Public vs. Private Space

My recent focus of attention on the way Facebook uses NON-Facebook-related personal information to sell advertising (i.e., make money off of my personal information about me and my friends) has caused a lot of internal conversation. But, this morning I was able to see a clear distinction between what fundamentally constitutes public versus private.

The bottom line is this: the only absolutely personal information is that which I store within my own mind...the memory that is stored and the thoughts that I think about them. That's it. This is the only 100% guaranteed personal information. Period.

As soon as I have shared this personal information in any form whatsoever external to my mind's thought form, I have moved the personal into a world with public access. I have been running on the faulty assumption that shared information can remain fundamentally personal. It doesn't...because the only information that remains fundamentally personal is that which never leaves the boundaries of my internal thoughts and memories. 

And, the parallel truth to this is the fact that once I have made a choice to release my personal information into the external (i.e., the world of public access), all information is up for negotiation of one form or another.

Shared personal information is tricky business, indeed!

If I write my personal thoughts in a journal, it is personal information, but it is held within a public form that needs to be respected as personal by every other person in the world in order to remain personal. But this does not always happen...diaries are all too often read by people who were never given permission to read them.

The same is true with "private" conversations. I can have what I consider to be an exclusive conversation (or experience) between me and another person, but I have still made this information or experience accessible by the public world, so I must "trust" other people to respect my boundaries of privacy...which is precisely the problem.

Shared information or experiences create multiple guardians of the boundary around the information/experience...and everyone must agree to the same rules of protection in order for information (or  experience) can remain personal.

I am never going to agree with the rules by which social media plays...and they are clearly not playing by my rules.

I no longer believe that information released into the world of public access can be protected as personal....because I live in a world where the boundaries of privacy have exploded to a point that the only safeguards that exist to protect my personal privacy is to NEVER let it leave the terrain of internally stored thoughts and memories. Period.

As nauseating as this fact is, every single word I speak and write becomes publically shared information into the world of public access. Well, fine. Knowing this fact empowers me to make choices more wisely. BUT...this fact does not mean (or can not be reasonably extrapolated to mean) that this "publically shared" information becomes part of the Public Domain!

Social media has taken the liberty of redefing personal information stored in a publically accessible form as public domain...free to be used in whatever way they can make the most money!

Just because I have shared internally private thoughts into the world of public access does not mean that it does not remain personal!

My diary retains its personal rights...my created art retains its personal rights...and, certainly, anything that I store onto my personal storage devices (thumb drives, personal computers/tablets, and smart phones) should also retain its personal rights....yet, social media has completely erased all boundaries around this personal information!

Cogito ergo sum.

I am thinking back to my intro philosophy course, and Descartes' powerful insight...cogito ergo sum...I think, therefore, I am. For René Descates, this truth meant that a person can prove their existence by and through the awareness of their thoughts...powerful stuff, indeed.

But he may have been more right than he ever could have possibly known, because this morning's clarification of the definitive fundamental boundary between public and personal remains one's ability think internally, privately, in solitude and exclusion of every other human being on earth...because this is the only realm where one truly exists in unnegotiated wholeness.

I think, therefore I am whole and completely in control of my personal information and experience.

I don't know what that would look like in Latin...lol...but I do know what it feels like within my being. And I, for one, will become a much better guardian of my own personal information.

Solo vs. Social

I am beginning to see a pattern emerge in my life. It's not a huge epiphany, by any means, but I am surprised by how prevalent it is. The pattern has to do with my anxiety levels when I am by myself, versus when I am with others.

When I am feeling relatively "safe and secure," I prefer to be and do things just with myself...and I tend to feel irritable and "stressed" to be around other people. This is my strongly solitude oriented introvert nature, and this has always been my preference.There have been some wonderdully rare exceptions to this natural tendency, like when I was part of "The Herd" at the Grand Canyon. But, I am an introvert by nature...always have been.

However...the greater the real or perceived threat (or risk of threat) that my brain experiences, the more stressed and anxious I feel when I am alone...and the mere presence of another person (whether I know them, or not) can usually calm down the anxiety to a more manageable level.

