Belonging

As I drove back from Prescott today (after clearing out my storage unit) I realized that I no longer "belong" any where. I no longer have a land-based home. I no longer have a storage unit (or even the need for one). And while I do understand that Tumbleweed IS my new home, I no longer belong anywhere.

I am a person without a place.

Belonging is a core issue for me...or, more accurately, feeling like I don't belong. It took me a very long time to figure that out...and even longer to understand why...so now it's all about finding a way to resolve this issue one way or another. But I'm not going to figure it out by thinking about it...or even talking about it. So I'm about to dive right into the middle of the cold, dark truth...then swim like hell to find the edge of night.

Yes, indeed...I am about to swim as hard as I can, and hope that I don't drown.

This is my way. When I want to really understand something, I dive into the middle of it so that I can make sense of what is real. In grad school, when I wanted to explore how my hair affected my power as a woman, I shaved my head. When I wanted to understand the meaning of the stuff I owned, I intentionally lived in a house full of unpacked boxes for nearly a year and a half. And now...to understand this issue collectively called "belonging," I have created an existence where I belong nowhere...

And now I am very curious to see where I end up.

It's not easy to be a person without a place, but I am also a person without a person. My sense of belonging died when my mom died, and I haven't found my bearings, yet. I thought my husband would be a place where I belonged, but that was not to be. I've tried to create belonging with the places where I've lived...with the organizations where I've worked or volunteered...with the social organizations I have joined...and with the visions I have worked to create myself, yet here I am...a person without a place or a person.

Where DO I belong?

I intuitively know where I belong...but, the problem is that I don't feel it. Instead, I feel tiny and afraid of the dark. So, onward I go, one step at a time...still searching for the person, place, or thing where I belong...

Big Enough

Last night a new layer to this journey made itself known...because I am nearly completed with the preparation phase. And as I was lying in bed thinking about what I am doing with my life, I started to feel very tiny and very scared, like a baby minnow looking upon the ocean for the first time and  feeling overehelmed by how big this new world is.

There is so much about this change that scares me cold to my core. And as I think about driving off from my dad's in a few days, I am so poignantly aware of how vulnerable I will be. And more than this, what if I grow quickly bored with the lifestyle? What if I can't manage the panic attacks on the road? What if...what if...what if...?

I don't HAVE to do this...I could make a different choice at any moment. I won't, of course....because this is just about the fear of everything that's unknown....but the fear is making me to feel very tiny and very, very vulnerable.

One of my friends posted this meme to my Facebook page this morning...perfect timing...and validation that my dream is big enough, indeed...

Carrot Cake

I've been thinking all weekend about the chasing of carrots and the  overcoming of obstacles as the central themes of my life story, and wanting them to stop. But one of my friend's comments opened up a different perspective from what I've been feeling.

Perhaps the carrots and the obstacles aren't the problem.

Yes, I have always set high ecpectations for myself...and that does make for a more challenging life journey. I make choices that go against the well trod paths, I choose majors based on desire (rather than marketability), I choose classes with the most difficult instructors (rather than avoid them like the masses), and I create a lifestyle that crosses paradigms (which is the most difficult task of all).

This is simply who I am...always has been...always will be.

There is a difference between chasing carrots (that can never be caught) and setting high expectations that will naturally take more time, more effort, and more psychological energy...that is the inherent nature of high expectations...as are the inherent obstacles that make the iourney to achieve these high expectations much more difficult.

I'm a visionary...I envision possibility where others see only dead-ends, always-been-this-ways, and can't-happens.

Yes, I am a visionary, but I am also human, so I absolutely need my visionary friends to remind me from time to time that while I may be exhausted by the carrot du jour with which I am currently engaged in chase, my hands are also full of the impossible carrots that I've already caught...and that needs to be celebrated and honored.

So, today I think I'm ready for some long overdue carrot cake...lol...and I'm off to overcome whatever obstacle my carrot chasing journey delivers today.

The Carrot

There is something fundamentally simple that I am missing...some basic truth about the universe (or possibly myself) that I either didn't learn (or my brain has misplaced), because all I have done is started to chase a different carrot. I have spent my entire life chasing carrots..and I don't want to do it anymore.

Carrots and obstacles to overcome...this has become my life story.

On one level it seems like I am making progress, but my life is still in hold. Only now the obstacle that needs to be mastered (before I can finally start living my life) is this never-ending sorting and the purging project. So I've begun to seriously question why it is that no matter WHAT I'm doing, there is ALWAYS be a "when...then" statement that stands between me and the life I want to be living...and why it is that I so consistently don't want the life that I am actually living.

Here's the bitter pill of my life: the when rarely happens...so, the then never really has a chance to exist.

Sitting here in this moment, I am both at peace and feeling completely overwhelmed at the same time, so I can't help but wonder about the relationship between chaos and calm in my world. Do I need chaos in order to create the "calm" that I have been mistakenly been calling peace?

There is a wall that stands between me and the traveling dream life I crave, and it appears to be this pile of crap that I need to downsize before I can leave...but I am honestly beginning to think that this feeling isn't about the pile of crap, at all. Because I can see very clearly that even when I clear away this obstacle, there will just be another one to replace it...because my process appears to require some kind of insurmountable obstacle to conquer....and (always) as expeditiously as possible.

When did I start creating so many unrealistic expectations for myself?

This truth hurts to look at, because on the flip side of the unrealistic expectation coin is the exhaustion that "forces" the just as expeditious exit...the "I'm outta here!" when my stress level has reached its limit that eventually brings about the messy end to some part of my life (something that I overcame a great many obstacles to achieve, I might add).

