Separation Anxiety

I have continued to think about the doodle I drew yesterday. It was sort of interesting to me how these two tree structures had become enmeshed at the base and at some point alng their growth curve ..or were they enmeshed all along, and somehow they are separating? I'm not sure....it's just a doodle...lol.

But when I look at this doodle in terms of where I am in my life, this doodle is me. I AM separating from the part of me that is encased by a brick building. The growth may have continued up through the roof for that part of me, as a tree's growth has the power to move buildings off of their foundations...but that part cannot move (without cutting off the only growth that exists for that part)...and, so, if I don't separate myaelf, then I remain stuck, unable to move ir breathr freely.

But the tree on the left, she has new growth sprouting from her head...and, she is separating herself from the enmeshed part that keeps her bound up and locked in one place.

There is also "seepage" oozing out from the building, although I don't know what that is, yet...

So, I AM separating from myself...or, parts of me that no longer serve my life purpose. The tree part that remains can continue to grow, of course...but the brick building that encases that part remains strong and viable for now, so I don't know what to do with this separation anxiety that leaves a part of me still imprisoned and upset that I am separating from him. All I know is that if I remain attached and enmeshed to that part of me, I will die...

Process

This morning I realized that I've actually been working on this "sorting and purging" process since I started living on my boat...which was back in 2007? 8? Living on the boat sort of forced the issue, but it has continued slowly ever since...and the project is definitely kicked into high gear.

This process is actually a full-time job, and I am working on this project all day long...every single day. It may move more quickly or slowly, depending on which layer is getting sorted, but the process is what it is, and I couldn't do this any faster than it's getting done...and it IS getting done!

I feel lighter and more liberated each day, and I know that even my car and the tumbleweed trailer will be limiting in their own ways...but, they will absolutely afford me a kind of freedom that I have been dreaming about for years...a dream that I am literally living.

My life is here...my life is now.

I feel so grateful that I have this open-ended time to unpack the congestion. If I had to be working right now (even just one day a week), I would feel completely overwhelmed. But the way my life is structured, I can move at a pace that works, and process the emotional dust and debris that rises to the surface once the congestion is dislodged.

I don't know a single person who wouldn't enjoy stepping off of the merry-go-round (or roller coaster) of their life for some open-ended time for personal needs...so I truly feel blessed that I have the luxury of doing so, for however long I feel the need to do this.

I have earned this long overdue vacation..yes, I most certainly have, indeed!

The Reason

One of those chliché statements that used to really flip my switch was the one that responds to bad things that happen with, "There's a reason why this has happened." This used to be the most condescending of all clichés...that is, until I felt the truth of these words in my own life.

There IS a reason why everything happens!

When a person is killed by a drunk driver, the reason why that happened was because some person chose to drink themselves drunk, then chose to drive their vehicle while drunk. THAT's the reason why the person was killed. For every single event that happens-- good OR bad--there is a cause and effect reason to explain why something actually happened. Every single time...every single event...there IS a reason why something happens.

The cause and effect reason why something happens is objective, logical, and forensically fact-based.

But the cause and effect reason why something happened isn't what people mean when they say "Everything happens for a reason." They mean that there is some deeper purpose, a divine (God plan or Universe intervention) purpose that sheds light on the true reason, and explains the real reason why something happened. Hence, this cliché becomes the spiritual raison d'être to the cause and effect reason for why something happened.

This spiritual reason is completely subjective, belief-based, and open to an infinite number of interpretations, depending upon how each person makes sense of what has happened.

So there is a reason why something happened...an objective cause and effect reason based on facts...but also a subjective spiritual reason based on a person's beliefs that shapes and informs the way the objective facts are interpreted through an individual's meaning-making system.

I am remembering back to a very powerful experience, a night when I was unsuspectingly driving home from Claremont. And as I started up the overpass freeway interchange, there was an "accident" that had just happened. The cause and effect reason for the accident was a man (for whatever reason of his own) jumped onto an innocent random car. The woman driving that car didn't hit the man...he had jumped into her path to cause the collision...he was the reason why his body smashed into her car.

I drove up just after this had happened, so I stopped to help. And just as I was about to put a blanket onto the poor man lying on cold asphalt, the police arrived, so I was able to stay with the woman until the first responders had finished helping the man (so they could, then, attend to her).

The woman knew very clearly the objective fact that this man had jumped onto her car...but the subjective meaning that she chose to ascribe to the deeper reason as to why this had happened to her was that there was a reason why he had chosen her. In her experience, this wasn't a random act of chaos...there was a deeper, spiritual reason why this man had chosen her, and she wasn't going to move beyond this point until she could find the answer to why he had chosen her.

This wasn't the only conclusion to be drawn as explanation for why this had happened to her. But it was the conclusion that her personal meaning making system had chosen...and it was a choice.

So, there is a reason why something happened...an unchangeable reason that we can all agree upon...and there is also a reason that each person chooses for themselves, a reason that creates meaning for the mind, and changes over time as our perspective changes with new experiences that help us to understand from new and mysterious vantage points.

I love the unique ways that each person finds and creates along the way to make personal meaning for the good, the bad, and the ugly that happens to us...it is the Grace that allows us to heal and move past the tragic events that impose themselves onto our unsuspecting life stories...sometimes for random cause and effect reasons...and sometimes for intentions of a dark and twisted plot of another person's story...but always beautiful in the way we thread the pieces together.

A Good Sign!