When I am anxious, I tend to seek the presence of another person...and, usually in a very panicked frame of mind.

However, as a piper, this paradox is playing out in all kinds of new ways. With piping, I have found great enjoyment to be and play with other pipers, which is just so contrary to my introverted nature. But, I still feel irritable and stressed to be around people, so I have to work out the dissonance that my brain is experiencing.

The other interesting stressor is the invisible (self-imposed) pressure that I feel to play well enough and fast enough to be able to play with other pipers. Meaning, the enjoyment that I experience when I am playing with other pipers is so much greater than the irritability that I feel like a teenager who absolutely can't wait to get my driver's license, or turn 18, or turn 21.

I have never in my life felt so compelled to be with other people.

And the most interesting fact about all of this is how when faced with the very real possibility that my brain may not ever let me play with other pipers, I may be relegated to solo piping only, and I'm not sure that I experience enough joy as a solo piper to warrant how much time and effort learning this beast of an instrument actually takes!

Playing with other pipers is more motivating than playing on my own?

In some ways, I don't quite recognize this new person who is emerging. But when I step back and look at the pattern (with this new information added by my piping experience), I may have tendencies to prefer the solitude of introvertism...but I also have a strong need for social interaction. Yet, my brain has some needs and requirements for a safe environment in order for it to let me relax and enjoy the social interaction that I crave...so it's a balancing act, indeed!

I have some absolutely lovely and wonderdul friendships that I value and cherish, women who accept me as I am, quirks and all. But I am also very much looking forward to having more positive social exchanges with people in general...which is something that I never, ever thought I would say.

Piping has changed my life in more ways than one, and I am honestly very grateful that I feel so compelled to seek out a group of pipers that I can play with, because I don't want to end up as crazy cat lady hermit...lol.

Ah, life is a journey, and what an amazing journey it is!

Ideals

I attended a Flag Day Ceremony today, and what catches in my mind are the symbols and ideals that give form to the nation's flag. It was quite an interesting history of the changes the flag has made through time...beginning before the nation was independent and sovereign.

But what saddens my heart is how the symbols and ideals that formed and created this nation feel empty and meaningless in practice. WWI and WWII veterans...THEY understand the meaning of the ideals, but I do not see this in everyday practice....particularly with the younger generations whose minds have been inculcated with social media before it has been taught to question and make informed choices.

I don't understand why more people aren't upset by the privacy violations of social media (particularly Facebook), or the slow erosions of our civil liberties in the name of "homeland security."

I have been told to lead an exemplary life so that I don't have to worry about what is being monitored. I've been told to not be driven by fear. I've been told that God's in charge, but I can just as emphatically report that God might be In Charge....but God is not in charge of Facebook, that is for certain!

There are so many wonderful aspects of social media that I think people don't understand the moral compass that guides it. Mark Zuckerberg is no paragon of moral virtue. This is a man whose first major social media success was the creation of a website called "Hot or Not." People's photos were posted (without their knowledge or permission), and then people voted if the people were "Hot" or "Not (Hot)." This is the early roots of Facebook, so I am not surprised by the creepy way Facebook lurks through the pieces of my life for a way to make money.

Facebook is NOT my friend.

I recently watched a video about Facebook, where the person uses the metaphor of Facebook as a friend. I love this metaphor, because it clarifies hiw insidious it's invasion is.

If Facebook were a friend, this friend would come into my home (whether I'm there, or not) to search through my stuff. Facebook would go onto my computer and read all of my emails to find any tidbit of information that it could sell to sleezy advertisers. Facebook would go through my personsl address book and retrieve personal information about all of my friends (without their permission, as well) to use in advertisements to make money...me and my friends, of course receive nothing.

If Facebook were a friend, it would use my computer's camera and microphone to listen in on what I am saying, what I'm watching on TV, what I'm listening to...then sell that information, again, to advertisers forbits own monetary gain (never mine).

If Facebook were a friend, it would search through the history of every single website I've visited for information to sell...as well as any other applications that I may be using.

I would never allow this kind of "friend" into my home, but that's exactly what we all do when we align ourselves with Facebook.

