Solo vs. Social

I am beginning to see a pattern emerge in my life. It's not a huge epiphany, by any means, but I am surprised by how prevalent it is. The pattern has to do with my anxiety levels when I am by myself, versus when I am with others.

When I am feeling relatively "safe and secure," I prefer to be and do things just with myself...and I tend to feel irritable and "stressed" to be around other people. This is my strongly solitude oriented introvert nature, and this has always been my preference.There have been some wonderdully rare exceptions to this natural tendency, like when I was part of "The Herd" at the Grand Canyon. But, I am an introvert by nature...always have been.

However...the greater the real or perceived threat (or risk of threat) that my brain experiences, the more stressed and anxious I feel when I am alone...and the mere presence of another person (whether I know them, or not) can usually calm down the anxiety to a more manageable level.

When I am anxious, I tend to seek the presence of another person...and, usually in a very panicked frame of mind.

However, as a piper, this paradox is playing out in all kinds of new ways. With piping, I have found great enjoyment to be and play with other pipers, which is just so contrary to my introverted nature. But, I still feel irritable and stressed to be around people, so I have to work out the dissonance that my brain is experiencing.

The other interesting stressor is the invisible (self-imposed) pressure that I feel to play well enough and fast enough to be able to play with other pipers. Meaning, the enjoyment that I experience when I am playing with other pipers is so much greater than the irritability that I feel like a teenager who absolutely can't wait to get my driver's license, or turn 18, or turn 21.

I have never in my life felt so compelled to be with other people.

And the most interesting fact about all of this is how when faced with the very real possibility that my brain may not ever let me play with other pipers, I may be relegated to solo piping only, and I'm not sure that I experience enough joy as a solo piper to warrant how much time and effort learning this beast of an instrument actually takes!

Playing with other pipers is more motivating than playing on my own?

In some ways, I don't quite recognize this new person who is emerging. But when I step back and look at the pattern (with this new information added by my piping experience), I may have tendencies to prefer the solitude of introvertism...but I also have a strong need for social interaction. Yet, my brain has some needs and requirements for a safe environment in order for it to let me relax and enjoy the social interaction that I crave...so it's a balancing act, indeed!

I have some absolutely lovely and wonderdul friendships that I value and cherish, women who accept me as I am, quirks and all. But I am also very much looking forward to having more positive social exchanges with people in general...which is something that I never, ever thought I would say.

Piping has changed my life in more ways than one, and I am honestly very grateful that I feel so compelled to seek out a group of pipers that I can play with, because I don't want to end up as crazy cat lady hermit...lol.

Ah, life is a journey, and what an amazing journey it is!

Ideals

I attended a Flag Day Ceremony today, and what catches in my mind are the symbols and ideals that give form to the nation's flag. It was quite an interesting history of the changes the flag has made through time...beginning before the nation was independent and sovereign.

But what saddens my heart is how the symbols and ideals that formed and created this nation feel empty and meaningless in practice. WWI and WWII veterans...THEY understand the meaning of the ideals, but I do not see this in everyday practice....particularly with the younger generations whose minds have been inculcated with social media before it has been taught to question and make informed choices.

I don't understand why more people aren't upset by the privacy violations of social media (particularly Facebook), or the slow erosions of our civil liberties in the name of "homeland security."

I have been told to lead an exemplary life so that I don't have to worry about what is being monitored. I've been told to not be driven by fear. I've been told that God's in charge, but I can just as emphatically report that God might be In Charge....but God is not in charge of Facebook, that is for certain!

There are so many wonderful aspects of social media that I think people don't understand the moral compass that guides it. Mark Zuckerberg is no paragon of moral virtue. This is a man whose first major social media success was the creation of a website called "Hot or Not." People's photos were posted (without their knowledge or permission), and then people voted if the people were "Hot" or "Not (Hot)." This is the early roots of Facebook, so I am not surprised by the creepy way Facebook lurks through the pieces of my life for a way to make money.

Facebook is NOT my friend.

I recently watched a video about Facebook, where the person uses the metaphor of Facebook as a friend. I love this metaphor, because it clarifies hiw insidious it's invasion is.