I could have been sad...I could have been angry with the cat...I could have cried out, "Oh, no!" when I (and, most likely, the neighbor below) was awakened by a crash...two separate crashes, actually...when two boards fell down, knocking one of the symbolic pieces of my Past, Present, Future shrine into broken pieces strewn across the floor! But, instead of crying over the broken pieces, my heart smiled as it was filled with gratitude and appreciation for the 'good sign' that awaken me this morning!

All of my hard work has paid off!

The little statue used to be a multi-headed dragon that sat atop the 'Past' tower, symbollically representing the nasty dragons from past experiences with which I continue to do battle. But, this morning I was informed by the Universe that two of the dragon's heads have been decapitated, and one of its wings has been severed! The dragon beast may not have been killed, but it's been severely hampered with how much trouble it can cause me!

The dragon has lost TWO heads, and can no longer fly!

And, even though the dreaded Dragon of Experience Past still has three nasty heads remaining, this a such a great sign, indeed! So, now...as this disempowered beast sits atop its perch licking its wounds and plotting its next attack, I will only be spurred on by the severed heads and wing like an outnumbered Spartan Warrior crying out, "MOLON LABE!!!" to the oppressive forces seeking to oppress and destroy me!

So, Dragon Past, take heed! Lick your wounds for as long as you need, and look deep and hard at what you have lost this day, for these will not the last heads that you will lose if you continue with your futile attack against my unrelenting spirit!

Molon Labe, indeed!

Gratitudes & Appreciations

February 6, 2014: I feel grateful to be alive. I am grateful for my metronome, and these wonderful piping books that I have. And I'm grateful for how Denise is getting me up onto the bagpipes. And I'm grateful for the VITA people, too...it was great to get taxes completed last night.

February 4, 2014: I am grateful that all of the psychic hard work I've been doing has paid off! I am grateful that the Dragon of Experience Past has lost two heads and a wing! I am grateful to have awakened into a brand new day!

February 3, 2014: I am grateful to have lived through another day...it could have been a whole lot worse! I am grateful that I have the ability to buy this trailer, and create this amazing tumbleweed abode! I am grateful that I was able to sort & purge through mom's stuff with grace. I am grateful that I was able to eat, and Sarra, too! I am grateful for the wonderful depth with which I process my world. I am grateful that the girl is applying for my apartment! I am grateful that I am alive, and moving I this wonderfully exciting life adventure!

Inevitable Resolution

Preparing for this itinerant lifestyle requires quite an extensive sorting and purging process, that is a given. But a parallel process emerging is also a long overdue preparation for my inevitable demise. We're all going to pass on from this earth, but I have not (yet) prepared my life for this inevitability.

I love that word...inevitable...I hear it in my mind with the protracted syntax and voice of Hugo Weaving from The Matrix.

And, when I am finished with this preparation, I will also have wrapped up all of the details of how I would like what's left of my life to be resolved....because a person's life can't be resolved by their own doing.

Death is the ultimate resolution of a person's life.

One of my friends posted a quote by Donald Miller about Jazz...he said he never liked jazz because it didn't resolve...and it took him watching someone who was absolutely in love with the jazz music he was playing before he could find that level of appreciation...and he said God was the same way, there it was difficult to understand God because there was no resolution to God.

As I write about how it will take those who are left after I am gone to fully resolve my life, it makes perfect sense that God is unresolveable...because if it were even possible for God to die, there would be no one (or nothing) remaining to resolve God's life.

God is the ultimate unresolveable life.

I have no idea how to resolve God's life, but I do know that I don't want to leave the tangled mess to resolve the way my mom did. She hadn't made any preparation at all; so, here I am, more than 25 years after her death, and I am still sorting and purging the unresolved pieces of her life....at least the pieces that are my personal burden to resolve for her.

So, onward and upward I climb as I resolve my life down to the essential pieces that create a meaningful life for the remainder of my journey...and a simple inevitability for those who are left behind to resolve the last pieces of my life for me.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

I don't know why I am affected as I am, to read about this tragic end to the lifebof Philip Seymour Hoffman. When I first read the news, I felt like something struck me in the gut...and I've been feeling deep and heavy all day.

How does someone like Philip Seymour Hoffman lose his way?

There are "typical" Hollywood actors who naturally seem to belong in Hollywood, but Philip Seymour Hoffman didn't fit this stereotype, which is what I loved about him. He played roles that other actors couldn't (or wouldn't) take on. But more than this, he just seemed to see Hollywood for what it is, and not get sucked up by its ephemeral chemira-like nature.

I guess I was wrong.

Happiness is so elusive...we think the jewels of fame and fortune will be enough to make us happy, but clearly that is not the case. If he didn't feel "enough" without the drugs, he was never going to feel enough while on them.

I have never been entranced by the lure of drugs, but I am feeling scared, because I am letting go of nearly everything that has any tangible meaning for me personally, paring down my life to the core essence of what I believe will create the freedom for me to experience some kind of release from the parts of my journey that weigh me down...in search of the same essential life happiness that apparently eluded him, as well.

But am I deluding myself the same way Philip Seymour Hoffman deluded himself?

I feel like I am preparing for my death with all of this letting go...and I am symbolically...but what will I do when I reach the end of this journey still feeling cold and empty, jaded and cynical, depressed and disappointed, like something essential is still missing from my world?

As I said, I don't know why the death of a man I have never met would affect me this way...but I sincerely hope that I am able to find the joy that is noticeably missing from my own life...because I don't want my story to end as tragically as the one that ended today.