Am I There, Yet?

I don't know why some life lessons need to be learned over and over, but it is what it is. Tonight I am reminded (again) that I am trying to "force" myself to be somewhere I am not...and I don't mean geographically...I am talking about my piping.

What I have finally realized is that I am trying to be a band piper, when I haven't even mastered being a solo piper...which leaves me feeling chronically frustrated and disappointed with my piping ability... because i can't play fast enough to play with other pipers...when I should just be relaxing and enjoying all of the solo piping journey.

How do I learn how to live in the moment?

Such an important lesson...yet the simplicity of its truth continues to elude me.

Pros & Cons

There is something wonderful that happens when we talk about what's gnawing at us beneath the surface (and, no, I'm not talking about fleas or gnats or bedbugs...lol). I'm talking about that vague feeling that something's off kilter in our psyche, but it's not yet clear what that something is. And the simple act of talking can bring that vague invisible feeling right up to the surface to look at in the full light of day.

A conversation with a friend last night has caused some deep retrospection about pieces of my life that are incongruent with one another. My friend suggested that I make a list of "pros and cons," but this tool is really most valuable when there is a clear and specific issue at hand...and that is not the case with my situation, as there are many different issues that weave through each other. So, instead of "Pro v. Con," I made a list that compares "The life that I have" versus "The life that I want."

Two important insights emerged. The life that I have is (for the most part) already the life that I want, so I have already made the major life changes. The biggest glitch in the plan, however, is this pervasive fear of "what if something happens and I can't get help?" But there is also another important insight that emerged.

My current life plan isn't a viable plan...and the plan needs to be changed.

But one part of the plan that isn't going to change any time soon is the central piece around which everything else in my life is ordered. We all have it...the single most important part of our life around which every other decision is made. For many, this is family. For others, it's work. For some, it's their personal passion. For me, it's been about doing what I want with my free and unencumbered life...but this focus is changing to what best supports my brain's healing.

For nearly 30 years I have been forcing my brain to deal with every other decision that I made, regardless of how much the stress of these decisions was hurting and harming my PTSD brain. I didn't know that I had PTSD...I was told by well-intended doctors that I had an anxiety disorder, and needed to learn how to relax and think positive thoughts. But, the changes that I've made since my brain's struggle has been correctly diagnosed have absolutely helped my brain to heal...especially the decisions that I've made this past six months. So, maybe every single piece of my life isn't exactly where or what I might like it to be, the progress I've made is well worth the crap I have let go of along the way...which includes plans that no longer work.

What I'm doing right now is working to support my brain's healing. And I'm not going to force my brain to process a bunch of arbitrary stress just because it's "the plan." Not any more, because in the exact same way that a diabetic needs to change an entire lifetime's habits in lifestyle once the diagnosis of diabetes is made, so, too, does the person whose brain is correctly diagnosed with PTSD.

Stress is to PTSD, as glucose is to diabetes.

I can look at the diabetic in my life and be angry with him for eating brownies for breakfast or defiantly guzzling a HUGE glass of orange juice...but I am doing the same thing every single time I make a decision that forces my brain to process more stress and anxiety than it can handle. Stress & anxiety for my PTSD brain is exactly like sugars for the diabetic. Wow...powerful truth.

Well, I have a lot of work ahead of me, but right now that work entails a revisioning of "The Plan." And, accepting the reality of what my brain can and can't process right now is the central core factor around which the plan will ned to be developed. The hope is that my brain will heal well enough to be able to process stress more efficirntly, because life IS stressful...lol...even under the best of circumstances. But forcing my brain to process what it's just not able to process is no different than the diabetic who eats whatever he wants, then forces his body to process the overload of sugars with more and more insulin.

I refuse to use psychological Iinsulin to force my brain to process the stress created by lifestyle choices that I make.

So, I have a choice...I can order my life plan around doing what I want, no matter how stressed my brain might get....OR, I can order my life plan around what will best support my brain's health and healing, even if that means putting some things on hold that I want to do.

Reality can be a real pain in the ass sometimes...lol...and PTSD is definitely a reality that bites pretty hard, indeed. But this truth finally clarifies the Pro v. Con list that I need to make...the pros and cons of a life plan that best supports my brain's healing.

Yup...that's the list, indeed!

Free Will

I have had several experiences recently to observe "free will" in motion, and I have come to believe that how Free Will has been defined no longer fits with what I have observed. Free Will is generally accepted to mean our God given right to make choices for ourselves, but I don't think that is what Free Will means, at all...or was ever intended to mean.

The ability to make choices for ourselves is called Self Will...and has nothing whatsoever to do with Free Will.

The person who refused medical treatment after passing out from heat exhaustion (possibly heat stroke) was exercising Self Will. And, even more profoundly, the diabetic who uses insulin in such a way that he continues to eat whatever and anything he wants because he doesn't want to give up the foods that brought on the diabetes in the first place is also exercising Self Will.

Both of these men were making choices for themselves, but the choices were contrary to anything positive or life supporting. I don't know the first man well enough to understand the deeper motivation, although I do know that he is stubborn to a fault (which seems like an addiction to one's pride or self image). But I do know that the second man is emotionally addicted to the foods that are going to pug him into a diabetic coma (and eventually kill him).

How can any choice that is made to satisfy self-pride or to feed an addiction be considered free will?

It seems to me that choices made to feed any form of addiction is a will that is actually in bondage, a slave to the addiction...and there is nothing free about a will that makes choices out of fear or that support a slave master's agenda.

Self Will is making decisions based on what we want because the self image or addiction coerces us to make that choice. Free Will is a will that is free...and that has nothing at all to do with the convoluted way this concept has been contorted.

