but there are other battles I am fighting along the way...like keeping my body parts in tact, for one.

I'm not ready to stop outrunning the cancer, but the funny thing is that my response to this is the exact opposite of what I might expect it to be. I would think this would kick my traveling gypsy into high gear, but movement is the last thing I want or need right now.

What I need is to be still.

These past ten years of chaos and constant movement have been all about the loss of my sanctuary of peace...my home. I've tried to create this many different ways, but I've been going about it in the wrong way. I can see that so clearly now.

Cancer has a funny way of clarifying one's vision.

So, home it is. Even if it's found in an imperfect place in imperfect ways, Yes, Tumbleweed is my home, but I need to have a sanctuary of peace where Tumbleweed and I can sit in healing stillness for an indefinite period of now.

Me, Myself, and I

Tomorrow is the official "Day 1" of my water fast, although technically I've already started (since I haven't eaten since lunch). And as I lie here trying to get to sleep...and can't (of course)...I realize that I will need to get used to not being able to sleep while I am fasting...and that's when a very difficult truth made itself known: The only reprieve I get from this seemingly never ending miserable feeling that I endure each day is when I can manage to catch some sleep. And in the absence of any substantial prospect of sleep anytime soon, I don't think I can stand to be with myself for that amount of time.

The beauty of Truth is that it opens up a potential path to Freedom...walking that path always remains a choice.

This is not a sad and pathetic feeling that I just experienced. I actually feel empowered to have finally shed the heavy, dense layers of congested distraction from around me and my life, bit by bit, this past year. Tumbleweed, and all of the sorting and downsizing are just transitory layers of this greater journey to Freedom & Independence.

How can I ever experience true Freedom, if l can't even stand to be around myself?

So, I would say that my spiritual goal for this fast has just been cast...to sit with myself through the long dark nights when sleep evades because I'm suffering at worst, and uncomfortable at best. It won't be easy, of course...but it's OK, because I won't be alone...God is always awake, too.

Freedom & Independence

A friend posted an article about "purpose" that has continued to generate some deep introspection. The article discussed a simple, straight forward way to shed some light onto what our true life purpose is. Three questions...not difficult to answer, but the answer itself may be surprising for some.

Freedom & Independence.

My three answers nuggeted my life purpose down to Freedom & Independence. And it's true. I can look across the span of my entire life through this lens, and it makes perfect sense. Every person has their own purpose, of course...but sometimes our lfe purpose intersects with another's, which is the case with my friend, whose purpose was uncovered to also be Freedom.

Common journeys.

I probably already knew that Freedom was the common thread of spirit that linked us, but it still surprised me that I hadn't figured that out, before. I then wondered how our collective lives could be different if we as a humanity knew what each other' life purpose was, and proactively supported them more intently. But, like most important life lessons, t's not that simple.

Common journey...uncommon path.

It's also nothing new that there are an infinite number of ways to achieve the same goal, and that is most surely true of my friend and me. Freedom may be a common journey, but the path that we each take to manifest this purpose couldn't be more different. Her path inspires me, but aspects of it terrify me, as well. And I am certain that the way that I walk my Freedom path would never be a path of choice for her.

Common journey...divergent paths.

There is another person in my life whose life purpose is also Freedom & Independence. But the problem (for me) is that watching him walk his path doesn't just terrify me, it hyperventilates me. As a diabetic, he flirts with death every single day by eating anything and everything he wants, and I can't watch it any longer. I can accept that he may have the right to die from "death by diet," but that doesn't mean that I am bound by any code of duty or obligation that forces me to participate even as a passive bystander.

This layer of acceptance is not easy, and has not come without great personal struggle. But I just can't watch this man I have loved for nearly all of my life eat himself into a diabetic coma.

I can't. And I won't!

The difference between my friend's path and my dad's is that I can very clearly see how much personal joy her path brings to her world, even though parts of it terrify me. I can't see that with my dad's path...I only see addiction and self ruin. That is his choice, of course...but it is also my choice to be around it (or not). 

Knowing something doesn't make the hard choices any easier.

Freedom is a fickle friend. The price can be high, sometimes with an unbearable loss. Perhaps there are some with a greater sense of compassion than I, who could walk this journey to a dark and dangerous personal freedom with someone they love dearly...but I just can't.