If Facebook were a friend, this friend would come into my home (whether I'm there, or not) to search through my stuff. Facebook would go onto my computer and read all of my emails to find any tidbit of information that it could sell to sleezy advertisers. Facebook would go through my personsl address book and retrieve personal information about all of my friends (without their permission, as well) to use in advertisements to make money...me and my friends, of course receive nothing.

If Facebook were a friend, it would use my computer's camera and microphone to listen in on what I am saying, what I'm watching on TV, what I'm listening to...then sell that information, again, to advertisers forbits own monetary gain (never mine).

If Facebook were a friend, it would search through the history of every single website I've visited for information to sell...as well as any other applications that I may be using.

I would never allow this kind of "friend" into my home, but that's exactly what we all do when we align ourselves with Facebook.

Facebook is no one's friend.

Facebook isn't the only problem, of course...but I am just amazed by how complacent the vast majority of people have become about personal rights and civil liberties. We read books like George Orwell's1984, and we say we would never allow that, but we have. And I can't help but wonder what our founding fathers would think about what we as a nation have done to the personal rights and civil liberties that was bought with the blood of many generations of true patriots.

The idealism of our nation is being sold off in tiny bits of personal information to greedy advertisers and corporate control, but the frightening truth is that we have all granted permission for this idealistic erosion to take place each and every time we accept the terms of service agreements by Facebook and other traffickers of human information.

I am not ashamed of my life, and I am certainly not afraid of what these creepy vendors will find when they lurk through the pieces of my life. But I am outraged by the arrogance of people like Mark Zuckerberg (as well as our government) who think they are somehow entitled to do with my life in whatever manner they chooses...regardless of my privacy rights.

I have deleted Facebook applications from my phone, but this is far from the last of my efforts to protect my rights. I suppose if the rest of the world wants to relinquish them, then that is their choice to do so....but it will no longer be mine.

Once relinquished, it is no easy thing to get our personal rights and civil liberties back.

I am an idealistic person, so priciples and symbols of our nation's idealism are important to me. I don't have a good answer yet for this problem...but I am searching for one...so, I will find one....I will absolutely find one.

Reilly

My cousin and his wife have two dogs, and one of them is named "Reilly." He's a spirited little scrapper, but he doesn't "warm up" quickly with new people, and he gets skittish when an unfamiliar person tries to touch his head or neck.

Reilly is who he is, and he had started to accept my presence when I was here last month. But when I returned to my dad's a few days ago, I was amazed by how excited he was to see me...no barking at all, tail wagging, and even jumping up at my leg to encourage AND let me pet his head...I was shocked!

But not all change is meant to last.

Now that I've been here for a few days, his old skittish behavior has kicked back in, and he won't let me go near his head! It's just fascinating to me how a little bit of excitement seemed to help him to momentarily "forget" that he's supposed to be skittish when I tried to pet his head!

What was it about Reilly's excitement to see me that opened up a new set of behaviors for him?

This also makes me wonder about human anxiety. Does a jolt of excitement help the neurotic humans get past whatever fears or anxieties that we have, too?

I am intrigued now...Reilly's behavior has captured my curiosity and attention.

But, don't worry, Reilly...I won't be ringing bells, sticking you with electrodes, or making you cling to wire monkey moms to get your food...lol...but I will be watching you! 

I'll also be watching my own behavior, of course...because I am absolutely fascinated by how a little bit of excitement seemed to apparently change his entire brain chemistry.

Perhaps our behaviors are not as "hard wired" as we thought!

Of Tides and Seasons

When you are a goal-oriented person (as I clearly am...lol), there is a tendency to feel like no progress is being made during "slower" periods of progress. For me, this tendency may be stronger than most, so I am still processing the disappointment I am experiencing to be "here," when the goal was for me to already be "there."

My time management system probably is the most quintessential "me" of anything that I do. I don't just have a goal (and the requisite "To do" list that manages that goal attainment). When something is added to my calendar, it is preceded by this: (-). And when I have completed that task, the vertical line signifying completion ends up looking like this: (+).

Yes, every task that I complete, symbolically turns a "negative" into a "positive."

And, I absolutely love to look back through the previous weeks and months to see all of those little "positives" applauding my effort and motivating me to turn even just one more "negative" into a "positive."

I never said my system was a "healthy" system...lol...but, it's my system, and it works really well for me...up until the point that I can't convert the "negatives" fast enough. And that's when my system breaks down...and all of that negativity begins to build pressure...and the more pressure there is, the more stressed out I feel...but, also the more disappointed I feel, as well.

