Me, Myself, and I

Tomorrow is the official "Day 1" of my water fast, although technically I've already started (since I haven't eaten since lunch). And as I lie here trying to get to sleep...and can't (of course)...I realize that I will need to get used to not being able to sleep while I am fasting...and that's when a very difficult truth made itself known: The only reprieve I get from this seemingly never ending miserable feeling that I endure each day is when I can manage to catch some sleep. And in the absence of any substantial prospect of sleep anytime soon, I don't think I can stand to be with myself for that amount of time.

The beauty of Truth is that it opens up a potential path to Freedom...walking that path always remains a choice.

This is not a sad and pathetic feeling that I just experienced. I actually feel empowered to have finally shed the heavy, dense layers of congested distraction from around me and my life, bit by bit, this past year. Tumbleweed, and all of the sorting and downsizing are just transitory layers of this greater journey to Freedom & Independence.

How can I ever experience true Freedom, if l can't even stand to be around myself?

So, I would say that my spiritual goal for this fast has just been cast...to sit with myself through the long dark nights when sleep evades because I'm suffering at worst, and uncomfortable at best. It won't be easy, of course...but it's OK, because I won't be alone...God is always awake, too.

Freedom & Independence

A friend posted an article about "purpose" that has continued to generate some deep introspection. The article discussed a simple, straight forward way to shed some light onto what our true life purpose is. Three questions...not difficult to answer, but the answer itself may be surprising for some.

Freedom & Independence.

My three answers nuggeted my life purpose down to Freedom & Independence. And it's true. I can look across the span of my entire life through this lens, and it makes perfect sense. Every person has their own purpose, of course...but sometimes our lfe purpose intersects with another's, which is the case with my friend, whose purpose was uncovered to also be Freedom.

Common journeys.

I probably already knew that Freedom was the common thread of spirit that linked us, but it still surprised me that I hadn't figured that out, before. I then wondered how our collective lives could be different if we as a humanity knew what each other' life purpose was, and proactively supported them more intently. But, like most important life lessons, t's not that simple.

Common journey...uncommon path.

It's also nothing new that there are an infinite number of ways to achieve the same goal, and that is most surely true of my friend and me. Freedom may be a common journey, but the path that we each take to manifest this purpose couldn't be more different. Her path inspires me, but aspects of it terrify me, as well. And I am certain that the way that I walk my Freedom path would never be a path of choice for her.

Common journey...divergent paths.

There is another person in my life whose life purpose is also Freedom & Independence. But the problem (for me) is that watching him walk his path doesn't just terrify me, it hyperventilates me. As a diabetic, he flirts with death every single day by eating anything and everything he wants, and I can't watch it any longer. I can accept that he may have the right to die from "death by diet," but that doesn't mean that I am bound by any code of duty or obligation that forces me to participate even as a passive bystander.

This layer of acceptance is not easy, and has not come without great personal struggle. But I just can't watch this man I have loved for nearly all of my life eat himself into a diabetic coma.

I can't. And I won't!

The difference between my friend's path and my dad's is that I can very clearly see how much personal joy her path brings to her world, even though parts of it terrify me. I can't see that with my dad's path...I only see addiction and self ruin. That is his choice, of course...but it is also my choice to be around it (or not). 

Knowing something doesn't make the hard choices any easier.

Freedom is a fickle friend. The price can be high, sometimes with an unbearable loss. Perhaps there are some with a greater sense of compassion than I, who could walk this journey to a dark and dangerous personal freedom with someone they love dearly...but I just can't.

That doesn't mean that I will abandon him, or the relationship I've worked so long and hard to get to a good place....because I can't do that, either. But I will find the path that intersects our common thread in a way that allows me walk with ALL of my heart...because I also want nothing less than this for my dad, too.

For anyone interested in reading the article mentioned in this blog, it can be found at the link below. But, proceed with caution, as the truth may set you free...whether you are prepared for it, or not.

http://m.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2F2015%2F01%2F23%2Fdiscover-your-life-purpose_n_6481866.html%3Fir%3DHealthy%2BLiving%26ncid%3Dfcbklnkushpmg00000030&h=FAQG-Zg1e&enc=AZN48nMtbkKlOKwFjOrWR4HWOwWa5UaM4CjG1txZ4mNV5yd0YcxdRHhl28HRux13mCwMy9kZSzgtT0pWJmGMcHaX   

Legacy

It's either very late, or very early (depending on which day I want to consider as "today," on this yet another sleepless night). Either way, I have been up thinking about my legacy.

What do I want my legacy to be?

I did not have children of my own. But, my bother's oldest boy has a son (the first great grandchild of my mom) born just a few short months ago, and my very pregnant niece has only 10 weeks left in her own pregnancy before her miracle little girl is born. I also have a niece with three delightful children on the east coast that I hope to one day meet. And I have other nieces and nephews who do not yet have children...or, perhaps never will. And, I want very much to be a part of ALL of their their lives (because I love them very much!), but I may have passed from this earth before these little ones are old enough to get to know me for themselves.

What are the stories that my nieces and nephews are going to tell about me when they share the part of our family history that I am writing with my life?

There are moments of clarity...glimpses of deeper truths or some divine inspiration that sparks awareness...and in this moment, I am just so very clear that I absolutely want them to talk about their crazy aunt who played the bagpipes as she traveled around with her crazy cat like a real life gypsy with her Tumbleweed trailer that she built herself ...lol!

What a glorious piece of family history I am going to leave behind!

I want them to know that it's OK to create their life anyway they want to! That it's OK to live outside the box. Or to live inside the traveling box they build for themselves...lol. I want to make it clear that adversity doesn't have to destroy who they are, even if it feels that way every day until it doesn't...and even panic attacks (or a reactive brains) aren't enough to stop them from living the life of their dreams.

I think my life is about to get even more outrageous than it is, already!

Footloose & Pipefancy Free

Well, it looks like my dad's house is going to sell, which is going to change a lot of things for me. And, it looks like I am going to need to make a choice...

Faith, or Fear?

I have found this amazing piping program that is absolutely going to rock my piping world. But, the program is in Riverside...my dad will be in Kingman...and the OT program that has been very helpful for my brain is in Prescott. Clearly, I can't live in all three places...but I could travel, quite easily, between the three.

Is Tortle up for the challenge?

There is a clear loop that would be easily driveable between these three locations, a loop of less than 800 miles each week. I was driving more than this when I was commuting to and from OT from Kingman every week. The other added benefit to southern California is that I have a lot of friends and family who live here, so I could stay better connected, too. Plus, my home VA is here in Socal, the one I have travelled back and forth to each year for my physicals and GI stuff.

I would very much enjoy this migratory loop, but it will quickly add up the miles onto Tortle's tally. So, I will have to get the engine rebuilt when that times comes...and it will.

I have the emergency money in savings to take care of the engine rebuild, but I won't be able to do that AND buy the lot in Kingman...but, that's not the worst outcome possible, I suppose.

Roots are made in more than one way.

Yes, buying the lot and creating a stable home base is one way to create roots. But, being a part of my niece's and nephew's lives (and the lives of the amazing babies they're growing) is also a way to cultivate roots...it's just different. Roots are grown with every relationship we flourish with, so I would still have roots, even while traveling on the road.

Bottom line: Family is very important to me...and, so are my friendships.

So, it looks like Tumbleweed and I are about to get very mobile...for as long as Tortle can hold out. And, when her little engine wears out, then we'll either fix it, or upgrade to a heavier duty and warmer 4 season driving option.

You can do it!

My life is about to explode with amazing bliss...so, let's get this party started!