I had a dream when I was at my dad's last week. In the dream, I am in the desert with my 8 or 9 year old child, when I look to the west to see the setting sun start to rise very quickly. I know the sun is about to explode, so I move the child into a semi-protected shelter to shield her. I don't see the sun explode, but from where I am standing I watch the blast of yellow particles blow past us. I turn around to embrace the frightened child, and tell her that mommy will do everything she can to protect her, but we both intuitively know that will not be enough. I also try to convey to her young mind how the world may be an unsafe place, but I want her to experience as much love and joy that she can in her childhood, even though I know that her innocence has been shattered along with the sun.
There are many powerful layers to this dream for me, but the part that I am processing right now is about the exploding sun...and asking deep, hard questions about what I choose and allow my life to revolve around...
What has become the sun in my world?
This is not an easy question to answer. Not because I don't know the answer, but because bringing the truth of this answer into the full light of day forces me to acknowledge what I know that I know, but have been avoiding and denying its existence because it is so painful to acknowledge.
The sun in my world has exploded...and the only question that remains is, "What is the sun that will replace it?"
Today is the first day in a very long time that is unencumbered by anything external that needs to be done...a day where I am free to do anything that I want...but, therein lies the problem. I have allowed the needs of other people to serve as my sun around which the rest of my life has revolved, so having a day that's all about me leaves me feeling sort of numb and flaggelating psychologically.
My sun...my needs...my passions.
To write this truth makes me feel narcissistic and self-centered, but the simple fact is that if I continue to put my needs second, I will cease to exist...metaphorically AND literally. Yet, I also believe that a life of self-centered needs is not the answer, either.
My Sun. . .my spiritual needs. . .my spiritual passions.
THIS Sun puts God at the center of my world, rightfully so...but, it is so much easier (for me) to put other people's needs before my own, yet, I don't know why. And every single time I try to readjust the balance, the guilt from a painfully deep place rises up to push myself aside, again.
So today is a day in search of the Sun in my own world...the unconditional source of never ending warmth that nurtures and feeds my spirit. I hope I can find it...