Yup, every system has its breaking point...lol.

Shakespeare in Love is one of my all-time favorite movies. And, there is this one scene when Collin Ferth's character is trying to get his newly wed wife on to the ship to the Americas (and away from William Shakespeare)...so, he makes this grand statement about how "the tide waits for no man!" (As Viola is making her fast exit out the other side of the carriage and into the theater...lol). Collin Ferth is great...lol.

But, if it is true that the tide waits for no man (which, of course, it is...because Collin Ferth said so...lol), then it is just as true that the summer season in Nova Scotia waits for no woman, her bagpipes, and her crazy traveling cat...lol.

As I sit here at my dad's home staring at a calendar filled will all of these unconverted "negatives" (feeling like I have somehow reneged on the promise I made to my mom to pipe for her on her birthday this year), the only thing that matters is a daughter's deep disappointment...and the uncomforting knowlwdge that even if I made quick repairs and a beeline to Nova Scotia, the summer season would already be nearly over...and the winter storms would be quickly on my heels for the whole trip back to Arizona.

There is not a lot of comfort for me on this day of seasonal truth combined with a broken down time management system filled with unmerciful negatives awaiting their conversion...lol.

Well, it's just a delay...a delay that my mom would absolutely want me to take...a delay that gives me the gift of time with Denny, and a whole new calendar of delicious negatives to turn into positives...lol.

But, I think I need to come up with a better system...one that doesn't leave me feeling so utterly drained and disappointed...or symbolically creating so much "negativity" when they don't get converted fast enough. But, that's what this new open-ended life is all about...creating a new life management system.

As for now, I will trudge on over to the trailer place for some facts and information, because that is one negative that I can turn into enough positive energy to lighten the load of a daughter's disappointment...and, because I know that my mom knows just how much my heart and spirit are working to get up to Nova Scotia to pipe for her.

I'm sorry, Mom...I've done my best to get there. But, I promise that I WILL pipe for you on your birthday. It may be from here in the American Southwest, but the piping will be from my soul, not my geography, so you will hear me even if I am here, and not (yet) there.

Mission Control

I've been thinking about how I make decisions in my life (particularly when there are significant safety issues at stake), and I think the perfect metaphor is NASA's Mission Control.

Mission Control isn't a single person, it's actuallyy an entire community of experts that focus on only one part of the mission. And when everything is coming down to the final decision of "Go" or "No Go," every single expert has to give a "Go," in order for the mission to move forward. Or, another way of saying this is that it only takes ONE "No Go" to cancel the entire mission.

This has really helped me to quell the internal pressure to push on toward my easterly destination...because I have some quite valid reasons for why I have delayed the Nova Scotia mission. But, I am still very aware of the pressure to continue on, regardless of the risks involved.

I wonder if the person who gives a "No Go" for a Shuttle mission feels pressured to give a "Go," simply because everyone has worked so hard to get the mission to that point. Does the person to the left or right shove an elbow in their side (or kick them under the control desk) with an abruptly murmered, "Just give the "Go" already!"

It takes a great deal of personal fortitude to be the person who makes the judgment call to cancel a Shuttle mission. But I also think it takes just as much personal fortitude to cancel a personal mission, as well. Cancel the immediate plan, not scrap the whole mission...delay to make necessary adjustments and repairs.

But this is precisely what I'm doing. The part of me that's "in charge" of safety concerns has delayed the mission, and the part thatvs in charge of financing the mission concurs...lol. Not a permanent kibosh, but I definitely will need some time to get everything researched so that decisions can be made...and then it will take time to implement those decisions once they've been made.

So Mission Control has cooled the jets, and I am relieved that this decision has removed the pressure to trudge on through the concerns, even if my concerns are based in personal anxieties stemming from inexperience and incomplete confidence.

I can make the right judgment call...even when that decision disappoints other parts of me. Disappointment is part of the risk that we take (when such a large mission is at stake).

So, I'm collecting information...and that is still working toward the goal, so I am perfectly content to step back and let this part of me take over for a while, because part of the pool of information to process involves the real-life experience learned since I've been out on the road on what I will call the "shake down" phase.