Facebook is no one's friend.

Facebook isn't the only problem, of course...but I am just amazed by how complacent the vast majority of people have become about personal rights and civil liberties. We read books like George Orwell's1984, and we say we would never allow that, but we have. And I can't help but wonder what our founding fathers would think about what we as a nation have done to the personal rights and civil liberties that was bought with the blood of many generations of true patriots.

The idealism of our nation is being sold off in tiny bits of personal information to greedy advertisers and corporate control, but the frightening truth is that we have all granted permission for this idealistic erosion to take place each and every time we accept the terms of service agreements by Facebook and other traffickers of human information.

I am not ashamed of my life, and I am certainly not afraid of what these creepy vendors will find when they lurk through the pieces of my life. But I am outraged by the arrogance of people like Mark Zuckerberg (as well as our government) who think they are somehow entitled to do with my life in whatever manner they chooses...regardless of my privacy rights.

I have deleted Facebook applications from my phone, but this is far from the last of my efforts to protect my rights. I suppose if the rest of the world wants to relinquish them, then that is their choice to do so....but it will no longer be mine.

Once relinquished, it is no easy thing to get our personal rights and civil liberties back.

I am an idealistic person, so priciples and symbols of our nation's idealism are important to me. I don't have a good answer yet for this problem...but I am searching for one...so, I will find one....I will absolutely find one.

Reilly

My cousin and his wife have two dogs, and one of them is named "Reilly." He's a spirited little scrapper, but he doesn't "warm up" quickly with new people, and he gets skittish when an unfamiliar person tries to touch his head or neck.

Reilly is who he is, and he had started to accept my presence when I was here last month. But when I returned to my dad's a few days ago, I was amazed by how excited he was to see me...no barking at all, tail wagging, and even jumping up at my leg to encourage AND let me pet his head...I was shocked!

But not all change is meant to last.

Now that I've been here for a few days, his old skittish behavior has kicked back in, and he won't let me go near his head! It's just fascinating to me how a little bit of excitement seemed to help him to momentarily "forget" that he's supposed to be skittish when I tried to pet his head!

What was it about Reilly's excitement to see me that opened up a new set of behaviors for him?

This also makes me wonder about human anxiety. Does a jolt of excitement help the neurotic humans get past whatever fears or anxieties that we have, too?

I am intrigued now...Reilly's behavior has captured my curiosity and attention.

But, don't worry, Reilly...I won't be ringing bells, sticking you with electrodes, or making you cling to wire monkey moms to get your food...lol...but I will be watching you! 

I'll also be watching my own behavior, of course...because I am absolutely fascinated by how a little bit of excitement seemed to apparently change his entire brain chemistry.

Perhaps our behaviors are not as "hard wired" as we thought!

Of Tides and Seasons

When you are a goal-oriented person (as I clearly am...lol), there is a tendency to feel like no progress is being made during "slower" periods of progress. For me, this tendency may be stronger than most, so I am still processing the disappointment I am experiencing to be "here," when the goal was for me to already be "there."

My time management system probably is the most quintessential "me" of anything that I do. I don't just have a goal (and the requisite "To do" list that manages that goal attainment). When something is added to my calendar, it is preceded by this: (-). And when I have completed that task, the vertical line signifying completion ends up looking like this: (+).

Yes, every task that I complete, symbolically turns a "negative" into a "positive."

And, I absolutely love to look back through the previous weeks and months to see all of those little "positives" applauding my effort and motivating me to turn even just one more "negative" into a "positive."

I never said my system was a "healthy" system...lol...but, it's my system, and it works really well for me...up until the point that I can't convert the "negatives" fast enough. And that's when my system breaks down...and all of that negativity begins to build pressure...and the more pressure there is, the more stressed out I feel...but, also the more disappointed I feel, as well.

Yup, every system has its breaking point...lol.

Shakespeare in Love is one of my all-time favorite movies. And, there is this one scene when Collin Ferth's character is trying to get his newly wed wife on to the ship to the Americas (and away from William Shakespeare)...so, he makes this grand statement about how "the tide waits for no man!" (As Viola is making her fast exit out the other side of the carriage and into the theater...lol). Collin Ferth is great...lol.