And, I'm doing it again...I've already set a target date for departure that is driving the self-inflicted whip to get this phase completed "on time." And I've also just partnered up with the highest grade pipe band in Arizona to "motivate" me to piping greatness...yet, will take me years before I could even begin to make any piping contribution.

Yes, absolutely, I am doing it again...but how do I make it stop?

Catching My Breath

I can't believe how exhausted I feel...

Sitting here with the leaves rustling after another long day's work, I can just relax into the moment. I'm so glad I didn't "camp local" in Prescott...this is so much better for my spirit...to be in a place where I feel safe and suppprted for however long this final preparation takes me.

I have nothing to push me up against arbitrary deadlines, and it feels wonderful. Yes, I still have to empty out the storage unit, but it's all in motion, and will easily get done. The trailer's already here with me, and I am sorting and paring as quickly as I reasonably can.

I knew I've been overstressed, but I had no idea just how stressed I was, until I let go of the burdensome pieces of my life. I literally feel like I can breathe again (for the first time in a very long time)...and I'm finally "allowed" to feel just how exhausted I truly am.

My life is here...my life is now...and I'm quite busy enough just catchimg my breath...

Regrouping

So, today has been an interesting day...

High noon appointment to turn over the apartment...security deposit check is already in the bank...Sarra and I are safe here at my dad's while regroup and get my bearings...and, I still have all of that crap in storage that I need to take care of by the end of the month...

...feeling completely overwhelmed.

I've been pushing so hard to get the trailer done...to get the apartment cleared out...to get the storage cleared out (which still needs to be done). So I just need to catch up with where I am...regroup and get my bearings.

As for tonight, Sarra and I are safe...and the rest will work itself out...

Optimism

Positive Psychology is the outgrowth of Martin Selgiman's theory of Learned Optimism, which is the outgrowth of his Learned Helplessness theory, so I've been reading his book about this learned optimism...it's absolutely fascinating! AND, the #1 most fascinating "fact" about optimism is how an optimistic person (when bad things happen) will blame external factors (other people or circumstances) rather than place the "blame" internally.

Yes, that's right...optimists blame others when bad things happen...lol.

Not in a pathological way, of course. However...given all possible explanations for why an optimist didn't win the lottery, they tend to choose something about luck. However, the second most fascinating fact about optimism is that IF they happen to WIN the lottery, they will then tend to attribute it to something thet THEY have done...lol...such as choosing the right numbers...lol.

Absolutely fascinating!

But the discrimination is in the difference between the notion of "blame" versus "attribute." An optimist will "attribute" causative explanations for why something bad happened to external factors (e.g., "I didn't win the lottery because of bad luck."); but, they don't feel victimized by it, whereas the pessimist could explain the lottery loss In the exact same way, but they feel victimized by it.

Optimists attribute bad things to external causes, but they do not feel victimized by it!

I think the subtle difference is that the optimist accepts the fact that the lottery is a game of chance (i.e., luck), so they don't personalize the "bad luck." Whereas the pessimist personalizes the bad luck as belonging to them (i.e., I am un unlucky person.); hence, they tend to feel victimized by the not winning of the lottery!

This is just absolutely fascinating to me, and I will continue to study this learned optimism, because the key word is learned.

Optimism is learned...which also means that Pessimism is escapeable...lol.

The results of my Pessimost-vs-Optimist questionnaire ranks me as only mildly pessimistic, so it could be a whole lot worse...lol. But, since "authentic happiness" is associated with the optimistic side of life, I want to change the thinking that keeps taking me down Pessimism Lane...lol.

Every single thing that happens in life involves the event itself, and then how we choose to explain the event...which then opens up completely different cabinets of options from which we then choose to react and respond.

As for me, I want new options...but it's a lot of work to find out what's behind Door #3.

Happiness Blocks

I found a meme about Love during my routine Facebook perusal this morning, a wonderful Rumi quote. The quote is about not searching for Love, but rather, removing the obstacles that block and prevent Love. And it struck me how that same thought process absolutely applies to Happiness, as well.

Happiness, like Love, are emotions that are experienced spontaneously all on their own.

This way of thinking about Happiness opens up new windows of possibilities for my journey, but I don't really know what obstacles I have that block and prevent Happiness from bubbling up naturally, just as God intended. So, I will need to meditate on this further, and perhaps sit down and talk with God about how I can first identify (then remove) these obstacles to both Love and Happiness...

...and I'm not sure why, but even the mere thought of this conversation scares me to my core.

Aha! Perhaps I've just identified my first obstacle...lol.

Happy Face

I have been "forced" to deconstruct the construct of "Happiness" by the OT process of Positive Psychology, so I have been observing how happiness moves through my world. And it dawned on me this morning that perhaps I have been a bit deceived by happiness.

Happiness is one sly little devil.

My brain hurts all of the time, a physical pain that is sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how stressed I am by local environmental stressors...but my brain hurts, all of the time. I accept this reality, so my brain can hurt at the same time that I can feel at peace, grateful, and content...but I'm not happy.

I very, very rarely ever feel "happy."

But, this morning I was thinking about how I have been feeling as I create my trailer, how each time I find a creative solution I am filled with an abundance of joyful self-pride that feels really, really good. I feel good about myself because I greatly esteem my creativity strength, so I feel proud of myself, but I would have never called this feeling "happy."

What if I have been wrong about what happiness is supposed to look and feel like?

And that's when it dawned on me that perhaps "happy" isn't so much a distinct feeling in and of itself, but perhaps a collection of positive emotions that when we experience them, they are what make us feel happy. Perhaps there are many different faces of happy, rather than just one "happy face."

I love this way of thinking about happy, because if there are many different faces of happy, then I acually feel happy a lot more often than what I have been realizing, which makes me feel very, very happy, indeed!