Mission Control is still in charge...lol...and I have an appointment tomorrow to meet with the trailer people for more information about the brakes, so it's all in motion...including the consequnces of each and every choice made along the way.

I am looking forward to the "Go," but I'm not going to force it...lol

The Plan

Preparing for this journey, the "worst case scenario" plan has been to take it one day at a time...one mile at a time...enjoy the journey along the way...and if the car crapped out, then I would simply settle in to wherever I was, find work, save up for the car repairs, then trudge on once I was prepared to do so.

The plan is still the plan in motion...I just wasn't expecting to be stopped in my tracks so quickly.

I'm very glad that I have taken my time during this first part of the journey...to work out the bugs...and also to let the aging car settle in to a new normal towing two thousand extra pounds, because I am close enough to all of the support resources that I both need and trust (while I get the car repairs and trailer upgrade completed).

It's all good...I'm safe...Sarra's safe...the car & trailer are in good hands...and we're living the dream already.

Am I disappointed that I need to take this extra time so soon along the journey? Absolutely...but living the open-ended life is all about responding to what's immediately in front of me, and letting go of the self-imposed arbitrary deadlines, so that's precisely what I'm doing...slowly...grieving a bit along the way...and embracing the joy that I am already living each day.

This trip to Nova Scotia isn't just about Nova Scotia...it's all about the journey of discovery along the way. And I don't want to circumvent that by simply cutting a beeline path to the Atlantic Northeast. So, I just need to continue to follow the plan, because it's a good plan....and it's the plan that will eventually GET me to Nova Scotia...lol.

What's immediately in front of me is a large financial output that's necessary for the journey to continue...then save up again for the gas money east. I'm not deterred from the vision, I'm just temporarily detoured, which is not the same thing at all.

Life is unpredictable, and so is the journey along the way. I am looking for the unexpected gifts that await discovery along this detour, because I am certain they will present themselves once the disappointment has worked itself through its own timing and process.

Expectation shapes reality.

So, the most immediate gift is to be able to spend more time with Denny...and, even if that is the only gift that emerges, then it is worth whatever time I will need to take care of business and prepare for the next season of change.

Of course, I am quite anxious to explore everything that Nova Scotia has to offer, but I am not in a hurry to get there. It's just like "having the sex" and "playing the tunes" lol...I really do want to enjoy all of the visits with friends and family along the way.

So, I guess I have another opportunity to once again let go of my expectations, and simply let the joy unfold before me...

Expectations

I had an interesting experience tonight while I was piping. I stopped trying to play a tune, and just started to play the notes...not scales, but just playing whatever notes I felt like playing...and it was lovely, absolutely lovely.

I am still learning how to let go of my self-imposed expectations.

Learning to play the bagpipes feels a lot like dating...lol. In the dating world, the focus (for many people) is all about the sex. Everyone wants to have the sex...lol...so they meet, compare chemistry & compatibility, then quickly end up having the sex.And, with the bagpipes, the focus is on the tunes....everyone wants to play the tunes...lol...so the first thing we do (when we pick up our set of bagpipes) is try to play the tunes.

I've been all about the tunes...lol.

Having the sex...or playing the tunes...it's all the same process. It's all about getting to where you want to get as quickly as possible.

Tonight I was able to let go of the expectation that the goal of playing the bagpipes was all about the sex...uh, I mean the playing of the tunes...lol. (That's one mixed metaphor that I want to keep separate...lol). And, all joking aside, it felt amazing...because I started to develop a real relationship with the bagpipes. So, once we are both ready to start playing the tunes, we will understand each other in a way that will make the playing so much richer and meaningful....just the like having of the sex in dating...lol.

Who knew that dating and bagpipes had so much in common? lol...

But, in all seriousnessn I have a lot to learn about letting go of the expectations I place upon myself...which is why I have created this open-ended life...but, change does not happen immediately, even when it is actively sought.

In the mean time, I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow night's playing of the notes...and, I guess the only question that remains unanswered is whether I should bring a bottle of wine and shave my legs...lol.

3000 Feet

My recent drive along the rim of the Grand Canyon has made two things clear: (1) I need to prepare for the unexpected downgrades on the road by installing brakes to my trailer; and, (2) I am not ever going to be prepared for every curve along the roads I travel.