That doesn't mean that I will abandon him, or the relationship I've worked so long and hard to get to a good place....because I can't do that, either. But I will find the path that intersects our common thread in a way that allows me walk with ALL of my heart...because I also want nothing less than this for my dad, too.

For anyone interested in reading the article mentioned in this blog, it can be found at the link below. But, proceed with caution, as the truth may set you free...whether you are prepared for it, or not.

http://m.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2F2015%2F01%2F23%2Fdiscover-your-life-purpose_n_6481866.html%3Fir%3DHealthy%2BLiving%26ncid%3Dfcbklnkushpmg00000030&h=FAQG-Zg1e&enc=AZN48nMtbkKlOKwFjOrWR4HWOwWa5UaM4CjG1txZ4mNV5yd0YcxdRHhl28HRux13mCwMy9kZSzgtT0pWJmGMcHaX   

Legacy

It's either very late, or very early (depending on which day I want to consider as "today," on this yet another sleepless night). Either way, I have been up thinking about my legacy.

What do I want my legacy to be?

I did not have children of my own. But, my bother's oldest boy has a son (the first great grandchild of my mom) born just a few short months ago, and my very pregnant niece has only 10 weeks left in her own pregnancy before her miracle little girl is born. I also have a niece with three delightful children on the east coast that I hope to one day meet. And I have other nieces and nephews who do not yet have children...or, perhaps never will. And, I want very much to be a part of ALL of their their lives (because I love them very much!), but I may have passed from this earth before these little ones are old enough to get to know me for themselves.

What are the stories that my nieces and nephews are going to tell about me when they share the part of our family history that I am writing with my life?

There are moments of clarity...glimpses of deeper truths or some divine inspiration that sparks awareness...and in this moment, I am just so very clear that I absolutely want them to talk about their crazy aunt who played the bagpipes as she traveled around with her crazy cat like a real life gypsy with her Tumbleweed trailer that she built herself ...lol!

What a glorious piece of family history I am going to leave behind!

I want them to know that it's OK to create their life anyway they want to! That it's OK to live outside the box. Or to live inside the traveling box they build for themselves...lol. I want to make it clear that adversity doesn't have to destroy who they are, even if it feels that way every day until it doesn't...and even panic attacks (or a reactive brains) aren't enough to stop them from living the life of their dreams.

I think my life is about to get even more outrageous than it is, already!

Footloose & Pipefancy Free

Well, it looks like my dad's house is going to sell, which is going to change a lot of things for me. And, it looks like I am going to need to make a choice...

Faith, or Fear?

I have found this amazing piping program that is absolutely going to rock my piping world. But, the program is in Riverside...my dad will be in Kingman...and the OT program that has been very helpful for my brain is in Prescott. Clearly, I can't live in all three places...but I could travel, quite easily, between the three.

Is Tortle up for the challenge?

There is a clear loop that would be easily driveable between these three locations, a loop of less than 800 miles each week. I was driving more than this when I was commuting to and from OT from Kingman every week. The other added benefit to southern California is that I have a lot of friends and family who live here, so I could stay better connected, too. Plus, my home VA is here in Socal, the one I have travelled back and forth to each year for my physicals and GI stuff.

I would very much enjoy this migratory loop, but it will quickly add up the miles onto Tortle's tally. So, I will have to get the engine rebuilt when that times comes...and it will.

I have the emergency money in savings to take care of the engine rebuild, but I won't be able to do that AND buy the lot in Kingman...but, that's not the worst outcome possible, I suppose.

Roots are made in more than one way.

Yes, buying the lot and creating a stable home base is one way to create roots. But, being a part of my niece's and nephew's lives (and the lives of the amazing babies they're growing) is also a way to cultivate roots...it's just different. Roots are grown with every relationship we flourish with, so I would still have roots, even while traveling on the road.

Bottom line: Family is very important to me...and, so are my friendships.

So, it looks like Tumbleweed and I are about to get very mobile...for as long as Tortle can hold out. And, when her little engine wears out, then we'll either fix it, or upgrade to a heavier duty and warmer 4 season driving option.

You can do it!

My life is about to explode with amazing bliss...so, let's get this party started!