My trauma counselor uses the term "middle of the road" a lot...reinforcing that finding the middle of the road is what keeps us from avoiding and isolating. OK, fine...but what the heck does that mean in tangible everyday terms?
I think I'm finally having a breakthrough on this issue, and I also think this it's really going to help to make a huge difference.
How do I know if/when I'm in the middle of the road?
As I'm driving through the terrain of MY life, the two sides of the road are essentially Anxiety on one side, with Depression on the other. But, I am starting to understand that what I call anxiety is really just a state of excited energy. Whereas, what I call depression is essentially an extremely low energy state...a state of psychological entropy if you will...like energy put into a cold box where everything slows to a non-functional pace. Which makes my middle of the road the living of each day between the high energy state, and the low energy state.
Still sounds abstract, but it's not!
If I am to live with PTSD, then I may not ever be able to change the fact that my brain reacts to anything new and different in such a way that I am constantly managing my anxiety levels so that I'm not having panic attacks. I can accept that...because it is what it is. And, the same is true of the depression, because that is the other side of the PTSD Highway...lol. It also is what it is.
But I recently started to feel the connection between my anxiety levels and my depression....the more anxious I feel, the more depression becomes like background radiation...but when the anxiety is decreased, the the depression is free to take over.
Finding the middle of the road means that I fill my day with things that will "excite" me enough to keep me in enough motion to keep the depression from overtaking my life. ...but not too much excitement to overwhelm me or trigger off panic attacks.
Well, duh!
Looking at what I've written seems so basic and simple, but there is a huge difference between abstract information and truth that is learned through our own experience. And, I finally feel like I have control of the reins of this emotional dichotomy...at least in this minute...lol.
You can't see it until you see it!
It's taken me a looong time to get here. Mostly because I had no idea what I was dealing with, so the emotional extremes were controlling me But, I have been methodically paring down my life this year to remove as much anxiety as possible...and this process has helped me to be able to feel the difference...like the fish that finally understands water when it leaps up from the river.
I think I'm going to finally learn how to start living in the middle of the road...the middle of MY road!