But, if it is true that the tide waits for no man (which, of course, it is...because Collin Ferth said so...lol), then it is just as true that the summer season in Nova Scotia waits for no woman, her bagpipes, and her crazy traveling cat...lol.

As I sit here at my dad's home staring at a calendar filled will all of these unconverted "negatives" (feeling like I have somehow reneged on the promise I made to my mom to pipe for her on her birthday this year), the only thing that matters is a daughter's deep disappointment...and the uncomforting knowlwdge that even if I made quick repairs and a beeline to Nova Scotia, the summer season would already be nearly over...and the winter storms would be quickly on my heels for the whole trip back to Arizona.

There is not a lot of comfort for me on this day of seasonal truth combined with a broken down time management system filled with unmerciful negatives awaiting their conversion...lol.

Well, it's just a delay...a delay that my mom would absolutely want me to take...a delay that gives me the gift of time with Denny, and a whole new calendar of delicious negatives to turn into positives...lol.

But, I think I need to come up with a better system...one that doesn't leave me feeling so utterly drained and disappointed...or symbolically creating so much "negativity" when they don't get converted fast enough. But, that's what this new open-ended life is all about...creating a new life management system.

As for now, I will trudge on over to the trailer place for some facts and information, because that is one negative that I can turn into enough positive energy to lighten the load of a daughter's disappointment...and, because I know that my mom knows just how much my heart and spirit are working to get up to Nova Scotia to pipe for her.

I'm sorry, Mom...I've done my best to get there. But, I promise that I WILL pipe for you on your birthday. It may be from here in the American Southwest, but the piping will be from my soul, not my geography, so you will hear me even if I am here, and not (yet) there.

Mission Control

I've been thinking about how I make decisions in my life (particularly when there are significant safety issues at stake), and I think the perfect metaphor is NASA's Mission Control.

Mission Control isn't a single person, it's actuallyy an entire community of experts that focus on only one part of the mission. And when everything is coming down to the final decision of "Go" or "No Go," every single expert has to give a "Go," in order for the mission to move forward. Or, another way of saying this is that it only takes ONE "No Go" to cancel the entire mission.

This has really helped me to quell the internal pressure to push on toward my easterly destination...because I have some quite valid reasons for why I have delayed the Nova Scotia mission. But, I am still very aware of the pressure to continue on, regardless of the risks involved.

I wonder if the person who gives a "No Go" for a Shuttle mission feels pressured to give a "Go," simply because everyone has worked so hard to get the mission to that point. Does the person to the left or right shove an elbow in their side (or kick them under the control desk) with an abruptly murmered, "Just give the "Go" already!"

It takes a great deal of personal fortitude to be the person who makes the judgment call to cancel a Shuttle mission. But I also think it takes just as much personal fortitude to cancel a personal mission, as well. Cancel the immediate plan, not scrap the whole mission...delay to make necessary adjustments and repairs.

But this is precisely what I'm doing. The part of me that's "in charge" of safety concerns has delayed the mission, and the part thatvs in charge of financing the mission concurs...lol. Not a permanent kibosh, but I definitely will need some time to get everything researched so that decisions can be made...and then it will take time to implement those decisions once they've been made.

So Mission Control has cooled the jets, and I am relieved that this decision has removed the pressure to trudge on through the concerns, even if my concerns are based in personal anxieties stemming from inexperience and incomplete confidence.

I can make the right judgment call...even when that decision disappoints other parts of me. Disappointment is part of the risk that we take (when such a large mission is at stake).

So, I'm collecting information...and that is still working toward the goal, so I am perfectly content to step back and let this part of me take over for a while, because part of the pool of information to process involves the real-life experience learned since I've been out on the road on what I will call the "shake down" phase.

Mission Control is still in charge...lol...and I have an appointment tomorrow to meet with the trailer people for more information about the brakes, so it's all in motion...including the consequnces of each and every choice made along the way.

I am looking forward to the "Go," but I'm not going to force it...lol