Life is unpredictable.

I am driving both car and trailer well within all parameters of safety that would be good enough for all of the ten million miles I might drive upon. But none of that matters when I come upon an unexpected 3000 feet downgrade that exceeds (even briefly) the safety parameters in dynamic motion between gravity and everything I'm driving.

In this recent scenario, I made it safely down the unexpected downgrade, but not without a hard lesson learned. I will be installing brakes onto the trailer...not because I need them for 99.99% of the driving I will do...not because I will use them every time I drive (because I won't...and may never even use them again)...but, rather, for the peace of mind that their installation will bring for the "just in case" I stumble upon another dangerous curve at the bottom of an unexpected sharp downgrade that just may save a life. But even that isn't going to eliminate the risk that I take every time I drive with this trailer...

There's only so much I can do to prepare for the unexpected...and, the rest is all about managing the risk.

I have a cousin who is off traveling the world, and her dad is urging her to come home becauae he is worried about her safety in a country experiencing political unrest. The truth is that she is probably at no more risk from harm there than anywhere else, but when local circumstances bring the risk to the surface, it gives the illision of more danger.

I think we need a healthy layer of denial in order to get up out of bed and face the invisible danger that lurks around every corner of this "civilized" urban jungle. Because the truth is that we live in a dangerous world no matter what geography we call home.

But, some risk can be mitigated, so that's what I'm going to do...which is what the hard lessons in life are all about. What we survive makes us stronger ONLY if we learn from what we've survived and apply it to our life...like a perpetual Ground Hog's Day...lol.

Living life is a risk I am willing to take, because living the illision of safety & security is (for me) a risk far more dangerous than anything I will do while I'm out traveling the world..

40 mph Brain

As I was driving along the backroads of Route 66, I ended up behind a car sightseeing at a 40 mph pace (through a 65 mph zone), and something wondetful happened. The cars & trucks that wanted to drive fast simply passed around us, and I was able to relax and begin to enjoy the drive. And feeling the stark difference helped me to draw an important parallel between driving while towing the trailer and "driving" my brain.

My brain is a 40 mph brain living in a 75 mph world.

The world around me moves too fast and furious for my brain to process, so it gets overwhelmed. That's why I work so hard to control my environment. And if I could simply travel through life at a pace that my brain can process as I go, then I think I could manage that pretty well.

So I am excited about using the parallel process between driving while towing and my brain to help strengthen my self-confidence around living life at my own pace, especially when the people around me don't understand...and "expect" me to be driving at warp speed when it's just not possible for me to do so!

I really want to enjoy life...to enjoy MY life...because all I get is one shot to get this right. So I can no longer afford spending my life energy trying to force my brain to keep up with the world around me.

This insight is very helpful to understand how to best support my brain, but it does make me wonder if it means that I am destined to be "flying solo" for the rest of my life...or are there people whose pace is able to more closely align with my own? I don't know, of course, but my curiosity is piqued.

For today, I am catching my breath and feeling content to slow down to a life pace where I can process...and it feels pretty darned good.

Predictions

I have a lot on my mind tonight, but mostly it's about all of the unknowns associated with my trip. I have planned and prepared for months, but now it's down to last minute details...details and probabilities for success.

There are many things I've done to help prepare me for this, but I have never actually done this before, so everything is going to be a learning curve. Well, not everything...and as I think about it, there really is very little about this trip that I haven't already done...it's just about putting it all together in a unique way that makes this feel like I am out of my element.

Yes, there will be parts of this journey that will overwhelm me, but that is no different than anything else that I do on any given day. My brain is easily overwhelmed...that's one of the PTSD symptoms that makes my daily life such a challenge...but this fact isn't going to stop me from taking this journey (or cause me to turn back once I begin).

If I allowed feeling overwhelmed to make my decisions for me, I would generally never get out of bed...lol.

What I am learning is that my brain gets overwhelmed by too much external stimulus...so I will simply make my way at a pace that minimizes the overwhelmed feelings. If this trip takes 3 months to get to Nova Scotia and I have only a few weeks there, then so be it.

I am trying to learn how to live in today, without the pressures of intangible futures...which isn't an easy thing to do...but I am learning....even if it's a slow process.