I think that a will that is free is a will that is aligned with God's Will. I used to feel confined by this notion, but now I understand that God's Will for me is nothing more than the life purpose encoded in my DNA, and woven through my spirit...so why would I want to make any other choice than what will support this amazing gift of life that I have been blessed to receive?

Freedom is the quintessential struggle of human civilizations throughout the entirety of human history....freedom of mind...freedom of spirit...and, yes, even freedom of choice. But just because we may have the freedom to make a choice, does that, then, mean that any and all choices are equally valid and OK to make?

Each of us must answer this question for ourselves, of course...but I no longer want my will to be a slave (particularly to my fear of what other people think and say about me behind my back). I want a free will, a will that is free to make the best choices possible to suppprt my spirit's purpose on this earth...to align as completely as possible with God's will for me.

I do not think this will be an easy path to walk...but I am going to walk it anyway...

Snopes

I am generally careful about information that I share, but I reshared something a few weeks back that prompted a (very grateful) "Snopes.com" alert message from a friend. I am ready to adopt a "no share policy with anything I find in Facebool...lol...but an even deeper problem has evolved, because in this ever-evolving technological world,  I don't know if credible information sources exist, at all...but, even more problematic thsn this is, how did Snopes.com become the "go-to" place for the fact-checking truth?

I did some snooping on Snopes, and what I found (if I can trust the source that dropped the low-down snoops on Snopes) is that it was started by a husband and wife who donned the Fact-Checking super cape all on their own. But what I found most interesting is that this husband used to be a great big online spoofer himself...lol...yet, now he and his wife are the go-to source for all truth and Facebook facts?

Snopes isn't the only place for facts to be checked, as my conservative friends who believe Snopes to be left-wing biased have educated me on the real fact-checking source of truth. I can never remember the name of these other sites, so I guess that makes me a left-winging truth seeker...lol.

After researching Snopes.com, I honestly don't care how many awards they've won for their myth busting sleuth and truth work...it's a problem for me that our culture has turned this online spoofing husband and his wife into the end-all and be-all of fact-checking gurus!

Which leads me back to the fundamental problem of not knowing how to trust the information that invisibly  bombards my mind every single day....both inside and outside of Facebook!

I don't have any good solutions at this point, just the awareness of how fragile the credibility of truth and information is these days.

Inspiration

I think for most people, when we think of the word "inspiration," warm and fuzzy images and feelings come to mind...the "positive" sources of inspiration. But I have just had an epiphany about inspiration, one that helps me to see that any experience (positive or negative) can serve as a source of inspiration.

Yes, even negative life experiences can inspire.

This may seem like a no-brainer stating of the obvious, but (for me) it changes everything. Because when I get the wind kicked out of me (metaphorically speaking), I tend to gasp for air for a very long, long time...when I should actually be looking for how to breathe again...meaning, how to be inspired.

Looking for the inspiration from experiences that kick the wind out of me transforms the emotional experience immediately.

As I look back over the course of my life through this new lens, it is like looking at a completely different terrain. I can see clearly how choices that I made were inspired by both positive and negative experiences. I don't feel grateful at all for the difficult journey, but I think that's what's so enlivening about this epiphany. I don't ever need to feel grateful for a given experience...but I can acknowledge that it absolutely inspired me to make certain choices about me and my life.

Why is it that I have been invisibly taught that inspiration arises only from the warm and fuzzy experiences in life?

The most recent emergence of inspiration involves the non-profit piping society I created last year. The creation of which (in and of itself) was inspired by the personally devastating collapse of the pipe band that I had first began to learn how to play the bagpipes. But my decision to move forward with the piping society (rather than dissolving) by adding the promotion of awareness of how bagpiping can be used as music therapy for Veterans eith PTSD is directly inspired by several "negative" experiences I've had this past year. Had I not experienced them, I would not ever have been inspired to change the direction of the piping society's mission. And, I never have to feel grateful for the painful life experiences, either!

Inspiration versus Gratitude.

The new wave of Positive Psychology is centered and focused on gratitude. A daily gratitude journal is part of the program as a way of training the brain to look for gratitude. The problem (for me) is that I am never going to feel grateful for something crappy happening to me, ever. So tying to "force" my brain to find the crumbs of gratitude along the path of doom and destruction quite honestly feels obnoxious and abusive to my spirit.

The bottom line truth is that I DON'T feel grateful when bad things happen...and i'm not ever going to...but these bad things can still inspire me to make adjustments and corrections to my life direction.

This epiphany occurred when I found a Facebook meme about how if a person is in my life, that's because they inspire me in some way. And my very first internal response was, "Well, then I need to clean house, because there's a whole lot of people who don't inspire me, at all!" And, that's when the epiphany transformed the way that I think (and feel) about inspiration.

I can be inspired by an experience, even when I am in great personal pain! Inspiration is nothing more than breathing...breathing through the pain...breathing through the hard truth and acceptance of what is...and breathing in new possibilities while exhaling the toxic byproducts of what is no longer useful for the body, mind, and spirit.

Inspiration is the way we stay alive.

So now I am looking for the inspiration in all of my experiences (especially the ones that feel hurtful and difficult), and I am already starting to breathe life back into my journey...without feeling bad or guilty about my inability to feel gratitude for the crappy things that people do to one another. 

And I don't know why, but this new way of thinking about inspiration has allowed me to begin to feel more joy about what I am doing in my life, even when I am certain that the people around me will remain publicly critical and undermining my efforts behind the scenes...I no longer care about what they do...because all of their crappy negativity is what is inspiring me to personal greatness...lol.

I am not ever going to feel grateful for the crappy things that happen...but I do feel grateful that I can still be inspired by even the most challenging of life's lessons imposed upon my journey...so, breathe on...beeathe on, Iindeed!