There is a rock that sits along the shore of the lake where I frequently hike...a rock that calls to me in the wee dark hours of the night when sleep evades me. And when I feel the pull of this rock upon my spirit, I am standing tall and proud upon it, playing my bagpipes loud and strong across the misted lake for the silent forest embracing both lake and lone piper upon its shore.
As I wept my way around this lake yestarday afternoon, carrying the full weight of my frustration with how hard it is for me to play the bagpipes, feeling ready to give up and walk away, the rock called to me again, as a gentle reminder that my spirit is already standing upon the strength of its stone...so it's not really the bagpipes from which I am preparing to walk away.
Why am I so afraid to embrace the spirit that so powerfully calls to me?
To imagine myself playing my bagpipes upon this rock terrifies me to my core. And, if it were just the lake and its forest I would have no problem to stand tall and let my spirit play. But the perceived judgment of the people cayaking across the lake's surface and hiking through the trees, this perceived judgment is what stops me cold and silences my voice.
There is nothing gentle or delicate about the voice of the bagpipe.
I don't know when (or how) I became so afraid of how powerful my voice is, but I do know that it happened long before I ever picked up the pipes that are making clear just how afraid I am to be loud and strong when I play...to be bold and powerful when I speak.
I think this is why I am having such a hard time transitioning from the practice chanter to the pipes. It's not that I'm not strong enough to play them...it's because I am unconsciously holding back when I play...unconsciously trying to soften the sound and lessen the loudness. But there is no way to minimize the powerful voice that is so quintessentially bagpipe...and, so, I weep, instead.
No, there is nothing delicate about the voice of the bagpipe.
Why am I so afraid of my power? I stand back, and hesitate. I wait to be invited in, rather than ask for what I want. I sit on the sidelines of my life as a not-so-innocent bystander wondering why I feel so isolated and alone. And, I weep my way around the rock where my spirit stands tall and proud as it calls me to do nothing more than to step into my self.
I may have wept my way around the lake yesterday, but I absolutely heard the rock loud and clear.
And I may be terrified of how powerful my voice is, but I am no longer willing to let this fear come between me and my bagpipes. So, today I opened up the great big garage door as tall and wide as it could be, then squeezed as hard as my little arm possibly could as I played my heart out...even though I felt terribly vulnerable and self conscious of what all of the people who were in earshot were thinking...and, even though I could actually hear neighborhood dogs howling as I played...lol. Today I didn't let anything stop the voice of my bagpipes from speaking as loud and strong as my arm could possibly help them to do on this day.
" Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
Today,I am certain that I will one day be strong enough to step into my spirit that awaits my embrace from upon the rock that calls to me in the wee dark hours of the night when sleep evades me...and, when that day comes, my voice will play loud and strong...even with a forest full of critters howling as I play...lol.