Predictions are something that I am paring out of my life, because what positive purpose can they possibly serve? Positive or negative, they still deal with intangible future outcomes. Living in the now, there is simply nothing for me to be gained by trying to prove or predict one future or another...and living an open-ended life by its very definition means that my journey can change at any point that I decide for it to change.

I'll never get anywhere if I don't have goals, right?

An open-ended life is a goal directed life...it's just that the goals are present-moment based (rather than future potentials & possibilities)...which changes everything, of course.

So will I make it to Nova Scotia? I have no idea...lol...but even more important than this is whether I can let go of Nova Scotia as a bucket list goal to be achieved so that I will be able to enjoy the journey along the way.

Unbelonging

I've been listening to The Chronicles of Narnia books on CD as I've been driving back and forth between Prescott, and the story I listened to yesterday was A Horse and His Boy. What I was attending to most was the theme of "unbelonging" that wove itself throughout the different character plots, relating to the feeling, but also searching for some insight into my own journey.

How does a person resolve an experience of unbelonging?

I've been thinking a lot about this feeling, but mostly because I'm sorting through what this "belonging" thing means in its most basic form. I guess what I'm looking for is a way to determine when I actually DO belong.

How does a person know they belong? Is there a different set of feelings or defining criteria if it's a person versus a place? Or is there a similar process involved?

I don't have answers...just questions and curiosities...and absolute certainties that I am going to learn all about belonging as I make my way to the land of my roots.

Belonging

As I drove back from Prescott today (after clearing out my storage unit) I realized that I no longer "belong" any where. I no longer have a land-based home. I no longer have a storage unit (or even the need for one). And while I do understand that Tumbleweed IS my new home, I no longer belong anywhere.

I am a person without a place.

Belonging is a core issue for me...or, more accurately, feeling like I don't belong. It took me a very long time to figure that out...and even longer to understand why...so now it's all about finding a way to resolve this issue one way or another. But I'm not going to figure it out by thinking about it...or even talking about it. So I'm about to dive right into the middle of the cold, dark truth...then swim like hell to find the edge of night.

Yes, indeed...I am about to swim as hard as I can, and hope that I don't drown.

This is my way. When I want to really understand something, I dive into the middle of it so that I can make sense of what is real. In grad school, when I wanted to explore how my hair affected my power as a woman, I shaved my head. When I wanted to understand the meaning of the stuff I owned, I intentionally lived in a house full of unpacked boxes for nearly a year and a half. And now...to understand this issue collectively called "belonging," I have created an existence where I belong nowhere...

And now I am very curious to see where I end up.

It's not easy to be a person without a place, but I am also a person without a person. My sense of belonging died when my mom died, and I haven't found my bearings, yet. I thought my husband would be a place where I belonged, but that was not to be. I've tried to create belonging with the places where I've lived...with the organizations where I've worked or volunteered...with the social organizations I have joined...and with the visions I have worked to create myself, yet here I am...a person without a place or a person.

Where DO I belong?

I intuitively know where I belong...but, the problem is that I don't feel it. Instead, I feel tiny and afraid of the dark. So, onward I go, one step at a time...still searching for the person, place, or thing where I belong...

Big Enough

Last night a new layer to this journey made itself known...because I am nearly completed with the preparation phase. And as I was lying in bed thinking about what I am doing with my life, I started to feel very tiny and very scared, like a baby minnow looking upon the ocean for the first time and  feeling overehelmed by how big this new world is.

There is so much about this change that scares me cold to my core. And as I think about driving off from my dad's in a few days, I am so poignantly aware of how vulnerable I will be. And more than this, what if I grow quickly bored with the lifestyle? What if I can't manage the panic attacks on the road? What if...what if...what if...?

I don't HAVE to do this...I could make a different choice at any moment. I won't, of course....because this is just about the fear of everything that's unknown....but the fear is making me to feel very tiny and very, very vulnerable.

One of my friends posted this meme to my Facebook page this morning...perfect timing...and validation that my dream is big enough, indeed...

Carrot Cake

I've been thinking all weekend about the chasing of carrots and the  overcoming of obstacles as the central themes of my life story, and wanting them to stop. But one of my friend's comments opened up a different perspective from what I've been feeling.

Perhaps the carrots and the obstacles aren't the problem.

Yes, I have always set high ecpectations for myself...and that does make for a more challenging life journey. I make choices that go against the well trod paths, I choose majors based on desire (rather than marketability), I choose classes with the most difficult instructors (rather than avoid them like the masses), and I create a lifestyle that crosses paradigms (which is the most difficult task of all).

This is simply who I am...always has been...always will be.

There is a difference between chasing carrots (that can never be caught) and setting high expectations that will naturally take more time, more effort, and more psychological energy...that is the inherent nature of high expectations...as are the inherent obstacles that make the iourney to achieve these high expectations much more difficult.

I'm a visionary...I envision possibility where others see only dead-ends, always-been-this-ways, and can't-happens.

Yes, I am a visionary, but I am also human, so I absolutely need my visionary friends to remind me from time to time that while I may be exhausted by the carrot du jour with which I am currently engaged in chase, my hands are also full of the impossible carrots that I've already caught...and that needs to be celebrated and honored.

So, today I think I'm ready for some long overdue carrot cake...lol...and I'm off to overcome whatever obstacle my carrot chasing journey delivers today.

The Carrot

There is something fundamentally simple that I am missing...some basic truth about the universe (or possibly myself) that I either didn't learn (or my brain has misplaced), because all I have done is started to chase a different carrot. I have spent my entire life chasing carrots..and I don't want to do it anymore.

Carrots and obstacles to overcome...this has become my life story.

On one level it seems like I am making progress, but my life is still in hold. Only now the obstacle that needs to be mastered (before I can finally start living my life) is this never-ending sorting and the purging project. So I've begun to seriously question why it is that no matter WHAT I'm doing, there is ALWAYS be a "when...then" statement that stands between me and the life I want to be living...and why it is that I so consistently don't want the life that I am actually living.

Here's the bitter pill of my life: the when rarely happens...so, the then never really has a chance to exist.

Sitting here in this moment, I am both at peace and feeling completely overwhelmed at the same time, so I can't help but wonder about the relationship between chaos and calm in my world. Do I need chaos in order to create the "calm" that I have been mistakenly been calling peace?

There is a wall that stands between me and the traveling dream life I crave, and it appears to be this pile of crap that I need to downsize before I can leave...but I am honestly beginning to think that this feeling isn't about the pile of crap, at all. Because I can see very clearly that even when I clear away this obstacle, there will just be another one to replace it...because my process appears to require some kind of insurmountable obstacle to conquer....and (always) as expeditiously as possible.

When did I start creating so many unrealistic expectations for myself?

This truth hurts to look at, because on the flip side of the unrealistic expectation coin is the exhaustion that "forces" the just as expeditious exit...the "I'm outta here!" when my stress level has reached its limit that eventually brings about the messy end to some part of my life (something that I overcame a great many obstacles to achieve, I might add).

And, I'm doing it again...I've already set a target date for departure that is driving the self-inflicted whip to get this phase completed "on time." And I've also just partnered up with the highest grade pipe band in Arizona to "motivate" me to piping greatness...yet, will take me years before I could even begin to make any piping contribution.

Yes, absolutely, I am doing it again...but how do I make it stop?

Catching My Breath

I can't believe how exhausted I feel...

Sitting here with the leaves rustling after another long day's work, I can just relax into the moment. I'm so glad I didn't "camp local" in Prescott...this is so much better for my spirit...to be in a place where I feel safe and suppprted for however long this final preparation takes me.

I have nothing to push me up against arbitrary deadlines, and it feels wonderful. Yes, I still have to empty out the storage unit, but it's all in motion, and will easily get done. The trailer's already here with me, and I am sorting and paring as quickly as I reasonably can.

I knew I've been overstressed, but I had no idea just how stressed I was, until I let go of the burdensome pieces of my life. I literally feel like I can breathe again (for the first time in a very long time)...and I'm finally "allowed" to feel just how exhausted I truly am.

My life is here...my life is now...and I'm quite busy enough just catchimg my breath...

Regrouping

So, today has been an interesting day...

High noon appointment to turn over the apartment...security deposit check is already in the bank...Sarra and I are safe here at my dad's while regroup and get my bearings...and, I still have all of that crap in storage that I need to take care of by the end of the month...

...feeling completely overwhelmed.

I've been pushing so hard to get the trailer done...to get the apartment cleared out...to get the storage cleared out (which still needs to be done). So I just need to catch up with where I am...regroup and get my bearings.

As for tonight, Sarra and I are safe...and the rest will work itself out...

Optimism

Positive Psychology is the outgrowth of Martin Selgiman's theory of Learned Optimism, which is the outgrowth of his Learned Helplessness theory, so I've been reading his book about this learned optimism...it's absolutely fascinating! AND, the #1 most fascinating "fact" about optimism is how an optimistic person (when bad things happen) will blame external factors (other people or circumstances) rather than place the "blame" internally.

Yes, that's right...optimists blame others when bad things happen...lol.

Not in a pathological way, of course. However...given all possible explanations for why an optimist didn't win the lottery, they tend to choose something about luck. However, the second most fascinating fact about optimism is that IF they happen to WIN the lottery, they will then tend to attribute it to something thet THEY have done...lol...such as choosing the right numbers...lol.

Absolutely fascinating!

But the discrimination is in the difference between the notion of "blame" versus "attribute." An optimist will "attribute" causative explanations for why something bad happened to external factors (e.g., "I didn't win the lottery because of bad luck."); but, they don't feel victimized by it, whereas the pessimist could explain the lottery loss In the exact same way, but they feel victimized by it.

Optimists attribute bad things to external causes, but they do not feel victimized by it!

I think the subtle difference is that the optimist accepts the fact that the lottery is a game of chance (i.e., luck), so they don't personalize the "bad luck." Whereas the pessimist personalizes the bad luck as belonging to them (i.e., I am un unlucky person.); hence, they tend to feel victimized by the not winning of the lottery!

This is just absolutely fascinating to me, and I will continue to study this learned optimism, because the key word is learned.

Optimism is learned...which also means that Pessimism is escapeable...lol.

The results of my Pessimost-vs-Optimist questionnaire ranks me as only mildly pessimistic, so it could be a whole lot worse...lol. But, since "authentic happiness" is associated with the optimistic side of life, I want to change the thinking that keeps taking me down Pessimism Lane...lol.

Every single thing that happens in life involves the event itself, and then how we choose to explain the event...which then opens up completely different cabinets of options from which we then choose to react and respond.

As for me, I want new options...but it's a lot of work to find out what's behind Door #3.

Happiness Blocks

I found a meme about Love during my routine Facebook perusal this morning, a wonderful Rumi quote. The quote is about not searching for Love, but rather, removing the obstacles that block and prevent Love. And it struck me how that same thought process absolutely applies to Happiness, as well.

Happiness, like Love, are emotions that are experienced spontaneously all on their own.

This way of thinking about Happiness opens up new windows of possibilities for my journey, but I don't really know what obstacles I have that block and prevent Happiness from bubbling up naturally, just as God intended. So, I will need to meditate on this further, and perhaps sit down and talk with God about how I can first identify (then remove) these obstacles to both Love and Happiness...

...and I'm not sure why, but even the mere thought of this conversation scares me to my core.

Aha! Perhaps I've just identified my first obstacle...lol.

Happy Face

I have been "forced" to deconstruct the construct of "Happiness" by the OT process of Positive Psychology, so I have been observing how happiness moves through my world. And it dawned on me this morning that perhaps I have been a bit deceived by happiness.

Happiness is one sly little devil.

My brain hurts all of the time, a physical pain that is sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how stressed I am by local environmental stressors...but my brain hurts, all of the time. I accept this reality, so my brain can hurt at the same time that I can feel at peace, grateful, and content...but I'm not happy.

I very, very rarely ever feel "happy."

But, this morning I was thinking about how I have been feeling as I create my trailer, how each time I find a creative solution I am filled with an abundance of joyful self-pride that feels really, really good. I feel good about myself because I greatly esteem my creativity strength, so I feel proud of myself, but I would have never called this feeling "happy."

What if I have been wrong about what happiness is supposed to look and feel like?

And that's when it dawned on me that perhaps "happy" isn't so much a distinct feeling in and of itself, but perhaps a collection of positive emotions that when we experience them, they are what make us feel happy. Perhaps there are many different faces of happy, rather than just one "happy face."

I love this way of thinking about happy, because if there are many different faces of happy, then I acually feel happy a lot more often than what I have been realizing, which makes me feel very, very happy, indeed!